May 8th, 2007

Dear Dazzy:

Ok, check BLOG off my to-do list-you know, that never ending one, the list I add to on Sunday nights, when the promise of a new week lays before us like fresh snow at midnight, before even one creature has imprinted itself onto any of the chrystallized water droplets blanketing the hibernating grass. You know me- I gotta have a purpose, a resaon, an assignment to write.

I know you are proud of the fact that I put this together without your help-I am sure you are laughing, amazed that I would foray into the cpu territory without you.

My list of what to do in the house has gotten resonably shorter; I will just not be able to do everything we planned because it will be so sad to do it myself. I know we never planned to live in this house forever; I think maybe after the kids graduate that I may move on. I am not sure right now-it doesn't seem to make any bit of difference. The sun will still shine and the birds will still sing and life will go on no matter what. I am pretty pissed off right now that they do exactly that. Maybe that realization will fill my life with good things one day. I don't have much, but I do have a sliver of hope that one day I will come to grips with what has happened, but on the other hand, I am not so sure.

I haven't slept well at all, and would pay good money for a full eight hours of non-alcoholic induced sleep. I miss your snoring, honey; it was always a reassuring-if sometimes annoying-sound. I miss talking to you , lying in bed in the dark, touching on subjects from whether or not the dog is running out of food to the meaning of life itself. I miss the physicality of you, all brawny and able to reach everything on the top shelves of any cabinet. I miss hearing that Aussie accent; the way you said "G'day, Princess!" with kangaroo-like bounciness and "cuppatealuv?" as all one word. Damn. This is going to be harder than I ever imagined.