45

Dear Dazzy,

Tomorrow-Monday, the 28th of September-marks what would have been your 45th birthday.
It's the third time your birthday will pass with only those of us left behind to make the occassion; Andrew, me, the kids-all of your friends and family-we don't forget.

How could we?

How could we ever forget the man who loved us so, who worked so hard to make us smile, who insisted that life was mysetrious and wonderful and so worth living?

Tomorrow, I will take a moment, and say "Happy Birthday" to the man who made me believe in true love all those years ago. While life goes on, and everything moves forward-even me-you will never be forgotten, my love. Never.

Love you Dazzy. Always.
Kisses, Wifey

its been ages...

Dear Dazzy,

I still miss you so much I am truely surprised it hasn't killed me.

I have gone through the motions these past two years and three months and assorted days trying to have a life again. Most days now are fine-but some, ah, some sneak up like emotional ninjas just waiting to take me down, and when they do I feel like the universe is spinning the wrong way once again.

I shop and cook and read and can listen to music once again and I travel and laugh with the kids and our friends and I email/FB/etc others and on the surface it seems as if I am going in the direction of my dreams...but I cannot shake this awful, gut-wrenching, soul ripping sadness that makes me think I will be alone no matter who comes along-if anyone of substance ever does-because it will simply not be YOU, my sweets. It won't ever be you. Ever.

I am in a funk because the summer is coming to a close, school starts in two weeks, the kids are looking for jobs, and I feel like I am still just treading water insted of swimming along .

I know it won't last a long time. I know I will occupy my time with things and paperwork and writing but damn, Dazzy-I will never understand in a million years why you are not still here on earth with me, the kids, your friends and family-ugh.

I remember how excited I was to return to school back in 2001 b/c we had gotten engaged and were making plans for our 2002 wedding in Oz. What a happy summer; what a happy time...

This sucks. I have no family left anymore since my Dad has passed; my friends are wonderful but it's not the same as having that one special love by your side throughout your days, no matter how spectacular or mundane those days turn out to be.

I just miss you heaps right now, babe. Heaps. Here's to better days ASAP.

Love you, Dazzy.
Always.
Kisses, Wifey

a random saturday in july...

...and it's OK.
Have been reading and cleaning and went out with friends last night; today-at dinnertime-I am off to see the movie "Moon."

You would have loved it babe, and I know this would have been our "Saturday night date movie" this week, lol. While I have actually gone out with a few men these past two months, no one holds a candle to you , honey, and I bet it will be a very long time until I can find one who will.

If ever.

Dating is such a stupid activity anyway-sometimes I wish I had parents who would just arrange something for me, LOL. Mostly, I just wish you were still here. I guess that feeling is one that will never go away. I used to think that it would, with time....but now I really know.

It doesn't. I just chose to look at the circumstances differently, that's all.

Mike is out in Cali with Matt. Having a blast for sure. Ash is up in Denton, doing wedding shopping things with a friend of hers who is getting married next spring-Ash is a bridesmaid-and I have had a quiet house once again, the first time since May, :P

It's not awful. I can be in the quite and appreciate it, but I do a much better job of it when I have work all week and bootcamp for three or four days and etc.

I should be writing. I should be shopping. I have to go see my Dad later; after the movie will be good. He never wakes up much now, so I usually just comb his hair and talk to him aloud while I watch some drivel on TV and hope that he dies peacefully in his sleep in the not too distant future.

Jeeze.

I'd like to take the kids to NYC before school starts again por moi and after going to London I'd like to go EVERYWHERE, LOL.

I have this procatination and lethargic-ness that I haven't had before-it's not depression, but it is a settling of sorts in my soul-I think I am finally at the acceptance phase of my grief.

Wonder what's next? Hmmm....

I have dreamt of you so often lately I am surprised. I didn't/couldn't dream of you at all for so long that this is a bit weird. Not sure what you are trying to tell me, other than you will always be in my heart/mind when I make decisions as I navigate life without your physical presence.

So I am really missing you today, babe, as you can tell. Miss doing a house project with you, picking a movie, eating out, walking the dog, watching you shave, checking up on the Tigers, planning our next get-away...planning our life over Sunday morning I-HOP pancakes and coffee. Together.

I know, I know. I shouldn't dwell on what's not to be. I should concentrate on this moment, and how to live in it fully, and appreciate life for what it is, and not for what it isn't. But like the kid who gets a bit chubby before having a growth spurt, maybe my two steps back right now is getting me reading for the next phase of my life-another chapter of the book of my life without you as the protagonist, babe. :P

Here's to happiness and peace in all our souls.

Love you, Dazzy. Always.
Kisses, Wifey.

Seeing is Believing?

This morning, as I woke up, I rolled over to catch a glimpse of the real time on my cell phone-come-alarm clock, and I was startled to see a figure of a man in a dark suit, standing at the corner of the foot of the bed, as if he were watching me sleep-

It was certainly Daryl.

The just-so hair, the suit, the broad shoulders-all of it just a fleeting glimpse, but there is no doubt in my mind whom it was. Maybe it means my dad is closer to death than before; possibly it's for Ranger, out lil beagle mix, who at 16 is going to the vet for what will probabably be his last visit tomorrow @ 3 P.M.

I used to know how everything worked, lol, but now-all bets are off.

Daz would certainly be the one to come get our dog, if that's how things can work on the other side of the cement veil. I guess we'll see-

Love you, Dazzy. Always. Nice to see you today for a sec-
Kisses,
Wifey.

Happy Anniversary

Seven years ago today I married the planet's most wonderful man.

My grief has subsided and is definately more manageable most of the time, but today-ah, today-it's an endless sadness.

I feel like a crumpled leaf, fallen from the tree of love, decomposing on the floor of life.

Love you Dazzy. Always.
Kisses, Wifey.