45

Dear Dazzy,

Tomorrow-Monday, the 28th of September-marks what would have been your 45th birthday.
It's the third time your birthday will pass with only those of us left behind to make the occassion; Andrew, me, the kids-all of your friends and family-we don't forget.

How could we?

How could we ever forget the man who loved us so, who worked so hard to make us smile, who insisted that life was mysetrious and wonderful and so worth living?

Tomorrow, I will take a moment, and say "Happy Birthday" to the man who made me believe in true love all those years ago. While life goes on, and everything moves forward-even me-you will never be forgotten, my love. Never.

Love you Dazzy. Always.
Kisses, Wifey

its been ages...

Dear Dazzy,

I still miss you so much I am truely surprised it hasn't killed me.

I have gone through the motions these past two years and three months and assorted days trying to have a life again. Most days now are fine-but some, ah, some sneak up like emotional ninjas just waiting to take me down, and when they do I feel like the universe is spinning the wrong way once again.

I shop and cook and read and can listen to music once again and I travel and laugh with the kids and our friends and I email/FB/etc others and on the surface it seems as if I am going in the direction of my dreams...but I cannot shake this awful, gut-wrenching, soul ripping sadness that makes me think I will be alone no matter who comes along-if anyone of substance ever does-because it will simply not be YOU, my sweets. It won't ever be you. Ever.

I am in a funk because the summer is coming to a close, school starts in two weeks, the kids are looking for jobs, and I feel like I am still just treading water insted of swimming along .

I know it won't last a long time. I know I will occupy my time with things and paperwork and writing but damn, Dazzy-I will never understand in a million years why you are not still here on earth with me, the kids, your friends and family-ugh.

I remember how excited I was to return to school back in 2001 b/c we had gotten engaged and were making plans for our 2002 wedding in Oz. What a happy summer; what a happy time...

This sucks. I have no family left anymore since my Dad has passed; my friends are wonderful but it's not the same as having that one special love by your side throughout your days, no matter how spectacular or mundane those days turn out to be.

I just miss you heaps right now, babe. Heaps. Here's to better days ASAP.

Love you, Dazzy.
Always.
Kisses, Wifey

a random saturday in july...

...and it's OK.
Have been reading and cleaning and went out with friends last night; today-at dinnertime-I am off to see the movie "Moon."

You would have loved it babe, and I know this would have been our "Saturday night date movie" this week, lol. While I have actually gone out with a few men these past two months, no one holds a candle to you , honey, and I bet it will be a very long time until I can find one who will.

If ever.

Dating is such a stupid activity anyway-sometimes I wish I had parents who would just arrange something for me, LOL. Mostly, I just wish you were still here. I guess that feeling is one that will never go away. I used to think that it would, with time....but now I really know.

It doesn't. I just chose to look at the circumstances differently, that's all.

Mike is out in Cali with Matt. Having a blast for sure. Ash is up in Denton, doing wedding shopping things with a friend of hers who is getting married next spring-Ash is a bridesmaid-and I have had a quiet house once again, the first time since May, :P

It's not awful. I can be in the quite and appreciate it, but I do a much better job of it when I have work all week and bootcamp for three or four days and etc.

I should be writing. I should be shopping. I have to go see my Dad later; after the movie will be good. He never wakes up much now, so I usually just comb his hair and talk to him aloud while I watch some drivel on TV and hope that he dies peacefully in his sleep in the not too distant future.

Jeeze.

I'd like to take the kids to NYC before school starts again por moi and after going to London I'd like to go EVERYWHERE, LOL.

I have this procatination and lethargic-ness that I haven't had before-it's not depression, but it is a settling of sorts in my soul-I think I am finally at the acceptance phase of my grief.

Wonder what's next? Hmmm....

I have dreamt of you so often lately I am surprised. I didn't/couldn't dream of you at all for so long that this is a bit weird. Not sure what you are trying to tell me, other than you will always be in my heart/mind when I make decisions as I navigate life without your physical presence.

So I am really missing you today, babe, as you can tell. Miss doing a house project with you, picking a movie, eating out, walking the dog, watching you shave, checking up on the Tigers, planning our next get-away...planning our life over Sunday morning I-HOP pancakes and coffee. Together.

I know, I know. I shouldn't dwell on what's not to be. I should concentrate on this moment, and how to live in it fully, and appreciate life for what it is, and not for what it isn't. But like the kid who gets a bit chubby before having a growth spurt, maybe my two steps back right now is getting me reading for the next phase of my life-another chapter of the book of my life without you as the protagonist, babe. :P

Here's to happiness and peace in all our souls.

Love you, Dazzy. Always.
Kisses, Wifey.

Seeing is Believing?

This morning, as I woke up, I rolled over to catch a glimpse of the real time on my cell phone-come-alarm clock, and I was startled to see a figure of a man in a dark suit, standing at the corner of the foot of the bed, as if he were watching me sleep-

It was certainly Daryl.

The just-so hair, the suit, the broad shoulders-all of it just a fleeting glimpse, but there is no doubt in my mind whom it was. Maybe it means my dad is closer to death than before; possibly it's for Ranger, out lil beagle mix, who at 16 is going to the vet for what will probabably be his last visit tomorrow @ 3 P.M.

I used to know how everything worked, lol, but now-all bets are off.

Daz would certainly be the one to come get our dog, if that's how things can work on the other side of the cement veil. I guess we'll see-

Love you, Dazzy. Always. Nice to see you today for a sec-
Kisses,
Wifey.

Happy Anniversary

Seven years ago today I married the planet's most wonderful man.

My grief has subsided and is definately more manageable most of the time, but today-ah, today-it's an endless sadness.

I feel like a crumpled leaf, fallen from the tree of love, decomposing on the floor of life.

Love you Dazzy. Always.
Kisses, Wifey.

