Monday, August 03, 2009

its been ages...

Dear Dazzy,

I still miss you so much I am truely surprised it hasn't killed me.

I have gone through the motions these past two years and three months and assorted days trying to have a life again. Most days now are fine-but some, ah, some sneak up like emotional ninjas just waiting to take me down, and when they do I feel like the universe is spinning the wrong way once again.

I shop and cook and read and can listen to music once again and I travel and laugh with the kids and our friends and I email/FB/etc others and on the surface it seems as if I am going in the direction of my dreams...but I cannot shake this awful, gut-wrenching, soul ripping sadness that makes me think I will be alone no matter who comes along-if anyone of substance ever does-because it will simply not be YOU, my sweets. It won't ever be you. Ever.

I am in a funk because the summer is coming to a close, school starts in two weeks, the kids are looking for jobs, and I feel like I am still just treading water insted of swimming along .

I know it won't last a long time. I know I will occupy my time with things and paperwork and writing but damn, Dazzy-I will never understand in a million years why you are not still here on earth with me, the kids, your friends and family-ugh.

I remember how excited I was to return to school back in 2001 b/c we had gotten engaged and were making plans for our 2002 wedding in Oz. What a happy summer; what a happy time...

This sucks. I have no family left anymore since my Dad has passed; my friends are wonderful but it's not the same as having that one special love by your side throughout your days, no matter how spectacular or mundane those days turn out to be.

I just miss you heaps right now, babe. Heaps. Here's to better days ASAP.

Love you, Dazzy.
Kisses, Wifey

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