Friday, May 18, 2007

A Different Kind of Friday

Dear Dazzy,
Time is so subjective to me now. Weird, eh?
Four weeks. A month. 30 Days. How can it be that long already?

I still watch the clock on Fridays, and I still avoid going home until after 5 pm.
It's not rational or intelligent, but it is what I do these days. My new normal.

Anyway one counts it, it has been too long without you, honey.
I cried all the way home today, like I usually do, but I made a cuppa and sat on the couch as soon as I got home and then I talked to Kim. She is having a crisis of her own, and it felt good to be commiserating with someone( not that her bad situation is a good thing, mind you) instead of being the one in the most amount of pain. Sometimes I feel like a social pariah, with everyone asking "how are you doing? " but phrasing it as a rhetorical question. I think they are afraid my "bad luck" will rub off on them.

I made up my mind to get out of the house this weekend a bit.

Ash and her friend/friend's Mom & Dad took us out to see Shrek III.
At first, I wasn't sure how that was going to go.
After the opening scene ( the whole "get some PJ's" is such a personal joke in our house,LOL, honey you would have been cracking up!) I was OK. I felt wistful because animation was such a huge part of your life, and we had, of course, seen Shrek II together.

Seeing SII with you was so much fun--Studio Movie Grill, a bunch of appetizers, two beers, and us. We were the only adults without kids there that day. The wild irreverence of the movie and its social commentary were divine.

Then the character of Donkey, when told to amuse himself, started making that popping sound with his mouth...and well, we just lost it.

We laughed harder than any kid there, that was for sure! We cracked jokes about that silly movie for days, and even now, when I make that stupid Donkey sound, I can remember that Saturday arvo in microscopic detail.

I remember how bright the sunlight was when we came out of the theater; I remember how giggly we were after our beers, but most of all I remember how you put your arm around me as we walked to the car and you said, "C'mon, Princess, let's go have some fun of our own at home."

And we did. :)

We always enjoyed each other's company. Now, I can't stand the empty space that hovers next to me when I go anywhere. The space that was reserved for you, Dazzy; like the space next to me in the movies, the space next to me in bed, the space next to me in life on the way to our next big adventure.

Much like Shrek himself, you knew who you were, and you were comfiest in your home with me and the kids and Ranger.

I will always love you for making our home such a happy one.
Part of me will be sad for the rest of my life that we didn't have more time to make it even happier.

I feel like I made a small shift in emotion today after I laughed out loud at the movies.
I thought about how optimistic we both always are/were.

Right now, that emotion is the only thing that keeps the rippling shock waves of pain generated from your death from swallowing me whole.

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