Wednesday, September 19, 2007

Kath and Kim

Dear Dazzy,
It's the 19th today-tomorrow is a big day. It's our anniversary of sorts-seven years ago, on September 20, 2000, you and I met for the very first time face-to face.

Seven years ago tonight, I was at a store buying groceries.

I found myself at the same store tonight that I was at all those years ago-when I was buying pasta and all the rest of the makings of a nice Italian dinner that I was making for you, along with a great bottle of Champers and flowers, candles and balloons.

I was anxious and nervous and thrilled that we would finally be in each other's arms-something that we had worked towards since November of 1999. We realized early on that our meeting via the Internet would change our lives; our meeting in person showed us to what degree that change would be.

September 20th is , sadly, also the five month marker of your death.
After tomorrow, all those you left behind fit into a new category-the start of the dreaded six month mark. The one that people say is just hideous-like it could get worse?! Jeeze...

Tomorrow will be a sad day for my heart, my soul, the very essence of who I am now. In a bid to stop the flow of tears tonight, I dragged out an old fave-Kath and Kim. That Aussie series was a hoot and I fell in love with it back in 2001.
When the main characters were getting married, we were too-it was a fun time back in 2002...anyway, we always like the show, watched it all the time when we were in Oz; it's sooooooooooooo bogan and really just so damn funny that I thought if I would go through some of their promos that are on the web I would feel a bit better.

(I did laugh out loud at the wine times :P For those who wish to, click the title and it will link you to the K&K promo spot. It's classic)

My heart is so full tonight, though, my love-I remember how much we couldn't wait to be together, and when we were, it was nothing short of magical. I remember all of it, every minute detail, from what we were wearing to how you put your strong arms around me at DFW and lifted me off the ground for our first kiss...and that is all I can bear to write.

The memory of that night-Faith Hill's Breathe on the radio at home, us drinking Champagne toasts to our newly minted love and all the changes that would be coming as a result of it; the kisses and laughter and wonderment at our good fortune-I will never be eloquent enough with words to put onto paper-or into cyberspace or whathaveyou-the way your love for me made me feel.

I hate my life without you. It is perfunctory; sad, lonely, and without purpose-except for those wonderful kids of "ours."
You always called them ours-another reason to love you, Dazzy. One of just so many.
These anniversaries will be hard, I know. I expect it. Doesn't make it any easier though. Not one bit easier, in fact.

Seven years ago I couldn't sleep from anticipation. Tonight, grief and tears will be what keeps me awake. Hell is not a far away place,you know, like some people say; I dwell in it every day, honey. Every day without you.

Tomorrow will be hard. I hope my memories will be enough to see me through, and I wait for the day when I can be thankful for the time we had instead of sad for the time we lost...maybe one day babe. One day.

Love you Dazzles. Always.

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