Saturday, November 10, 2007

Me and You

Dear Dazzy,

Hi honey-just me. Thought I would keep you up to date on my oh so important happenings :P

I found a few pix that weren't scanned/saved and thought I would post the famous one of you in you Aussie bathers-woohoo! Your dearest friends gave them to you so you "wouldn't forget where you came from" Its no wonder the DRs though you were in such great shape-look at you! You were!

The second one is how I chubby I feel these days :P

Its been quite the week, babe. Emotions running from high to low. From standing in your closet sobbing my heart out because you are not here, to smiling at what you left us-a legacy of unwavering love that I can feel even beyond the life/death barrier that separates us now.

I painted the fence out front finally-we had such gorgeous weather today; it was a real Daz and Sue work at home kinda day-you know, radio blaring, me doing one thing you doing the other, us orbiting each other like Castor and Pollux, having a good time while getting the fall/winter chores knocked down to size. Afterwards, Asian food for dinner and Gingerbread Lattes at SB.

Lots of good conversation would follow. Laughter and a few dog yaps would surely have been heard as well. Kissing was a no-brainer. Farts would have been optional. ( NOTE: it was a topic on MUO today, which I though was sooooooooo funny, and you would have too, O king of the dutch oven!)

I think some days I miss that the most-our conversations. We talk incessantly that first year, and even more after that! Basically if we were awake we were discussing something. Politics, religion, sex, the cosmos, life and death, Star Trek or Star Wars, we dissected it night and day.

Except in the early morning, of course. I am anti-morning, and you used to use that against me :) in a funny way, didn't ya babe? Lil buggar. :P

I miss that. I miss having that sounding board, that safe haven for crazy ideas or hurt feelings. I miss you making us tea on a Sunday night while singing ACDC in the kitchen as we planned out lunches and work-week and date night and the rest of our lives.

Ok, so now that the rest of our lives means that only one of us is still in human form, what do I do now? Boomer and Rangie are cute but talking Iraq/Iran or Kath and Kim or pastels vs brights just doensn't cut it with them, babe!

Whne I think of the fact that I have had these lopsided conversations now for nearly seven months I cringe. It's like being in a time warp gone wrong; a black hole sucking the energy into it from the rim of existance-that's what grief and mourning feel like to me. I'm on the edge of gravity, scraping the fingernails of my soul along that rim, fighting with everything I've got to keep from going over that edge, into that black pit of hoplessness.

I will not live like that. It's time to put a few more things in different places, talk to new and different people at the bookclub, sign up for classes for my Master's stuff in January-time to move along. I need people to talk to honey, just like you always did-and while I blog and talk to you outloud like a madwoman, its just not enough anymore. I know you will be with me as I go through yet another step in the grief process. I know I'll discuss it all with you before I make any decisions. I know you will give me some kind of sign that lets me know it's all OK.Too bad it can't be in person, or on the phone, or in an email! Damn! Or should I say Buggar!

Love you Dazzy. Even if I have to play both parts of the happy couple for a while.

Kisses, Wifey

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