UP!

Ok...so since this movie was coming out on my old-arse birthday, I figured it would be fun to see with a bunch of people.

Now I know Disney-they are , after all, the killers of Bambi's mama-and I know there will be some weird/dark stuff interspersed with all the laughs and etc.

Maybe I am overly sensitive. Maybe I have a heightened awareness of death and all that crap b/c of Dazzy...I am not sure if I am becoming Chicken Little( the sky is falling!)or a clearer voice of sanity and reason.


SPOILER ALERT: I am going to talk about plot.
If you haven't see this flick and you want to, stop reading here.

*****************************************************************

The movies centers on a widow. Fair enough.

They do the whole childhood meeting thing with him/future wife...they are crazy happy.

First make me cry moment is when they are fixing up a nursery...only to have a hospital scene with a DR. shaking his head, couple leaving WITHOUT a baby, she sitting in the yard with that look of despair that i know so well-this happened to me in 1984, with my late son, Derek.


OK so, it can't get much worse than that, right?

Oh no. We now move on to the wife dying scene.

Yeah.

That.

By now my kids are looking over at me to see if I am OK; I am not sobbing loudly, but certainly uncomfortable.

It's just an animated movie, but still-

The rest of it is weird.

The bad guy is really twisted, if your kids are younger they will definitely be afraid of dogs when they are done with this flick(!), and the ending is drawn out ( haha no pun intended but that did work, eh?) and a bit sad.

I guess I just thought it would be more funny then maudlin-and for people who live these situations in everyday life, well, there should be a disclaimer, lol

Lots of refrences to "Adventure" and whatnot interspersed in the film too.
Daz once called our love affair a "Grand Adventure," so that was sorta nice.

One page of the wife's explorer scrapbook, that he hubby is tearfully looking through near the end of the movie, has a platypus on it as the camera zooms in; after that he sees all the pix and things she has included that chronicle their lives together.

She obviously did it as something for him to find after she was gone( Think "P.S. I Love You") and when he gets to the last handwritten page it reads ( I am paraphrasing here b/c I read it through teary eyes):

Time for you to go have another adventure!


Jeeze. It could have been written to me directly from the Dazman himself. He would have LOVED the animation, loved the oops that I found-when the ballons are being shown in shadow, the silhouette is rightly grey, but the ballons are shown in color!

Not sure if they screwed up or they were going for a magical feeling....hard to decide.

Nah. I think it's a screw-up. :P

Somedays I'd like my memory to be that of mere mortals, LOL, so that I wouldn't so acutely remember...everything.

Birthday # 3 without Daz and I made it through.

Surely this will get easier/better/different someday?

Damn. Goddamn.

sjw













Thanks for listening. Rant over.

Graduation

Yes, this past weekend, the twins graduated-GRADUATED!

What a milestone-for all of us.

It was amazing to hear their names spoken aloud and watch them walk across the stage, immediately changing from student to adult pupae :)

I didn't cry like I thought I might; I was aware of Dazzy's absense, but friends texted me throughout the evening, making me smile. I got together with one someone dear to me after the fact; it made the day bearable in ways I couldn't begin to imagine just a few days earlier.

Graduation. For all of us in a way! Once the kids get jobs, I will be making many more changes in my life. When I explained that I didn't know what to do, where to go. etc, I had some good advice-do it all!

Just not all at once-and isn't that what I have told my kids all these years?
That they can indeed have anything, everything... just not all at once?

Wow.

My own words mirriored back to me came from someone whom I haven't seen in a very long time. Amazing. Totally amazing.

Daz didn't call it, "This amazing life," for nothing, eh?

Bring it on-sj

Two

Two years.
TWO!
YEARS!

Its the blink of an eye and the longest lifetime all at once.

I cannot write much more that I haven't already said these past two years-

I love you. I miss you. You will always have my heart...always.

Heres what Dean Koontz wrote about loss:\

“Loss is the hardest thing….But it’s also the teacher that’s the most difficult to ignore.

Grief can destroy you – or focus you.

You can decide a relationship was all for nothing if it had to end in death, and you alone.

Or you can realize that every moment of it had more meaning than you dared to recognize at the time, so much meaning it scared you, so you just lived, just took for granted the love and laughter of each day, and didn’t allow yourself to consider the sacredness if it.

But when it is over and you are alone, you begin to see it wasn’t just a movie and a dinner together, no just watching sunsets together, not just scrubbing a floor or washing dishes together or worrying over a high electric bill.

It was everything, it was the why of life, every event and precious moment of it.

The answer to the mystery of existence is the love you shared sometimes so imperfectly, and when the loss wakes you to the deeper beauty of it, to the sanctity of it, you can’t get off your knees for a long time, you’re driven to your knees not by the weight of the loss but by the gratitude of what preceded the loss.

And the ache is always there, but one day, not the emptiness, because to nurture the emptiness, to take solace in it, is to disrespect the gift of life.” -- Dean Koontz

I am not dwelling in maudlin sadness tonight; I am dwelling in possibilities and hopefulness and the realization that I can have something that resembles " This Amazing Life" once again.

Thanks again , honey-for you and your love. You rock!

Love You Dazzy.
Always!
Kisses, Wifey

beginnings and endings

Dear Dazzy,

Hi honey. As you know, I have been toying with the idea of your life story in book for for some time now. This summer may see me finish that task:)

With all that's going on with my dad, and my sister falling apart over it, and work and friends and the house and the dogs and -well, life-I think it is the right time to end my official letters to you, my words of love and longing and mourning.

That my life is full once again is no more amazing to anyone than me.
It has taken 1 year, 9 months, and 27 days for me to really truly believe that I am going to be OK. That life really can be what I want it to be again, and that living in the shadow of your death is no longer necessary.

Wow.

