Tuesday, December 02, 2008

Season of Light(s)

Dear Dazzy,

Oh honey-walking the dogs tonight, seeing all the houses with Christmas lights up-well, that did me in. I have had quite the stretch of "HappyHappy," recently, but absorbing the optical impact of the neighborhood's seasonal lights, all twinkly and flashing, did nothing but make me cry.

Haven't done that is a good long while!

But seeing the eletronic rainbows up and down the street made me realize that gone are the December days of the MelYork, done up ala Griswold, LOL

Even if I could do it myself, it just wouldn't have the same impact driving down the street and seeing our house all over-the-top blinged out, knowing that the guy who was responsible for that isn't here anymore in the flesh.

Right now I feel nothing but a hollow melancholy for the Season of Light-and after being at this grief BS for a while now, I also know that this empty feeling will probably soon pass.

Sad to think that having these kinds of stuttering emotions during the holiday season will now be my new normal, though. In case I haven't mentioned it before, widowhood S-U-C-K-S, big time.

Big time with a halftime show! With fireworks :(

You should be here,Dazzles; buying crazy blow-up X-mas decorations( I WAAAAAAAANT A SNOWMAN! Remember? LOL, LOL, LOL)and overloading the fuse box with a,"Susie...just one more,'kay?" ugly neon-orange power cord, plugged into a zillion twinkly lights that play the Chipmunks's version of Ave Maria or whatever...

I have tomorrow off-planned it months ago, so I could decorate and shop a bit as well. The weather promises to be nice, and I will be out and about in the convertible-probably the last time I will have the top down this season.

I know I will think about Christmases past more than once as I go through the storage boxes in the garage that hold all our holiday gear. I wonder how much decorating I will actually get to do.

I also wonder, when I am out of sorts like tonight, if you could ever truly know how much I miss you, honey. Actually, I wonder if I will ever know the true depth of my emotions for you. Every time I think I have reached my zenith, a new benchmark appears on the horizon, like a new star just waiting to be discovered, with its brigh and flashy twinkly light...

Love you Dazzy. Always.
Kisses, Wifey.


jessica said...

Hi - I don't have a name that I can address you by (I just now lamely realized!). I lost my husband in mid-May of this year, and I have followed a few other blogs written by widows. I picked up yours (originally) on Janine's One Breath at a Time. This will be my first Christmas without Greg, and I certainly feel like you do, concerning outdoor lights. This will be the first year that I (we) will not put up a tree. Too much emotion invested in that one for me, this year. Daz sounds like a great guy, the most important part being that you were obviously well-paired. I was already writing my blog when Greg died, and it has turned into a kind of journaling thing for me. Sort of therapeutic (and that will confirm, to some, that I AM "certifiable"). A virtual hug to you **<<>>**.

Luanne said...

Oscar the Grouch. How apropos his sentiments have been for all of us at one time or another.

May love and laughter fill your days during this Chrismas season. Sounds like you and Dazzy had lots to laugh about.

And I hope the thoughts and prayers of others who have experienced the loss of a spouse too will help you to feel especially cared about during the Christmas Season.