Wednesday, May 09, 2007

May 9 2007

Dear Dazzy,
Hi honey, I talked with Andrew, KathUSA, and the kids tonight-they all know how hard the arvos are for me so they call and keep me talking. What comes up time and again is how we were meant to be; how our romance was so great, how kind we were to each other. Yep. It's all true. I knew I loved you when I saw you walk through the airport gate towards me on September 20, 2000. Your swagger was so Aussie, LOL, and that grin! Such a Libra :)
When you wrapped your arms around me I knew instantly that it would be hard to let you go back home to Oz, and I thought my heart would break just imagining it.

I never knew what real heartbreak was, honey, until your death.

Death.

What an awful word.

I still inhabit that nether-region of making believe that life is just fine and that you are just out-of-town on a business trip and will be home by the weekend.

I am not sure what propels me through the void of my dull, sad , sorrowful days.

I cry when I get up because you are not there; I cry in the middle of the day because I know I can't call you and you won't be calling or e-mailing me; then there is the dreaded ride home to my quiet, empty house.

Driving home brings a flurry of emotions, almost all unwanted.
I am happy to be done with work, and ready to pet the dog and read the paper.
On the other hand, I HATE making dinner for one.

Hate it, hate it, hate it!

The night opens before me like an incorrectly folded road map. It looks OK, but the lines don't match up. Some of the streets are familiar, yet the roadsigns are sorely lacking. It beckons me on a journey I don't want to take but am forced into. In the end it sucks my emotions dry.

Everyone who knows me-and you knew me best, my sweet Aussie man- knows how I hate to wait. I feel like I am waiting for nothing now; not like when you and I had phone call times, calendar countdowns of when we could next be together, when our wedding would be, and all that fun stuff.
I do not know what I am waiting for, yet I have the anxiety of waiting all around me.
I would love to dream about you. I haven't had a dream, asleep or awake, since you left this earth without me.

This is so hard, honey. Really hard yakka, as you would have said.

I miss you.
I love you.
I wish to heaven and back that you were still here :(

1 comment:

To India, With Love, said...

I love the title of your blog, because what you Daz shared is truly amazing ..and there's no "was" about it. He's with you for always, just as he promised you he would be on your wedding day.

You know I love you heaps, S...

And you too ...Bloody Daryl!!

P.S ... good luck with that cellphone!