Thursday, May 24, 2007

Another school year comes to a close

Dear Dazzy,

Wow. The end of the 2007 school year is only a few short hours away! Ahhh sleep and writing await me...
I am tired today because my oldester JackRussel/Beagle, Ranger, has has a rough night. Usually it's me that can't sleep. Now it's the dog. One day we will get it all worked out.

I am worried about Rangie, though; my 14 yr-old pooch is developing maladies left and right.
It's off to the vet for us this weekend, and hopefully they will give him something for what I am sure is arthritis. Poor pooch. Poor us! He has been my third kid for fourteen years now, LOL.

I don't want to have another loss just right now. Honestly.

Yesterday was another day wherein I cried only once. It was on the way home, and I had the convertible top down since it was such a pretty afternoon. I had packed up most of my personal things from my classroom, among them a card that Daz had given me at the begining of the school year. It was right after I got hired, and I got my first teaching job after graduation.
He was so proud of me!

The card was a black and white photo of a ladder in the clouds with the quote, "The ladder of success was put together rung by rung, and at last the dreamer began to climb..." and he signed it "Love and kisses, Daz, aka Hubby" and remarked on how, " ____ school has a helluva great new teacher!"

Sadly, the card must have flown out of the car as I was driving. It was on the back seat with a bunch of other stuff and in the all the years I have been driving this convertible I have never had a problem with items zipping over the edge.

I cried when I realized the card was not there . Rush hour traffic prevented me from going back to look for it, but today at lunch I will .

I am sure I won't find it, but it would be grand if I did. I'd like to frame it and keep it in my classroom always. Just like I wish I could have had Dazzy for always.

It is slowly-very slowly-sinking in that my soulmate is gone. I am not sure what life path I should/would/will take now. It's all so different than the way I thought it would be. Damn.

I talked with Mr. P last night, and Andrw , and KathUSA. I will be filling my dancecard with many lunches, movies, gardening talks and cryfests with others who have been in my shoes. It will fill my time, but it will never fill my soul the way Dazzy used to. Never.

In time I hope to have a sense of calm or peace or whatever about life. I can feel me inching toward that goal, which I will believe is a positive step in my grieveing. Hopefully it will continue.

In moving things around at the house, I am concious of not wanting to erase the feel of Dazzy in the rooms. I feel loved in that house, but we never planned to live in it forever, so that's a good thing. I know I will be able to move on when the time comes. Of course time is both my ally and my enemy these days.

I miss the man that used to tell me he would always make my life interesting. I miss the electricty he gave off, the way small kids and animals gravitated towards him, his gravely, morning time bass-register voice, but most of all his twisted sense of humor.

Larrikin. :)

Bloody Bastard. : +) said with the Aussie meaning behind it :P

I love you, honey.

For all that you gave me and all the you continue to inspire in me.

Kisses, Wifey

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