The kids are thriving, my dad has mere months before he gets to see you again, and work is good. My friends and I have a pretty good weekend thing going on, and I am open to all the possibilities the universe has for me-good ones ONLY, please!

No one-ever-will be you, or take your place, honey. I know that. But the thought of being alone for the rest of whatever days I have left on this earth is not a happy one either; so out I go into the world of possibilities-after May, when the kids graduate( I KNOW!) I can choose where to live, whom will I give my time to, where I will teach-and change is coming. I can feel it.

I am ready.

Because of you, Dazzy, I learned what it was to love someone unconditionally, wholly, without thought of mistrust or manipulation. You were my shining star of a husband, and I will be forever grateful that you came into my life-and even though it was not nearly the amount of time I thought we would have, I am still grateful for every fun-filled second that we did have.

You are a unique and beautiful soul, Dazzy. I know you hear me when I talk to you, and I know that I will see you again one day-I know that for sure.

I thought we would have forever, and in a way we still do-your love will be forever in my heart, your kindness etched into my soul, and your story always, always, always told by me.

I may pop in from time to time just to update you on things, babe, but for now-I am ending this so I can begin again. I know you understand what I mean.

Thank you, honey, for everything-everything.
Love you, Dazzy. Always.
Kisses, Wifey

OBAMA!

Dear Dazzy,

Wow-now it's official! Barack Obama is the 44th President of the good ole U.S.A.
I am thrilled that he won the election, happy that he will be the leader who will attempt to herd us out of the messes we are in right now-

Obama is, in Chinese Astrology, an Ox. Like the twins, and Kath :)

In western astology, he is a Leo.

I think he rocks any way you look at it-and I am happy happy happy to call myself an American once again.

Love you, Dazzy. Always.
Kisses, Wifey

Dear Dazzy,

Hi, honey. It's been quite the week as you may know.

Harley-only you called my Dad by his proper name; to everyone else he is Jack-is finally settled in at the nursing home. We have no idea when/how/if he will ever leave and come home.
Dr.'s estimate a 6 month-1 yr time frame for him; I would like to see him home for the most part until hospice is really, really, needed, but I am not hopeful.

It's difficult , but nothing like what we went through with my Mom nearly 11 years ago.
That nightmarish hell is something I do not want to revisit tonight.

11 years ago you an I hadn't met yet! This year will mark the ten year anniversary of our oh-so-fortunate late night( for me-mid day your time) "HI" and subsequent happily entwined lives.

You will forever be a part of me, of what I do, of how I look to the future-my soul mate artist, coloring every page of my life from the mundane to the frenetic, with brilliant hues and interesting detail.

With the long weekend, I have some down time to catch my breath after everything with my Dad ( and my ex FIL-funeral on Monday! ). I knew it would be a good day to go through my closet. I made a new CD from the kids' I-tunes list for motivation, LOL but as I began, I realized instantly why I have procrastinated over this chore for so long now.

Adornment is never anything except a reflection of the heart. ~Gabrielle "Coco" Chanel

Nearly everything that is hanging in my closet was bought :

By you,

(from all my lingerie to the black blouse and hot pink (!) heels I wore to your funeral service that you picked from a catalogue two weeks before your death, saying "these would suit" in your Aussie lingo that I achingly miss to this day)

With you, or

( my lippy-you would hold up the colors next to me and pronounce one "very noooooooooice;" runners/sneakers were always bought with you as well-no real reason, we just did, LOL)

For you

( my red leather coat for my first trip to the land "Down-Undah")

I didn't really think too much about the items in my closet on a conscious level before tonight.
I mean, really, who does?

Since I discovered Feng Shui many years ago, I don't hoard "stiff" of any kind, so it wasn't a disaster or anything like that to cull through my things.

But every time I held something up to pass judgement on it-should it stay or should it go-it forced memory to "seep through my veins" ( thank you, Sarah McLachlan).

Things like-

My pink halter and printed floral op-art skirt:

How can I ever wear this combination again without imagining the sunset as the gondolier paddled us around a faux canal here in TX on our second anniversary, us sipping champers and eating chocolates? We had a great Dallas weekend that year; you were new to the state and we had a blast at all the local joints. We went to the Movie Museum in Las Colinas, stayed at a swish hotel downtown, went on a Cowboy Stadium tour, and romantic dinners out capped off a wonderful three day celebration.

Further back in my cavern of adornments is a cream colored blazer/pants; sort of a suit.

I have not worn both together since 2003. I do wear the blazer occasionally , but the pants are a bit long in the tooth style wise now.

Doesn't matter.

What does matter is that I remember wearing that suit ( that you helped pick out) for our very first Valentine's Day as an official "Hubby and Wifey" couple.
We went to a swanky surf and turf place- didn't even LOOK at the prices-and we ate lobster washed down with bottle of champagne and chocolate truffles. ( hmmm there is a pattern here, eh babe? LOL) We ran into Chuck and his girl, (the guy that has been styling my hair for yonks) and even he made a comment about how happy we looked and how great my "suit" looked!

I felt like the chick in the old "Charley" perfume commercials!

Then there are a few OZ t-shirts that you brought over on your fist trip here; your Michael Salmon Tees with your characters on the front; and black shoes of all sorts of ridiculous heights that I haven't worn in just about two years time.

You loved to buy me dressy shoes; I wore a different pair every time we went out on the weekend. I am parting with them tonight, because I haven't been anywhere in nearly two years time or with anyone that would warrant me putting on those high heels, so it's time for them to go.

Of course, the grande dame of my closet is my wedding dress.

It's pale pink, strapless, a two piece number that has beautiful beading and a lace-up back.
It hangs in a garment bag, at the back of all my clothes. sort of a talisman for romance and love and wishes that really do come true.

I will never part with it, but I am moving it into your closet, babe.

