Thursday, June 21, 2007

Black Cat Visit

Dear Dazzy,

Can we talk?
Let me tell you how pissed off I am at all the frigging PAPERWORK you have generated since you sadly left us two months ago!

If I have to get on the phone, fill out another form , mail another package, or prove that you are not here anymore -via the lovely and oh-so-pleasant to read death certificate- to yet one more person who doesn't really give a rat's arse about you and your life I will scream until I am hoarse!

I am hopefully nearing the end of it all. The house in Box Hill will be the last thing I'll have to deal with. That cute lil place, with your glow-in-the dark stars all over the bedroom ceiling, LOL

The bedroom where we giddily decided that we wanted to be married, so we could be together forever. The bedroom where we returned to snuggle up each night that I was in Oz, on chilly and damp nights in Junes and Julys, until you moved to the States.

I loved the house when I first saw it , even it it was in need of some TLC.
You were so proud of it and all the hard work you put into it!

It's the place we were going to retire to many years from now.

I just could see us, sitting on the back verandah, reading the paper, having our tea-expertly made by you. of course-listening to the very noisy birds and planning our day as two old farts with nothing but time and heaps of love to share with others.

I am not sure if that is still in the cards for me or not.

I don't think I could live there, not after all the promise that that house held. It's hard enough living in this place, with all our touches and hard work evident. With our room and our bed and our things-it's a bit much at times. Other times it is a comfort, being surrounded by all of our things, all of our projects, all of our love.

We always knew that TX would not be our last stop, however, so while I am attached to this place I also know I will not live here forever.

On the other hand, leaving this place will be horrendous.

It will be leaving our life behind as I knew it.
It is the last place we were ever together, the last place we kissed, the last place we bitched about some stupid slight the other took umbrage to.

The last place we were together. It makes me sick to type the words.
It hurts my brain to think in that direction, so I attempt to dissuade it.

I scurry to keep busy enough that I cannot think too hard. I went to Home Depot twice, the grocery store for milk, the mail place to fax reams of stuff to Oz-46 bucks worth thanks (!) and then on to walk at 9.

In between I worked on the computer, read the paper, talked with people who call to see how I am doing. I made dinner and cleaned up and cut the framing trim for the now-finished off hole in the kitchen wall. I listened to a CD, went through another pack of your things, and cried.

I may have even brushed my teeth at some point.

It's all a ruse. I know that nothing matters except connections to others, and right now I have lost my most significant other.

It hurts.

I hate it.

I want it to go away.

I did have a bright spot today, however. A big black cat-with gorgeous hazel/green eyes, just like yours, babe-came and sat outside our bedroom window this morning while I was on the phone and folding laundry. I turned and looked and there it was, just siting, staring, swishing its tail in slow motion. He was cute, and very determined that I see him. When we made eye contact, he meowed, then turned and trotted away.

I decided it was really you, babe, just checking in on me,and that made me smile.

Am I crazy? Probably. But "No worries, mate-she'll be riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight..."

G'night babe.
Kisses, Wifey...

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