Sunday, February 15, 2009

beginnings and endings

Dear Dazzy,

Hi honey. As you know, I have been toying with the idea of your life story in book for for some time now. This summer may see me finish that task:)

With all that's going on with my dad, and my sister falling apart over it, and work and friends and the house and the dogs and -well, life-I think it is the right time to end my official letters to you, my words of love and longing and mourning.

That my life is full once again is no more amazing to anyone than me.
It has taken 1 year, 9 months, and 27 days for me to really truly believe that I am going to be OK. That life really can be what I want it to be again, and that living in the shadow of your death is no longer necessary.


The kids are thriving, my dad has mere months before he gets to see you again, and work is good. My friends and I have a pretty good weekend thing going on, and I am open to all the possibilities the universe has for me-good ones ONLY, please!

No one-ever-will be you, or take your place, honey. I know that. But the thought of being alone for the rest of whatever days I have left on this earth is not a happy one either; so out I go into the world of possibilities-after May, when the kids graduate( I KNOW!) I can choose where to live, whom will I give my time to, where I will teach-and change is coming. I can feel it.

I am ready.

Because of you, Dazzy, I learned what it was to love someone unconditionally, wholly, without thought of mistrust or manipulation. You were my shining star of a husband, and I will be forever grateful that you came into my life-and even though it was not nearly the amount of time I thought we would have, I am still grateful for every fun-filled second that we did have.

You are a unique and beautiful soul, Dazzy. I know you hear me when I talk to you, and I know that I will see you again one day-I know that for sure.

I thought we would have forever, and in a way we still do-your love will be forever in my heart, your kindness etched into my soul, and your story always, always, always told by me.

I may pop in from time to time just to update you on things, babe, but for now-I am ending this so I can begin again. I know you understand what I mean.

Thank you, honey, for everything-everything.
Love you, Dazzy. Always.
Kisses, Wifey


Anonymous said...

I will miss your writings, as much as I miss loved ones. xo

jessica said...

I can understand why you are ending this blog, since you stated that reason(s) that you began it, in the first place. And I will also miss your writings - but if you start another blog, please let the faithful readers know!

My life started on another phase in late December, and I wish you so much luck as you go in a new direction. It is scary and yet hopeful. As I read on another widow's blog: "Love doesn't die. The person dies." And having loved someone - yes, until death does part us - means that we can and should love again. I hope you find what you are searching for.
{{Hugs}} from Houston.