I just can't look at that nondescript blue plastic garment protector (with the crocheted hanger that your Mum made) on a daily basis anymore, knowing full well what hangs inside of it.

Sorta like salt in a wound, ya know, honey?
Yeah. I knew you would understand.

It's quite the undertaking, this rearrangement of one's life during grief.

Even with all the hoopla surrounding my Dad this past week, I am still in a good place emotionally, which explains my ability to clean out my closet, rearrange my life just a bit more, and make room for what will come next- whatever that will be.

Life

Dear Dazzy,

I am tired. Too tired to write much-but

Poppie passed away today :((( he was 88
Twins have to come home and do the funeral procession blues

Dad is settled in the nursing home-knowing
The weather is cold once again, mirroring our hearts-

We are all longing for spring.

Love you Dazzy. Always.
Kisses, Wifey

Moonsong

Dear Dazzy,

I have thousands of things to say and every time I sit down at the computer, I hesitate to start., because I just know it will be the world's longest post...

My Dad is gravely ill.
It's the beginning of the end. Not pretty at all.

Kids are soon back to college-and once again I will be in a very, very quiet house.

I still need to loose twenty pounds. LOL

I find dimes when I need 'em, weird signs from you here and there, and I am 3 months away from two years-TWO YEARS-that count from the last day you took a breath as my amazing Daz.

I'd call it the January blues, but I am not in a funk at all-quite the opposite, really, for the most part-I am taking care of house stuff, car stuff, parent stuff, life stuff-with a minimum of fanfare.

Hmmm...but there IS the largest moon of the year tonight-and full moons are so beautiful...

"It will appear about 14 percent bigger in our sky and 30 percent brighter than some other
full moons during 2009, according to NASA."

So I am off to go look at the moon, like you and I did all those years ago on a night that also held a full moon-foolish romantics, LOL, both gazing at the only thing in the night sky that was a constant on our repective sides of the Earth. Space geeks at heart, you and I :)

Words don't usually fail to form in my brain, but tonight it's all about emotion, and the embrace of the full moon. Here's my new fave song by the Black Ghosts-appropriately called Full Moon.



The lyrics move me to tears, because they speak to my emotional state right now-


When the thorn bush turns white that's when I'll come home
I am going out to see what I can sow
And I don't know where I'll go
And I don't know what I'll see
But I'll try not to bring it back home with me

Like the morning sun your eyes will follow me
As you watch me wander, curse the powers that be
Cause all I want is here and now but its already been and gone
Our intentions always last that bit too long

Far far away, no voices sounding, no one around me and
you're still there
Far far away, no choices passing, no time confounds me
and you're still there

In the full moon's light I listen to the stream
And in between the silence hear you calling me
But I don't know where I am and I don't trust who I've been
And If I come home how will I ever leave ?

Love you Dazzy. Always.

Kisses, Wifey.

Make-Believe Reality

Dear Dazzy,

After a whole bunch of decent days-wherein I look forward to a future, albeit without you, last night was really awful. I havent cried that much in yonks!

I put a few more wedding pictures away yesterday, rearranged and container-stored more of your art work, cds, etc. I thought it was the "right time" to do so.

And it was; my problem comes from the opposite sides of the fence that my emotions and my intellect occupy.

They are very, very far apart most days, yesterday being no exception.

So I did what I had to do, then took Boomer for the longest walk he and I have ever been on, lol. I walked and talked to you and stopped at the park so I could have a good out-loud cry, sobbing while I sat on a swing in a park that you and I used to visit. It's our local park, the one we used to walk to every night after dinner back when we had our wonderful, comfy, suburban existence.

I was grateful for the amazingly warm night-it was still 72 degrees when Boomer and I took our stroll. The stars were ablaze in the night sky-no cloud cover, no obstructions, just the twinkling and reflection of those thousands of balls of gasses and life-containing molecules highlighted by the ebony blanket of space that covers us all.

Remember making tents out of a table and a blanket when we were kids, Dazzy?
Even though we grew up on opposite sides of the planet, we both did the same things, and I know that was one of them.

I sometimes think about the earth and the solar system and everything that we establish as "known" and I wonder if we are not just silly children, playing under that card table of life, with reality just a blanket toss away. We pretend, we giggle and have fun and never give a thought as to what the grown-ups or the powers that be are doing outside of our own little fantasy world.

Then someone snatches that blanket off the top of our make-believe house/rocket/batmobile and the harsh glare of the much-too-bright light floods our eyes enough to make us blink really hard as our playing is brought to a halt, and we scamper off to find something else to do.

I loved it when we lived under that blanket-covered table of ours, babe.
I really did. I know you did, too.

Now,however, it is time for more changes.
I hate them, but am relieved when I finally do them.

Like yesterday.

Tonight is my last night of winter vacation from school (barring the freezing rain that's coming our way!). I got quite a lot accomplished organizing wise these past two weeks. I still have heaps of photo stuff to categorize and whatnot, but that can wait until Spring Break.
No hurry, really, on that.

I also bought myself new shoes and a sweater; went to the movies and out to eat (both with and without kids) and even got a new plant for the lounge room. The weather was decent for the most part and I actually made it through Christmas and NYE and the twins B-days without throwing in the towel, which is saying a LOT.

I caved a bit last night, but it was because of the upheaval in my heart, not my house, and I know that. I am sure every time I take another step forward that it will feel that way-weird and new and shaky and scary and OK all at the same time.

I am excited to go back to work and dig into the methodology of teaching once again-but tonight I will dream of our simpler days, when you and I were together under that blanket-over-the-table house. I miss you, sweets. Heaps and heaps...

Love you, Dazzy. Always.
KIsses, Wifey.

2009 Has Arrived!

Dear Dazzy,

It's now 2009.

