Saturday, January 17, 2009

Dear Dazzy,

Hi, honey. It's been quite the week as you may know.

Harley-only you called my Dad by his proper name; to everyone else he is Jack-is finally settled in at the nursing home. We have no idea when/how/if he will ever leave and come home.
Dr.'s estimate a 6 month-1 yr time frame for him; I would like to see him home for the most part until hospice is really, really, needed, but I am not hopeful.

It's difficult , but nothing like what we went through with my Mom nearly 11 years ago.
That nightmarish hell is something I do not want to revisit tonight.

11 years ago you an I hadn't met yet! This year will mark the ten year anniversary of our oh-so-fortunate late night( for me-mid day your time) "HI" and subsequent happily entwined lives.

You will forever be a part of me, of what I do, of how I look to the future-my soul mate artist, coloring every page of my life from the mundane to the frenetic, with brilliant hues and interesting detail.

With the long weekend, I have some down time to catch my breath after everything with my Dad ( and my ex FIL-funeral on Monday! ). I knew it would be a good day to go through my closet. I made a new CD from the kids' I-tunes list for motivation, LOL but as I began, I realized instantly why I have procrastinated over this chore for so long now.

Adornment is never anything except a reflection of the heart. ~Gabrielle "Coco" Chanel

Nearly everything that is hanging in my closet was bought :

By you,

(from all my lingerie to the black blouse and hot pink (!) heels I wore to your funeral service that you picked from a catalogue two weeks before your death, saying "these would suit" in your Aussie lingo that I achingly miss to this day)

With you, or

( my lippy-you would hold up the colors next to me and pronounce one "very noooooooooice;" runners/sneakers were always bought with you as well-no real reason, we just did, LOL)

For you

( my red leather coat for my first trip to the land "Down-Undah")

I didn't really think too much about the items in my closet on a conscious level before tonight.
I mean, really, who does?

Since I discovered Feng Shui many years ago, I don't hoard "stiff" of any kind, so it wasn't a disaster or anything like that to cull through my things.

But every time I held something up to pass judgement on it-should it stay or should it go-it forced memory to "seep through my veins" ( thank you, Sarah McLachlan).
Things like-

My pink halter and printed floral op-art skirt:

How can I ever wear this combination again without imagining the sunset as the gondolier paddled us around a faux canal here in TX on our second anniversary, us sipping champers and eating chocolates? We had a great Dallas weekend that year; you were new to the state and we had a blast at all the local joints. We went to the Movie Museum in Las Colinas, stayed at a swish hotel downtown, went on a Cowboy Stadium tour, and romantic dinners out capped off a wonderful three day celebration.

Further back in my cavern of adornments is a cream colored blazer/pants; sort of a suit.

I have not worn both together since 2003. I do wear the blazer occasionally , but the pants are a bit long in the tooth style wise now.

Doesn't matter.

What does matter is that I remember wearing that suit ( that you helped pick out) for our very first Valentine's Day as an official "Hubby and Wifey" couple.
We went to a swanky surf and turf place- didn't even LOOK at the prices-and we ate lobster washed down with bottle of champagne and chocolate truffles. ( hmmm there is a pattern here, eh babe? LOL) We ran into Chuck and his girl, (the guy that has been styling my hair for yonks) and even he made a comment about how happy we looked and how great my "suit" looked!

I felt like the chick in the old "Charley" perfume commercials!

Then there are a few OZ t-shirts that you brought over on your fist trip here; your Michael Salmon Tees with your characters on the front; and black shoes of all sorts of ridiculous heights that I haven't worn in just about two years time.

You loved to buy me dressy shoes; I wore a different pair every time we went out on the weekend. I am parting with them tonight, because I haven't been anywhere in nearly two years time or with anyone that would warrant me putting on those high heels, so it's time for them to go.

Of course, the grande dame of my closet is my wedding dress.

It's pale pink, strapless, a two piece number that has beautiful beading and a lace-up back.
It hangs in a garment bag, at the back of all my clothes. sort of a talisman for romance and love and wishes that really do come true.

I will never part with it, but I am moving it into your closet, babe.

I just can't look at that nondescript blue plastic garment protector (with the crocheted hanger that your Mum made) on a daily basis anymore, knowing full well what hangs inside of it.

Sorta like salt in a wound, ya know, honey?
Yeah. I knew you would understand.

It's quite the undertaking, this rearrangement of one's life during grief.

Even with all the hoopla surrounding my Dad this past week, I am still in a good place emotionally, which explains my ability to clean out my closet, rearrange my life just a bit more, and make room for what will come next- whatever that will be.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

I hope this isn't an unwelcome comment. I've read this blog for months and I've wondered whether I should say it or not.

I guess what I wanted to say is that you have made me believe in love, true love, and your Dazzy had made me believe in human goodness again. Of course I only know a little about him, but the way you write about him has convinced me that there are good and true people out there in the world.