Nutcracker

Dear Dazzy,

We have had a busy couple of days/nights here in the W household. This past Thursday, I went to my book club meeting. I haven't been to this teacher's house in many years, and it was kind of time warpy-nothing had changed!
I mean I was there nine years ago, and the same carpet/paper/kitchen etc threw me for a bit of a loop.
The last time I was in that house was the year before I met you !

How I wish time could have stood still for you and I like it did there.

Damn.

Then on Friday night Mikey and I went to see The Kite Runner. Fabulous movie, you would have liked it; sad and redemptive and brilliant acting. It was a long one but we were still home by 11; I didn't get to sleep 'til 12.

Late night for me, woohoo! Good way to start my winter break.

Actually it didn't start off that well; I was OK at school all day Friday until the assembly.
Christmas music.
Kids singing in the choir.
When they started to sing The First Noel, I lost it.
I thought of being in church all those years ago with my Mom and how she will be gone ten years come May of '08-ten years-how could that be?

Look at how the kids have grown and changed in that time.

Hell, look at how I have changed as well-mostly in good ways, I hope.

I just looked at my boss and told her I was done, finis, gone-she nodded and just said OK. I think maybe she was surprised to see me falling apart still, but Christmas and the rest of the holiday season has been torturous. I cried over your green velvet Chrissy stocking that I made you years ago; over the fact that I won't get to fill it with sour gummy worms and Altoids and Listerine breath strips and peppermint candies and a Starbucks card. :(

I cry at our old Christmas cards that we sent to one another the years we were apart and the ones we handed each other in person or hid in the house for the other to find. Torturous. No other word coins my feelings so well right now.

Sat-Day( said in my best Aussie wanna be vocalization, lol) I took me, kids, and their SO's to the Nutcracker. I drove. So did Mikey. Now, Dazzy,I know you are already laughing, because that kid, bless his heart, has MY sense of direction-passed down to me from my Mom-and yes I wrote it down for both of us...BUT:

M didn't know about the same road that changes names here.
Strike one.
He also left his cell phone home, since he put on dress pants and his phone was in his jeans.
Strike two.
Once lost, he called his sister, who, like the good patron of the Arts that she is, had already turned her phone OFF.
Strike three.
Did he call me from his GF's phone?
Nope!
Couldn't remember MY number, b/c all you have to do is press send on a cell phone, no memorization required!

So I am in the lobby. Waiting. Waiting.Waiting.
At ten minutes past I am ticked off.
Half an hour goes by and I am convinced that the Camaro and its occupants are in big trouble; after all I know first hand how unfair life can be.
I am now pacing, deciding what to do next-do I go in, disrupt the show, get A and N to come out and help me start looking for them in pitch black 9 p.m. 30 degree weather?
Do we call the cops? Scratched that when I realized I don't know the license plate number...
That's about when I thought about what you would be doing in this situation.
"He'll be riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight," I could hear you saying.
You'd reassure me, hug me tightly, help me to not immediately think in the negative.
But your weren't there, babe.
I knew what you would have said to me, but I really needed to feel those strong arms around me, making "overreacting Mom" feel better.
It made me feel you loss more than I have in a while.
As the panic was starting to take hold, 35 minutes late, M and S came in through the door. I was so happy that they weren't in a wreck I didn't gripe.

Much.

So we all went in and watched the performance. Both kids danced in this show so many times I know it all by heart. I love it.
The opening of the second act surprised me though-Ash was an Angel her first two years in the show, and they always open the second act, where they lead Marie-Claire
(Or Clara, or Marie, depending on your version of the Nutcracker)into the land of Sweets, etc. in her dream...

They changed it!
And no one asked me or told me or ran it by me first!
Here were new characters-woodland fairies-carrying the sleepy girl to the kingdom of sweets.

As I watched, I became absorbed in the movement of it all. It was pretty, and probably more fitting in character, etc. In the end , I decided it was fine.
Just not what I expected, or knew from before, or had planned on...

Just like my life. The parallels were not lost on me. Something that was so ingrained in my head about the pattern it should take suddenly zigged where it should have zagged. Cliche included!

I liked it, actually; it was seamless and the costuming was pretty and fit the performance and the storyline. Maybe, I thought, just maybe, my life will be OK as well. Maybe I will grow to find I like the eventual twists and turns that are coming and that in the end it will be fine. That's a hard hard thing to reconcile, honey, because your death will never be fine by me.

Never.

But I do long for the day when I can say, with all honesty, that I am once again truly happy. That day seems far off my horizon right now. I am hoping you might be able to help me steer a bit more in that direction if you can, babe.

Thanks honey-you're the best.

Love you Dazzles.
Kisses, Wifey.