This year will mark ten years from the day we first met-and what would have been our seven year wedding anniversary.

It will see the twins graduation, and our lives moving in different directions.

It will be the Chinese year of the Ox( just like the twins).

It doesn't matter what the calendar says...we still miss you heaps.

Here's wishing for peace in our hearts and calmness in our souls-today and everyday in this hope-to-be wonderful new year.

Love you Dazzy. Always.
Kisses (and happy new year,babe-) Wifey.


Should old acquaintance be forgot,
and never brought to mind ?
Should old acquaintance be forgot,
and auld lang syne

CHORUS:
For auld lang syne, my dear,
for auld lang syne,
we'll take a cup of kindness yet,
for auld lang syne.

And surely you’ll buy your pint cup !
And surely I’ll buy mine !
And we'll take a cup o’ kindness yet,
for auld lang syne.

CHORUS

We two have run about the slopes,
and picked the daisies fine ;
But we’ve wandered many a weary foot,
since auld lang syne.

CHORUS
We two have paddled in the stream,
from morning sun till dine† ;
But seas between us broad have roared
since auld lang syne.

CHORUS
And there’s a hand my trusty friend !
And give us a hand o’ thine !
And we’ll take a right good-will draught,
for auld lang syne.

Treasure Boxes

Dear Dazzy,

Today I found a box of "stuff" in the garage-your stuff from the car place; all your "SOLD" files and cold call info and training manuals and whatnot.


It was a surprise find-I have always assumed it was Chrissie trinkets-and it made me smile that heartbroken smile to see your great photo-shopped postcards, read some notes written in your beautiful, artistic handwriting, and look through the scribbles on the backs of busio cards-all written in that shorthand that was so typically cryptic Daz!

I even found a cigar still in a wrapper; pens, paper-nothing spectacular, just everyday items last touched by you.

I recycled what I could, then sorted the office items into things I will use in my classroom and things that I will donate. I kept a few scribbled notes to go into the special box in your closet, but the amazing thing was that I didn't cry about any of it.



I mean, it's just stuff-even if it was yours, it's nothing that will make my life better for having found it.

Or maybe I'm wrong?

Finding things like this box of ordinary life remnants reminds me how full-on you were in your career, always striving to be the best/do the best for your clients, and in turn, for us.

You never did anything halfway, LOL, and I grew to love you for that after a short while.

Your drive and determination were second to none, my sweet Aussie roo-boy. I've got proof!

The contents of the box may not be special to anyone else, but the handwriting, the trinkets, the collection of pens and paper-your friends and colleagues are laughing right about now, knowing how you "collected" pens from everywhere you went (very unintentionally I might add)...all of the seeming useless things that I had to sort through today are like another little "hi" from you, a reminder that you are still a part of this family-so much so that your junk is still cluttering up the garage of the ole MelYork. :P



Love you Dazzy. Always.

Kisses, Wifey.

Happy Twin Day :)

Dear Dazzy,
23! Wow! Hard to believe that our munchkins are 23 today!

I know you are/would be as proud of them as I am , honey. Graduating in May!
Making a life for themselves that includes friends and family, generosity and courage; using all the life-tools that we gave to them as parents, they embrace change wholeheartedly day after day. In your words-they ROCK! :P

Tonight they are out with friends, back home later to have cake and champers.
Yes, I made their cakes, like always-M has strawberry with a Yankees logo and A has vanilla/confetti with a Twilight theme-way too cool! Pix to follow...

So, the kid's b-day was easier this year than last; X-mas sucked the life out of me again ( and probably always will) and I am sure NYE will fare about the same.
I have heaps of decisions to make in 2009 regarding my Masters degree, where we all want to live after the twins graduate ( Wait-do I hear Oz calling? hmmmm) and what kind of care my Dad should be getting. Sister and I argue over that one all the time; that's an ongoing thing that eventually will iron itself out.

Eventually.

Dad is ill with various maladies-took him to urgent care place today, wasn't too bad of a wait, he's got some new meds, so we'll see what's what in a few days.
Mr P. is not doing well either, and the year 2009 looms with the "...waiting for the other shoe to drop..." promise that I would love to ignore.

Sadly, none of us ever get to do that.

I heard Savage Garden today while waiting at the CVS, getting my dad's scripts-it amazes me how our brains are so wired to connect music or smells with feelings;
I was instantaneously transported to years ago summertime, walking around the neighborhood at a good clip, for exercise, with my walkman on (LOL no mp3's back then yet!) and the sweat dripping while I anticipated getting on the cpu to "talk" with you @ 9pm MY time, 2 pm ( next day)YOURS. That was our permanent time setting for quite a while, and it brought a good deal of structure to our long-distance relationship.

You once asked me what motivated me to go and exercise like that every night at
7pm and I said something flip like, "I like to stay in shape..."
Since your death, I have not worried about being in any kind of shape, sorry to say.

Maybe I'll find some motivation again-surely it's buried underneath my Australia sized grief, eh babe? I'll just need to look harder. I know it's there somewhere.

Meanwhile, I am grateful for the 75 F degree day on the anniversary of the twins arrival into human form. I am so glad they got to have you as their Dad for so many years-they know how much you cared about their every decision, and they loved you for it. You know that.

I don't have to restate it, really, but it feels good to see it in print.

So we made it through another round of Diamond commercials, hokey holiday movies, pressie buying, card store perusing and eating too much holiday food. I decorated the house but skipped the tree; lights were strung but not enough so you could see it from outer space, and I made spritz cookies more than once.

I have found dimes twice when I really needed some solace from your arms, and that "D" in our holiday piccie cracks me up. Music and the radio coming on all by itself and etc all keep me wondering about where you are , what you are up to, if you really can watch over us at all.

Sigh. Now I know why I loved Spock all those years ago-these frigging emotions are so pesky to deal with all the time!

