Sunday, June 24, 2007

Books and Grief

Dear Dazzy,

Hard to believe I can still breathe after yesterday, honey.
It was one of my worst days. I wanted to look at our wedding photos, listen to our music, write about our love. I failed at all three.
I bet it will continue to be like that for a very long time.

In the midst of life on Friday, however, I went to the bookstore-someone once said that a Gemini in a bookstore is like a puppy rolling in clover, and I agree-and I bought almost a shelf full of books about how to deal with this mind-numbing grief.

I'm open to most suggestions, ya know?

They all have kind of the same rhetoric-grief has stages, it is not linear, it takes time...but the one thing they don't address is how to find something positive as a result of your passing.

I simply don't see anything good that could come from it, honey.

I mean, what's the point of it ?

I guess people have been attempting to answer that one for eons.
I used to wonder about it a bit, but now that focus is so sharp it is blinding.

You know how driven I can be when faced with a challenge, when someone deceives me, when I am told NO.

It was a quality I saw in you as well babe-something else we shared:)

So, now I read about how to tame the grief monster; I also read about the how and why of heart attacks that happen to seemingly healthy people
( I could smack you -HARD-for still sneaking those cigarillos GRRRRRR) and finally I read through some of our old conversations on ICQ. It makes me both laugh and cry when I read them, all bad spelling and silly abbreviations and smileys :P

The grief stuff at least gives me a portal into how life could be for me this next year or fifty-accepting the loss, moving into life again, choosing a new path. Sigh. Too much to think about right now.

At least I know I have some reference material when I feel like making changes. Like the biggest change in my freaking life isn't enough.

If you could comment out loud, hubby, you would say, "Always a Teacher, eh luvvy?" Then you would go make me a cuppa, put it down in front of me, and tell me to get off the bloody computer, LOL

And I would! It would be way more fun to be talking to you than writing, unless I had a column and a deadline. Then, I would tell you to go watch COPS 'till I was finished. Or the history channel-I mean , one can never know too much about WWII now can one? :P
Oh yeah, and I can tell ya how that ends...:)

Just stirrin' the pot, honey. Hoping to dredge up some reason why I need to accept the loss of your being amongst us all. I mean, says who?

Sometimes, when I am fighting against logic, I think, "Why should I accept it?" I could just pretend that you are still in Oz, that we are waiting to visit again, that we have that countdown calendar going-then I realize how that would trivialize the memory of you, the memory of someone so warm and open and loving that you loomed bigger in our hearts than you did in your shoes.

Maybe some of this BS about grief is starting to sink in.

On a side note, I went bowling with Mikey today. He shot a 194 as his high game; you and I combined couldn't do that, LOL
You would have been signing sponsors for Mikey and designing shirts for his Wold Tour Bowling Expedition had you seen him throw that ball today :)
Mikey and I talked in the car coming home. You know the boy; my Mom didn't call him "Gary Cooper JR" for nothing( "yep. nope. yes ma'am" were pretty much all Mr. Cooper said in old westerns)

I asked him how often he thought about you.

He said, of course, every day; but he also said it was an OK thing.

I know he and Ash are missing you heaps-for that matter, who isn't?

But you will always be in our daily thoughts, babe. Always. In time I know we will smile as we remember, but right now your loved ones could end the drought in Oz with all our tears.

We love you Dazzles-
Kisses, Wifey

No comments: