Sunday, December 14, 2008

Wondering Why

Dear Dazzy,

All I really want some days is for someone/something to tell me WHY.

Why you are not here anymore with us-ME, your family, your friends- enjoying life.

Why. An eternal question, eh babe?

I know there would never be a good reason why you had to leave us so abruptly, but still I ask-WHY? What's the point? The purpose? The reason?

All your dying did was create this gaping hole in the souls of those of us who loved you, and were loved by you in return. It caused such unhappiness and pain, attested to by countless tears and way too many long, lonely stretches of time.

I thought, naively enough, that the passage of time would bring a sense of healing.
Foolish woman. I don't think there will ever be a measurable amount of time that would equal any semblance of healing within my heart. Some days I don't think that the scar tissue that is forming will be strong enough to hold my emotions is check day after day, week after week, year after bloody freaking year.

Today, I am as sad as I ever was. Christmas doesn't really make it worse, for I will miss you on December the 30th just as much as on Nov the 30th or May the 30th or...I am sure you get my drift, sweets.

It still hurts, and I want it to stop, but it never does.

CS Lewis wrote A Grief Observed after the death of his soul mate, Helen, in 1960.

As a couple, they remind me of us, honey :)))

Here's a quote from that book that rings true for me with icicle honed sharpness-

Part of every misery is, so to speak, the misery's shadow or reflection: the fact that you don't merely suffer but have to keep on thinking about the fact that you suffer. I not only live each endless day in grief, but live each day thinking about living each day in grief.

Even with all the wonderful things that still exist in this ephemeral world-the kids, our friends and family, the amazing synchronicity of the planets as they traverse time; really, the endless list I could make that would say, "See? I get it. I appreciate it all- and have for quite some time now- with wonder and amusement and knowing; I only really want the answer to that one unanswerable question-Why?

I know you would tel me if you could, babe.

It wouldn't matter, though.

I'd still hurt-

And you would still be gone...

Love you, Dazzy. Always.

Kisses, Wifey.

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