Next year, forget X-mas. I am taking a cruise. :P

Christmas Wishes..brought to you by the letter D!

Dear Dazzy,

It's Christmas in Australia already, and Chrissie Eve here in TX-so here is this year's offical Christmas Greeting from the W family...

Ok, look to the left of the tree-right above Mike's head-see that letter?

It's about ten feet high up close...Yes, honey, it's a "D"-for "Daryl," no doubt!

We all know it's the first letter in the name of the store on the second level in the mall -Dillards-but I couldn't help but smile when I saw how this pix came out.

You were the family photog, Dazzy; always had your camera in hand, even when some of us bitched about photos taken too early or too late or without make-up. Now, I try and remember to take that random odd photo that will make us smile in years to come.

Like this one... :)

We were at the local mall the other day, kids shopping, me wandering around with them, LOL, just to get out of the house because it was so cold-freezing temps in TX the week of Chrissie are not usual-and I stopped us all by the Santa display( he is on the other side of the tree), handed a random teen Mike's camera and then we all smiled as we said, "Happy Christmas!"

When I looked at the pix on the computer, that "D" jumped out at me like Rudolph's nose in the middle of a blizzard. What are the odds that the kid taking the pix would be at just the exact angle needed to capture ONLY the letter "D" in this shot?

Or that the three people who miss you so dearly would be standing just so in front of that decorated tree so only that letter would show up? Hmmm...

In Shakespeare's Hamlet, the following lines are said to Horatio, who doesn't fully believe that Hamlet has indeed seen/talked with his father's ghost-

"There are more things in heaven and earth, Horatio, than are dreamt of in your philosophy."

I like to invoke this quote when I sense that people are thinking "Um, yeah...riiiiiiight" when I point out something weird like how I find dimes all the time when I am especially saddened by my acute loss, or when the radios/TVs/phones come on out of nowhere, or when a song comes on the radio as I try and drive through a waterfall of tears-like the other day, driving home after classes were done for the break when reality kicks in; c'mon, how many times do stations play bloody "Funkytown" in their December rotation?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CUm6TCbEK0g

And yet that was the song that came on last Friday while I began to fall apart; immediately I started to laugh-through a runny nose and crying eyes, babe, that is no mean feat!

You named "Funkytown" as a fave in some online survey thingy you sent to me way back in the day( circa very early 2000). You said you liked it b/c you "loved a good beat..." I thought it was way too Disco for me, but I liked the whole, "gotta move on" lyric.

Applies to us still, doesn't it honey?

So when I see things like the big letter "D" next to our Team Daz family in a picture that so obviously is missing their captain, babe, I just smile and think if anyone could pull this stuff off, lol, it would be definitely be you.

Happy Christmas? I don't know about that one...but while it is Chrissie, we'll remember the man who delighted in playing Santa every day...our "Big D!"

Pssst-our secret Santa covert operation was a total success-Mike and Dave delivered it, Ash helped organize, and I wrapped-it really made me feel like Christmas a bit. As always, the anticipation is always worse than the actual day!

Tonight I am off to MaryLou's for her annual open house. Yeah, I should be getting all spiffy to go out with YOU, I know, I know...and that really does sadden my heart.

All those good times we had-it's a wistful nod to the past that we shared as I get ready to go out tonight-alone.

I will be fine, though, because let's face it, it's a choice of fine or a finale- and that's not going to help anyone. I am strong enough to do this alone because you loved me so.

I know my worth because of you, sweets, and that's the one present that is truly priceless.

TA, Dazzles! Here's to Christmas wishes of love in our hearts and peace in our souls.

Love you, Dazzy. Always.

Kisses, Wifey.

20 months

Dear Dazzy,

TWENTY! I didn't realize it straight away, but became aware of the date when I had to write something else on the calendar in the kitchen. TWENTY! It's all starting to take on the speed of a runaway fun house train. Widowland! Not for the feint of heart or the puny in spirit...

What I did get to do today, however, was play Santa :) and shop with Mikestar.
We got a few pressies, shopped for food, ran errands and out and about chores-all before the big chill comes back tonight; brrrr. It's been nice for a few days, and will be again after the next two; cookie baking is on the agenda for tomorrow and so is a sorting of all this Christmas Tree related.

I have decor in the dining room and on the mantle and in the kitchen and out front, but I just cannot bring myself to put up the tree. I think it's time to sort all the zillions of ornaments we have and start boxes for both kids.

The ornaments you and I collected-from where ever we traveled-might get put up next year. Maybe . That's a long time away, so I don't have to decide right now.
I have no way of knowing, at this point, if they will bring a smile or a tear, so we'll just let that sleeping dog lie for now, OK babe?

I also picked up my prints from the camera store-the ones of the baby pix I found of you back at the house in Box Hill. They were slides, from the early 60s, and I had ten of them put into photos. There is only one pix of a person I can't identify, LOL but that's fine. The rest are you as a baby/toddler, sooooo cute and cheeky!

I'll have to scan them all, but the golf one is probably my fave-you and your dad, "playing" golf; sadly both of you are now gone. Maybe you and Sam are still golfing a bit? That would make us all happy in a very small way.

Knowing the sports freak you grew up to be, it's a fun little foreshadowing, isn't it honey?

How could anyone have known that the adorable little boy in these pix would morph into the most loving man I have ever had the good fortune to meet?

While life is never fair, it really can be amazing, can't it, Dazzles?!

I am happy to have had a few chapters of amazing with you, sweets. Some people never even get one.

So I am enjoying the photos a bit, taking care of Smashers- glad we didn't go to LA with Pats and her daughter, that would have been awful with her sick-and deciding what to do with thwe rest of my two weeks off. I have the luxury of time, with no love to make the spending of it worthwhile. Damn!

