Lonely

Dear Dazzy,

I hate Saturday nights.
They suck since you are gone.
I have been busy for two weeks with the house renos stuff, and there is ALWAYS laundry/food shopping/chores etc to do, and I am starting to make a list again of my ongoing projects that are "important," as defined by moi.

Then "Sat-day", as you would have said it, rears its ugly head.

We always made time for "us" on Saturday nights.

Even if it was just grabbing a coffee after doing some house project-our fave thing to do- we would sit and talk; not just the easy stuff like, "What's up at work" or "How's your Mum" kinda thing, but real issues-about life, love, rights and obligations, personal responsibility, and anything in the news, big or small. We talked Footy and baseball and how pinball was so cool when we were teens and how we both loved Star Trek and science stuff and...well you know , honey.
We were so much more than lovers, we were friends. Good ones at that!

I miss going out with my friend named Dazzy :(

I have a few younger, single friends who are dating, so I can't go out with them. I know very few people in my circumstance; quite frankly the thought of hanging around with a bunch of depressed younger widows is more than I could bear.

I do have Kath-USA, but she is in Austin :(

Our Oz friends are great, but like Kath they are far away
( OK a bit farther than Kath but the point is they are all not close by)

So here I am on a weekend night, lonely for you honey. Wishing I could have coffee and conversation with you again and again, like we had planned on doing forever.

I had an OK few days this week, but tonight is not one of them.
The grief roller coaster dips yet again, eh?
Grief is so weird.
Completely illogical. We avoid it like the plague, yet everyone will go through it in their lives...at least once.

Some more than that.

It's all so very sad, babe.

It's very simple to fix all these Saturday night problems. We just need you back. Back in my arms, back in your house, back in our lives; damn-it-all-to-hell-and-back!

I know that no matter what my life may bring me, in however much time I will roam this earth for, I will never be as happy as when you were here with me.

I think that realization is as sad as your actual death.

To know that I will not have you to love in the flesh; that the kids will not have you as their Dad as they make their way through graduations and marriages and work and all those other aspects of life- that you will not grow old with me-to me that is proof that there is no supreme being, no fate, no destiny.

It's all just one huge cosmic crap shoot.

Sadly, we all lost to the house on this one, babe.

I am cried out now, and the dog is annoyed that I am still up-he wants to go to sleep :)
So I will make him happy and head-butt him once for ya. give him a treat, and then let him stretch out in the middle of the bed.

He still leaves room for you, ya know.

Night honey. Love you always.

Kisses, Wifey