Tuesday, June 26, 2007

Rain in TX and MEL, too!

Dear Dazzy,

Good news: rain has been falling BIG TIME in both TX and MEL.
It's like the earth is shedding tears for you honey, just like me.

Kath is here this week and we, of course, went to the movies- saw
"A Mighty Heart", about journalist Daniel Pearl's kidnapping and death.

I wasn't sure if this was a vehicle I wanted to watch, but I forged ahead
(I try and remember: what would Dazzy do? LOL) and it was decent. Disturbing, a bit too long, but I like the understory of their love for one another. They were crazy in love-sound like anyone else you know? :))

There is this one shot in the film when the character of Mariane is in a car, life swirling all around her, and as she looks out of the window, she imagines scenes from her and ner husband Danny's wedding. It's a juxtaposition of the real and the imaginary and I just cried and cried over how truthful that scene was. It is exactly how I feel these days- I go through the motions, but your absence is almost too much to bear.

Then I remember that I do not have a choice-and you would be so pissed off at me if I just gave in to all this sadness. So, honey, not surprisingly, even from beyond death you are helping me :) Wouldn't that be just like you?

On a side note, we went out to Mango Thai tonight . You'd have loved it. Great spring rolls, great crab. Great food. We took all the kids along with me and Kath. It was enjoyable in a small way.

I was wistful sitting there without you; I remembered the time when we all went for dim-sum in Box Hill when the whole wedding entourage was with us. Great food, friends and family, nothing could have been better.

I love the pix of us taken during that meal-both of us red-nosed, lol , from wine; you with a drink umbrella tucked behind your ear and the two of us sitting THISCLOSE.
I remember looking over at you as you held my hand under the table and thinking that even though it took a long time to find each other-I mean, we were not young lovers-you were very much worth the wait.

Waiting is all I do now.

I wait to feel "normal" again , I wait to hear from family and friends, I wait to move on. I hate waiting.

In the ultimate waiting game-life-I wait until we can see each other again. I have so many doubts about that, it saddens me more. I hope I will be wrong about my ideas. Wouldn't be the first time eh babe?

Driving home , listening to the rain beat patterns of sound onto the convertible's roof, I could only think about how eerie it was to go out to dinner and not have you near me.

This is what I face on a daily basis, and it nothing short of terrifying.

But then I think about women like Mariane Pearl, and the resiliency she has shown the world-and herself-and I think I want to be more like that. More capable, more knowing, more at peace with oneself.

I bet she hates being called brave, strong, amazing. I know I do.
When well-meaning people tell me how strong I am, or say that they look up to me-ME-I want to ask them, " How much crack have you been smoking ?"

I don't want to be brave.
I don't want to be strong.
I don't want to be amazing.

I just want to be your wife.
Just like Mariane Pearl just wanted to go on being Daniel's wife.

Wife, not widow.

Did you know that besides the regular definitions of the word "widow", it is also a short line at the bottom of a page, column, or paragraph?

I just figured out that I have been using "widows" in all my blog postings.

I am not sure if that is good-like I am accepting it all-or bad, as in I am accepting it all...

I guess we are due for more emotional rain in TX and MEL.

Night honey. I love you. Always.
Kisses, Wifey

1 comment:

Phyllis S said...

I got that "We're so proud of you and how strong you've been" comment. Pissed me off royally. This was at a work-related conference just a few months after my husband died--like I was going to show up there boo-hooing.

Sweet, sweet post.