Love you Dazzy. Always.
Kisses, Wifey.

Home for the Hoildays

Dear Dazzy,

After being held captive at school until 4:45, I finally was allowed to go- and I did! LOL
We can't go home until grades are verified, ya know, but oh yeah, if you gave a test in your last period of the day and you got your paperwork in earlier than most, well then it sat at the bottom of the pile now, didn't it?

HMMMMM...I like to think that I can learn to work smarter, not harder, so NEXT TIME, I am holding all my grading till the last minute-and plopping it down on the TOP of the pile!

There has to be a better way to get grades verified. Since it changes every year, it's never a done deal at a decent time. This year was ridiculous to say the least.

So now it's officially the "Holiday Season" for us. Kids are home, dogs are confused, I have run way too many errands this week that I normally don't have to do, but all seemed to creep up into the "ihavetobedonenow" realm; add to that our stupid Ice Storm of one day and well!
It's been a full week to say the least.

Great thing-reading my students' essays; only a few refuse to get with the program.
Most are ready for any assignment that calls for an Essay! Yea!


This year, as I put away the tiny, tacky, dollar store X-mas tree from my desk, and took down the holiday themed writings from our hall bulletin board, I didn't cry. Improvement? I guess...This time last year I was running out of the building, stifling my sobs; I was going home for a two week break and you would not be around to help make it so much fun.

There would be no Chrissie shopping, just us two; no wrapping late at night with an adult beverage, LOL, no convertible ride through Deer Field to see the Griswold like decor, blazing like an 80's neon t-shirt under a strobe light. No photoshopped cards sent to friends and family, no obnoxious yearly letter to friends-
no Christmas.

The worst was Christmas Eve. With the kids off to the grandparents, you and I used to go out to eat someplace where we could get all dressed up; a romantic time where we could just unwind and appreciate the holiday spirit.

I don't have that spirit anymore. I feel-nothing.

I am happy with the kids home though, and we'll have a good time for sure.
I will visit with friends and that will be fun, too.
I''ll run around to the grocery store ( kids are home, remember? lol) and the mall and the movies and out to eat.

I am planning on culling through all our X-mas decor-time to pack away some things-writing more of your bio, and organizing stuff around the house like I do. I'll get to read, and it will be fine. Much like summer vacation.

But there will be no happiness at my good fortune and yours in our finding one another; no planning of futures over tiramisu and great coffee, no long weekend at a place we've never been to before; no midnight giggles or I love yous said in whispered kisses.

All of that is gone. I can't believe that some days I can live without all of that affection. It's live breathing shallowly to conserve energy.

The hardest thing about the holidays is sadly realizing that hope doesn't work, peace is fleeting at best, and awe and mystery are held only by small children and fairies.

On the BB for ex-pats that I still frequent is a thread that asks, "What do you really want for Christmas?" I want to write, I just want my hubby, but that would upset the apple cart a bit, so I have refrained.

But still, I mean it, babe. I do.

Love you Dazzy. Always.
Kisses, Wifey.

Ice Storm

Dear Dazzy,

Yep we got hit last night-and with all the school district that surround the place where we are CLOSED, I was shocked to find that my place was still OPEN!

Someone dropped the ball big-time here. The roads are treacherous, the sleet is coming down again this morning, and I almost wiped out in my lil convertible as I attempted to go to work early this Tuesday morning. YIKES!

After sliding through an intersection and seeing the crawl of the traffic, I turned around at first chance and chugged my way back into the safety of the Melyork's garage.

I called my boss-whose hubby took her to work in the SUV with 4WD-and said "Sorry, I can't make it in..."

I never take time off at the last minute like this. That damn puritan work ethic -or my narcissism, can't decide which-makes me feel really guilty for leaving my students in the hands of others. I know more than a few teachers probably called in as well, which doesn't help the overall school situation. Since I am NOT in charge, lol, I just have to roll with it.

My motivating factor now is that I am all my kids have-and my car is the only one "home."

If I have a wreck, and I have to have the car repaired, or me repaired, how do I do that alone?

Who would take care of our dogs? How would I get by on disability?( quick answer-I wouldn't!)How would I get to work w/o a car for a long time( Ok, rental, duh Susan, but you know what I mean, babe...)

I know you would have driven me in had you been here. Have to cancel an appt that I had for this arvo, and I will miss a meeting as well. No bank/grocery run either, but those can wait.

Remember when you first moved to TX in '02? We had ice that first winter on Valentine's Day

( it was '03 by then) and school was out for two days. You loved slip-sliding around in it all and took heaps of picture. We don't have those pix on this computer; the photo here was taken on Long Island during out NYC trip-while we don;t have as much snow, it certainly conveys the feeling outside today!

After the initial guilt, I am much more OK with the big picture of me not going to school today-the school will run just fine, my students will be fine, the universe will still expand with it's om-like cosmic breathings of expansion-and I know that it's not a big deal in the snapshot of my life.

Maybe it's good that I feel like this-it tells me I still care about something outside of me and the kids.

Good news is the kids got all their grades in-Go Ms Smashers and her 4.0 self!

Mikestar hits the boards with a solid 3.0 this semester, and a 3.5 overall-I know you are as proud as I am today, honey. May will be here before we know it-and BAM! They graduate!

Life will change drastically once again when that happens. It will be interesting to say the least.

I now have a whole day in which to do nothing, LOL; can't go anyplace with the weather( good thing is tomorrow will be in the 40s so this crap will melt by then) but I should be able to get through some filing and ( gasp) maybe a Chrissie card or two.

The kids are home ( yea) so I don't have to worry about them, lol, and I just know that the dogs are thinking, "Wait-is it Saturday already?"

Hot chocolate is calling my name, Dazzy. More weather updates later!

Love you, Dazzy. Always!

Kisses, Wifey.

