Sunday, May 20, 2007

Getting through the Weekend

Dear Dazzy,

The weekend-Saturday and Sunday. The last one before school is out for the year.
We had so many different plans, Dazzles-and you and I had heaps of time off coming our way; didn't we think we had it all, eh?
"Men Plan, and the Fates laugh," so the saying goes.


In my mundane attempts to keep sane and fill my time, you would have been proud of me honey-today I washed and waxed my car, put oil and washer fluid in the proper places,btrimmed the shrubs and tended the garden, and got out of the house to boot.

Saturday I went to dinner with Kim, a very talented writer who just does not believe in herself like she should. She is funny and witty and I am glad she got to meet you, honey. We went to Genroku and yakked the night away. It was good therapy for all concerned.

The funny part was the kids calling ME on your cell-phone looking for me because it was after 12, LOL, Ah, those full circle role-reversal moments are the best!

Sunday I was up early, read the paper, talked to Trish and Kath USA-both for hours.
I don't need a shrink as long as I have a hand-held communication device.
Conclusion after all my phone therapy: Life is NOT fair, it sucks that you were the one that passed on when there are any number of worthless idiots walking the globe that should have gone instead, and I miss you so much-physically, spiritually, emotionally-that it breaks my heart every second of every day that I am awake.

That's not to say I cannot put that pain somewhere and deal with it-I do that a bit more now. The hard day for me is still Friday; I suspect it will be that way for a very long time, if not the rest of my life.

With the kids home now, it's better. Lots of hustle and bustle. They helped out heaps today honey, you would have loved it! I know sometimes you had some doubts about their altruisms, lol, but they are taking care of me. Not as wonderfully as you did, but still pretty well.Sometime I wonder who is going to look after me when I am sick and its winter and all I want is a bit of "chockie" and there is none in the house.
You would make me a perfect cuppatea and soup as soon as you got home from work; you'd bring me funny get well cards signed by the dog(!) and heaps of gaudy supermarket flowers :P
I will honestly miss that stuff, Dazzy.

I looked over the pix that your brother brought with him for me.
I see this beautiful baby, a cheeky little boy, a heart-throb young teen and an exquisitely handsome 20-something staring back at me from the pages.

I look at this one particular photo of you, all 21 years old if that, in a button down shirt and your favorite tie- which is still hanging in your closet, BTW- knowing first hand how pretty those green eyes are, how soft your lips are when you kiss me, how great you smell...and I laugh because you are sticking your tongue out at the camera. I know it must be Andrew taking the shot, and I can hear him giving you the what-for, LOL, while he snaps it.

Oh God, I love you Dazzy. You brought me laughter every day, and today is no exception, even though I am laughing through my broken-hearted tears.

How I ache to have known you longer, earlier, in a time frame when we could have hit the nightspots and danced/drank/partied like there was no tomorrow before settling down to have a family. I know how much fun you are/were babe, and I can only IMAGINE the trouble we would have gotten into had we hooked up earlier in life. That makes me smile.

We would have probably had a six-pack of kids and twice that number of animals. In my mind's eye I can see our entire time line, from first kiss to last goodbye. Only my time line lasts a whole lot longer than what you were given, sweetheart. Decades longer.

Or, as you would say, for yonks!
It's midnight and I am off to attempt the dance of restful sleep and happy dreams.

Wish me luck.

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