Tuesday, June 05, 2007

Mood shifts and computer issues

Dear Dazzy,

Well, we have had RAIN, RAIN, and more RAIN-the lawn looks great but we are so over the cool aspect of thunderstorms right now. I remember how you used to love to go out on the front porch and watch the TX lightning storms... They are amazing to see, and you thought them totally "grouse", that leftover seventies word that you used still every once in a while. :)

We are all going through the motions here honey, and are still reeling from your sudden departure. I know time is supposed to help, but I think the amount of time I will need to be OK with this and the amount of whatever time I have left on this planet will somehow not coincide.

Everything reminds me of you, sweetheart-everything. From your fave things at the grocery store to having my vegemite on toast for breaky, it's all one huge memory of the life we lived together. I remember you said you loved me "even more" because I really DO like vegemite on toast with cheese! :P

I don't cry over all of it every day. It comes in bits and pieces. Some days I can handle listening to music-you know that is one of my passions, as it was yours-and some days the floodgates open and BAM I am transported to a time and place with sounds and smells and emotions that just take over my soul.

I found a CD labeled "Daz Trance Music," LOL, and I popped it into the player in the bedroom while I went through some stuff the other day- and it totally reminded me of your first visit to TX.

We had put some dance stuff on and we were getting ready to go out on the town for your Birthday. We were off to see "Phantom of the Opera" at the Music Hall. You brought your tux with you, and I wore a great black dress. We were both thinner, LOL, and we thought we looked great as a couple. You took heaps of photos-a foreshadowing of things to come. You always had that damn camera ready to go. We all griped about that but secretly we loved the fact that you wanted to capture all of these memories. I am so glad now that you did!

You had a fit because I was running a bit late :P

It was a fab show, we had drinks on the patio at intermission and just enjoyed each others company. I didn't let myself think about out three week time frame, or that you would have to go home at the end of those three weeks; I just enjoyed our night to the hilt. You had a very romantic side that I got to see in person back then-and I loved you even more for that if that's possible.

We had a relationship built on trust as well as love, with a good dose of mutual respect thrown in as well. The great kissing was a bonus! :)

Ash is having a bit of a delayed reaction to all of this, I am afraid. She's having a hard time sleeping, etc. Dr. said it'a all part of the BS that comes with losing a Dad, no matter what the kid's age. The kids really looked up to you and enjoyed their one-on-one time with you Dazzy. Sometimes I think they were the parent, LOL, but they loved you with all their hearts.
You were agreat Dad, even with the learning curve you had to work with.

I was always happy to have found a man that loved me, but I was over the moon that you took the twins into your heart as well. For that alone, I will be forever greatful to you, honey.

You rock!

Kath(USA Kath that is) is visiting soon; that will be fun, dare I say it. We will go to yoga and movies and eat out and cry over you in the small hours of the night. Everyone misses you, Dazzles. Even the dog still sits and waits by the back door at 7:00 thinking surely your busio trip has been long enough and you will come strolling in that door saying "G'Day Gorgeous!" and petting that pooch as he runs into you...

I guess in the end, all we really have are our memories to sustain us through the heartache of life. One of your fave movies of all time is "Life is Beautiful." Just the title alone says volumes about you. It was your philosophy, the way you made your way through the labyrinth of experiences that makes us who we are. Whlie you were not perfect-none of us are, eh?-you were perfect for me, the twins, and your friends.

We feel your presence sometimes at odd moments-mostly when something electronical is freaking out or a cpu issue comes up. We just always relied on you to take care of all of that crap, lol, and now we just look at each other and say very tongue-in-cheek, "Bloody Daryl! Why isn't he here to fix this?!"

This week will be full-I'll see Kath; Rick is coming to finish up the kithcen renos we had started-since my demo partner is gone, I had to have some help with this stuff, babe-Mikey's band plays on Friday night and I still have lots of paperwork to file and toss.

I am sitting at your desk as I type this today. We have moved your moniters and put my little flat-screen up and I have made a bit of headway in regard to your computer graphics .

It doesn't feel right , but I know I had to do it. I guess I will get used to the changes in time.

Time. Quite the concept.

I hope there will be a time in the future when you and I will see each other again, but sadly I am more doubtful of that as my friend time goes by. Six weeks have wizzed past since I came home to find that all of our plans, our future, our joy in experiencing everything that life had to offer together was gone.

Usually I write these at night, but this morning felt like a good time to pour out some of my tears. so here I am . I know you knew I loved you, honey. I hope you knew how deep that sentiment went. I think you did, and that comforts me.

Maybe today will be better. Maybe.

Love you, Dazzles-always.

Kisses, Wifey

No comments: