Growth

Create Your Own



Dear Dazzy,

Today has been a "you-beauuuuuuteaaaaaayy" kinda day.
Great weather, finished a few lil house mini-projects, walked dogs and fed kids. I made fabby chicken and veggies for Mikestar and Sandra. :)
How cute are they together? I knew you'd approve.

How sad I am that you weren't here ( in something other than spirit, you know what I mean?)to spend the day with us. I did what you would have done,though, honey-hugged her hello, made her feel welcome. I even bought her a lil pressie-Mike said she likes Penguins, so when I saw the Penguin Calendar at the store last night I just bought it. I left it in the room for her to find, since they were still out after I was going to bed. It was fun to surprise someone with a pressie for no reason( other than for M and A). I know you were proud of me!

That kind of action is what your friends and I call the "What Would Dazzy Do?" way of life. Usually it means following your heart first then worrying about the details later-if at all :P
It means leaping and trusting that the net will then appear ( with apologies to Julia Cameron from The Artist's Way)!
It means living life full-on, spot-on, and last but not least, head-on.
You taught us so many things babe.

We are so grateful for having you in our lives, even if it was for much too short a time, like a summer Shakespeare truly said it well:

Sonnet 17

Shall I compare Thee to a summers' day?

Thou art more lovely and more temperate:

Rough winds do shake the darling buds of May,

And summer's lease hath all too short a date:

Sometime too hot the eye of heaven shines,

And often is his gold complexion dimmed;

An every fair from fair sometime declines,

And often is his gold complexion dimmed;

An every fair from fair sometime declines,

By chance, or nature's changing course, untrimmed;'

But Thy eternal summer shall not fade,

Nor lose possession of that fair Thou owest;

Nor shall Death brag Thou wander'st in his shade,

When in eternal lines to time Thou growest:

So long as men can breathe, or eyes can see,

So long lives this, and this gives life to Thee.

I though about this sonnet today even though it is technically Autumn; but with arvo temps in the 80's-27 or so for you celsious folk-it feels like summer is still with us. You were like a summer day, babe, all bright and cheery and breezy in our lives. You warmed us, comforted us, made us feel happy. Carefree. Loved. We got to run barefoot through your love, and you were soft underfoot like newly mown grass. I always embraced the Taoist idea of us collectively being god, all connected, every living thing, breathing in harmony to the same vibration in the universe.

That's not gone now just because you are not physically here.
I keep replaying in my head what Nan told me about you "not missing anything" and I keep telling myself that now you live in my heart instead of next to my body. It's not how I would have liked things to be, but dammit no one asked me. ( you know I would have said,"NO, HELL NO!" to your leaving...)

So I do the best I can, and cry when I need to , and smile when I remember something wonderful about you and curse at you when I think of some things that we just never got around to-like you painting us a family portrait, or us going on a cruise ( we were waiting for an anniversary, foolish mistake to wait, eh?) or even just buying that latest gadget that you always wanted, you geeky guy you.
I know one can't do everything at once, and we crammed a LOT of wedded bliss into our almost eight years of hanging around each other :), but still. I wish we had had more time together. Always.

In my laundry list of stuff to do around the house, I have gotten to the point where I think we can start the side garden. I want to grow more veggies out there-right now it's to-mah-to heaven-and I want to have some kind of marker out there for you, because you loved being outside and working on your "grounds", singing "Give me a home among the gum trees..."

I found the perfect small tribute bench-only two feet long, so it can go under the pine out there-with a terrific inscription:

"Perhaps they are not stars in the sky,

but rather openings where our loved ones

shine down to let us know they are happy."

Isn't that fitting? We loved stars. They were our "thing." Since we lived on opposite sides of the Earth we could never see the same star patterns at night.

We used to say that all we wanted was to see the same stars every night-shorthand for being together. We sent each other mnay cards with stars on 'em. I collected Swavorski star ornaments for our Christmas tree; and Kath gave us those cool magnetic stars table decor to use every year on our anniversary. * * * * *

Our wedding invites- that you designed and made by hand- featured star cut outs. We were really just science geeks awed by the natural beauty and power of those hot orbs of gasses swirling around the universe. I like that we paid attention to the beauty of the universe.

I think that as artists, we couldn't escape that if we tried.

So with that feeling of awe and gratitude I am setting about to work on the garden, write your biography, and move forward somehow in my day-to-day life.

I am antsy to life weights again, go to yoga, run. I think that's a positive thing, that feeling restless.

It means I want to accomplish something more. It's a good feeling. I want to embrace that as much as possible. Here's to moving on, moving up, moving through. Here's to love-and life.

Love you Dazzles. Always.

Kisses, Wifey