Sunday, January 04, 2009

Make-Believe Reality

Dear Dazzy,

After a whole bunch of decent days-wherein I look forward to a future, albeit without you, last night was really awful. I havent cried that much in yonks!

I put a few more wedding pictures away yesterday, rearranged and container-stored more of your art work, cds, etc. I thought it was the "right time" to do so.

And it was; my problem comes from the opposite sides of the fence that my emotions and my intellect occupy.

They are very, very far apart most days, yesterday being no exception.

So I did what I had to do, then took Boomer for the longest walk he and I have ever been on, lol. I walked and talked to you and stopped at the park so I could have a good out-loud cry, sobbing while I sat on a swing in a park that you and I used to visit. It's our local park, the one we used to walk to every night after dinner back when we had our wonderful, comfy, suburban existence.

I was grateful for the amazingly warm night-it was still 72 degrees when Boomer and I took our stroll. The stars were ablaze in the night sky-no cloud cover, no obstructions, just the twinkling and reflection of those thousands of balls of gasses and life-containing molecules highlighted by the ebony blanket of space that covers us all.

Remember making tents out of a table and a blanket when we were kids, Dazzy?
Even though we grew up on opposite sides of the planet, we both did the same things, and I know that was one of them.

I sometimes think about the earth and the solar system and everything that we establish as "known" and I wonder if we are not just silly children, playing under that card table of life, with reality just a blanket toss away. We pretend, we giggle and have fun and never give a thought as to what the grown-ups or the powers that be are doing outside of our own little fantasy world.

Then someone snatches that blanket off the top of our make-believe house/rocket/batmobile and the harsh glare of the much-too-bright light floods our eyes enough to make us blink really hard as our playing is brought to a halt, and we scamper off to find something else to do.

I loved it when we lived under that blanket-covered table of ours, babe.
I really did. I know you did, too.

Now,however, it is time for more changes.
I hate them, but am relieved when I finally do them.

Like yesterday.

Tonight is my last night of winter vacation from school (barring the freezing rain that's coming our way!). I got quite a lot accomplished organizing wise these past two weeks. I still have heaps of photo stuff to categorize and whatnot, but that can wait until Spring Break.
No hurry, really, on that.

I also bought myself new shoes and a sweater; went to the movies and out to eat (both with and without kids) and even got a new plant for the lounge room. The weather was decent for the most part and I actually made it through Christmas and NYE and the twins B-days without throwing in the towel, which is saying a LOT.

I caved a bit last night, but it was because of the upheaval in my heart, not my house, and I know that. I am sure every time I take another step forward that it will feel that way-weird and new and shaky and scary and OK all at the same time.

I am excited to go back to work and dig into the methodology of teaching once again-but tonight I will dream of our simpler days, when you and I were together under that blanket-over-the-table house. I miss you, sweets. Heaps and heaps...

Love you, Dazzy. Always.
KIsses, Wifey.

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