Tuesday, May 22, 2007

Mom, Daz, and pots of tea...

Dear Dazzy,

Only two more days to get up early this school year-woohoo!
It's been quite a learning curve for me, 2007.
Not sure I want to learn all I have to here, fostered on me by your passing, but since I have no choice, I am willing myself to be open to the change and embrace my grief.

I don't want to be numb to it, I want to feel it-every last horrible molecule of sadness.
Once I can do that, I will be able to focus on what lies ahead instead of what lies behind me.

Or so I tell myself.

Today after school we had a meeting honoring some people who are going to retire.
Principal starts out with how GREAT this past year has been, etc. Goes on to say GREAT and Year in the same sentence a few too many times....and yeah I lost it. Had to get up, leave, and go cry in the car as I drove home.

People ask how I am doing and some days now I am OK and can talk, and some days I cry before they finish their rhetorical greeting.
I surfed a few grief sites today, but thought I just do not identify with those people-they seem so sick with grief, that they are paralyzed life-wise. Maybe I am just still in denial.

Maybe that's not a bad place to be?

I don't want to be one of those people who stare at the closed door for so long that they fail to see the light coming in through the window. It's not about erasing my memories of you/us/our amazing life; it's more like storing them in a place so that I can access them when I want to, not when they feel like rearing their heads and taunting my soul.

Today marks nine years since my Mom passed away. I have this weird vision of the two of you sharing a cuppa and talking about moi, LOL, and that makes me smile for half a second.

The rest of the day is just flat. I miss your arms around me , Dazzy.
I think I might miss that the most, if I had to pick just one thing.
Of course, I couldn't pick just one-you always made me feel so loved and wanted in so many little ways.

Stupid Jerry Jones was on TV tonight touting how Dallas picked up the Super Bowl for 2011. Man, you would be pissed off if you knew you were going to miss that! I am glad you don't have a clue.
The Aussie , loving the Dallas Cowboys-see? You liked TX even before you liked me.

The promise of summer is a month away.
The promise of a new day is a few hours away.
The promise of my missing you and your love is constant.

I will not, however, let my life become stagnant. Eventually I will find joy in living again, and I will make both us proud with my accomplishments, honey.

I Promise.

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