Wondering Why

Dear Dazzy,

All I really want some days is for someone/something to tell me WHY.

Why you are not here anymore with us-ME, your family, your friends- enjoying life.

Why. An eternal question, eh babe?

I know there would never be a good reason why you had to leave us so abruptly, but still I ask-WHY? What's the point? The purpose? The reason?

All your dying did was create this gaping hole in the souls of those of us who loved you, and were loved by you in return. It caused such unhappiness and pain, attested to by countless tears and way too many long, lonely stretches of time.

I thought, naively enough, that the passage of time would bring a sense of healing.
Foolish woman. I don't think there will ever be a measurable amount of time that would equal any semblance of healing within my heart. Some days I don't think that the scar tissue that is forming will be strong enough to hold my emotions is check day after day, week after week, year after bloody freaking year.

Today, I am as sad as I ever was. Christmas doesn't really make it worse, for I will miss you on December the 30th just as much as on Nov the 30th or May the 30th or...I am sure you get my drift, sweets.

It still hurts, and I want it to stop, but it never does.

CS Lewis wrote A Grief Observed after the death of his soul mate, Helen, in 1960.

As a couple, they remind me of us, honey :)))

Here's a quote from that book that rings true for me with icicle honed sharpness-

Part of every misery is, so to speak, the misery's shadow or reflection: the fact that you don't merely suffer but have to keep on thinking about the fact that you suffer. I not only live each endless day in grief, but live each day thinking about living each day in grief.

Even with all the wonderful things that still exist in this ephemeral world-the kids, our friends and family, the amazing synchronicity of the planets as they traverse time; really, the endless list I could make that would say, "See? I get it. I appreciate it all- and have for quite some time now- with wonder and amusement and knowing; I only really want the answer to that one unanswerable question-Why?

I know you would tel me if you could, babe.

It wouldn't matter, though.

I'd still hurt-

And you would still be gone...


Love you, Dazzy. Always.

Kisses, Wifey.

Holy Freakin' Crap!

Photo: Daz and David Campbell-1998

Dear Dazzy,

Went out with friends tonight to celebrate one of them turning 40. Yeah, she's the baby of the bunch....but still we had a good time; all of us back to the MelYork for wine and Tim Tams, lol, and playing with dogs in between conversations and laughter.

Once everyone left, I checked in on the computer to see what's going on at Perez, then my fave Aussie ex pat place, and finally check my email.

At my Aussie stop, I wanted to add a few words and a pix that I brought home from my Oz trip (found it in Daz's desk) to a post about David Campbell singing at Carols by Candlelight-a program that goes on every year in Melbourne for X-mas-and as I was taking this pix out of the stack that is in my closet ( waiting to be scanned over x-mas break)...

...the clock radio came on in our bedroom!

Funny thing is, I do not have it set at all-I use my cell phone for my alarm-and I always have it on KERA, the local hi-brow station, LOL

What came on was the religious Christian station ( like a few stops down the dial), with some Chrissy song, that talked about, "...finding my way back home..."

It startled me, of course, and then I got really still, and sat down on the wing chair to listen to the rest of it. It was some sappy thing that I have never heard before, on a station I never listen to, by a band that would never be in rotation on my Ipody-mp3 player.

It came on at the exact time I was walking past the radio with this photo in my hand.

I can't even begin to explain this one. If the kids weren't here to hear it/see it..I'd be calling the boys and girls with the white coats to come on down and get me already!

Dazzy, I am not sure what the holy freakin' crap just went on, but if that WAS you, honey, then wow.

Amazing.

Love you Dazzy. Always.

Kisses, Wifey.

Now THIS is how I REALLY feel this year...

Dear Dazzy,

Yeah. What Oscar said...

Love you Dazzy. Always.
Kisses, Wifey

Season of Light(s)

Dear Dazzy,

Oh honey-walking the dogs tonight, seeing all the houses with Christmas lights up-well, that did me in. I have had quite the stretch of "HappyHappy," recently, but absorbing the optical impact of the neighborhood's seasonal lights, all twinkly and flashing, did nothing but make me cry.

Haven't done that is a good long while!

But seeing the eletronic rainbows up and down the street made me realize that gone are the December days of the MelYork, done up ala Griswold, LOL

Even if I could do it myself, it just wouldn't have the same impact driving down the street and seeing our house all over-the-top blinged out, knowing that the guy who was responsible for that isn't here anymore in the flesh.

Right now I feel nothing but a hollow melancholy for the Season of Light-and after being at this grief BS for a while now, I also know that this empty feeling will probably soon pass.

Sad to think that having these kinds of stuttering emotions during the holiday season will now be my new normal, though. In case I haven't mentioned it before, widowhood S-U-C-K-S, big time.

Big time with a halftime show! With fireworks :(

You should be here,Dazzles; buying crazy blow-up X-mas decorations( I WAAAAAAAANT A SNOWMAN! Remember? LOL, LOL, LOL)and overloading the fuse box with a,"Susie...just one more,'kay?" ugly neon-orange power cord, plugged into a zillion twinkly lights that play the Chipmunks's version of Ave Maria or whatever...

I have tomorrow off-planned it months ago, so I could decorate and shop a bit as well. The weather promises to be nice, and I will be out and about in the convertible-probably the last time I will have the top down this season.

I know I will think about Christmases past more than once as I go through the storage boxes in the garage that hold all our holiday gear. I wonder how much decorating I will actually get to do.

I also wonder, when I am out of sorts like tonight, if you could ever truly know how much I miss you, honey. Actually, I wonder if I will ever know the true depth of my emotions for you. Every time I think I have reached my zenith, a new benchmark appears on the horizon, like a new star just waiting to be discovered, with its brigh and flashy twinkly light...

Love you Dazzy. Always.
Kisses, Wifey.