Thursday, May 10, 2007

May 10 2007

Dear Dazzy,
You know how paperwork is usually my forte, but the stuff I have to do now just sucks.

Today was the title company-I was so sad to have to file papers to have your name removed from the title of our lil "MelYork Estate." I asked if they could just keep you on, in parenthesis, and I know the woman thought I was certifiable. I told her that everywhere I turn, people are trying to erase you from my life...ok its on paper but it is still such an indignity. Like I don't have enough to cry about!
I got through it though. Cynthia and Nancy came with me, and signed/witnessed everything. I had to PAY for this privilege as well-300 bucks!!!

300 dollars to erase your name from the place you worked so hard for. Jeeze. Honey I am so sorry about having to do it; it made my skin crawl, but in the legal world-where there are no emotions-it had to be.

I remember when we first drove past this house on our way to another with the real estate agent,and we noticed the new for sale sign.
I said, " I think it will be out of our price range, honey, it looks so well kept, lol..."
You, being the Aussie larrikan that you are/were ( wtf do I type there huh?), told the agent that we wanted to see this other home as ASAP since we were in the neighborhood.

She hemmed and hawed a bit, but you insisted, and she hopped to it :)

Of course when we walked in-even though the striped bathroom wallpaper was freaky and the carpet was older than me-we suddenly looked at each other when we hit the family room and whispered how much we both liked the place...even though we STILL didn't know how much it was!

Lucky for us, we could negotiate with the sellers, and we moved in on my birthday just about two years ago. You named it-MelYork ( for Melbourne and New York)Estate.
I liked the estate part-always a fun word to use when talking about a suburban ranch house. :P

We have renovated every weekend since; really just cosmetic stuff-we are both "house proud" as you would say-and until the day came that separated us physically I have loved every second here in ole MelYork. Our house . Our home.

Actually, in a strange way, I still love coming home. It comforts me to know that your final breaths were taken in a place that has your artistic touch in every room; that you were in your fave part of the house-the den,the room with all the windows that look out onto the green backyard with our bird feeders and potted plants, with that giant-ass TV that can no doubt be seen from space and with your beloved dog, Ranger at your side.

I just wish you were still here, punkin'. We all do.
Every single second that I am awake I wish it with all my being.

I couldn't sleep last night at all. I finally nodded off at about 3AM, then was up at 6AM for work etc. The TV freakishly turned itself off in the middle of it all-but I wasn't scared, really. I know it's you :)

Today was awful. The crying jags just drain me, and if I could afford it I would buy a live-in masseuse. I know it had to do with the house title stuff. :( And of course, another Friday looms. I count by Fridays now. Three weeks ago, we were walking in the park after dinner and making weekend plans. Three weeks. Life is just not fair, is it.

I have no idea how long this test-pattern flatness will fill my soul.
I only know that every morning brings another day to get through, and every night I think about how I am one day closer to seeing you again honey. One day closer. That is a weird kinda comfort, eh?

Ashley will be home tomorrow, and Mikey on Saturday. It's Mother's day this weekend, and I love how they are schlepping back to take care of me. You'd be proud, honey; you helped teach them well about taking care of me.

Too bad that NO ONE can make me a cuppa like you did, sweets. Not even close!

We will attempt to finish that garden you and I had started. We are making it into a memorial garden for you, Dazzles, complete with squirrel statue( a small concrete one) fountain( yes, maybe even the lion's head one you had already picked out) and the trellis we were going to will be my first big wood project to do alone.

Send me some good circular-saw vibes babe!

Love you heaps,my Aussie hubby. Always.

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