Saturday, June 02, 2007


Dear Dazzy,

Well, it's here-June, that is.

Father's Day in two weeks.
Our fifth wedding anniversary on the 23rd.


I feel like screaming.

Honey, how am I going to live through these days? It is sad on a scale I could never before imagine. I feel like pieces of my soul are just shriveling up and withering away; I spend endless days doing those stupid household chores while I invent time-fillers to get from one sleep to the next.

At least I can sleep-there's a plus, eh? That fills a good eight hours of every day now.

The past few days have been interesting to say the least. The other night, when Smash and I came in from our nightly walk-the one you and I used to do, babe-we noticed the outside light GLOWING; just pulsing in and out of phase. WEIRD! Then we tried to turn the light off, even with the switch in the off position, it still glowed, LOL

All the circuit/flow/whatever was disrupted on the wall that our bedroom shares with the hallway.

I blame you, :P, Dazzles...

I called the elecrician at 11 PM and left a message; I had a very hard time sleeping because I was freaked out about the house burning down as we all slept. Then I remembered that I never faxed our old insurance info to the PISD and I just lost it.

It was an intense night.

Of course the electrican came and fixed the outlet that was screwing everything up; I faxed the info to the necessary people and had coverage again, and handled all the banking stuff that I had to do with your buddy Wilson. I only cried when I left your old office at the bank. I think I did pretty well.

It was a full day already and it was only 12 o'clock!

I got home and Rick and Nancy were there to scope out the finishing of the kitchen and bath renos. We had most of it done so it's very reasonable, they will be here next Wednesday to
put in floors and finish the cutout between the den/kitchen.

They will also be doing our bath-just like you wanted, honey. Tile and a new tub will make it look great. I am so sorry that you won't be here to see it; I am sorry that we won't be tackling the job together, and I am most sorry-every single second of every single day-that we will not flop into bed exhausted from the reno work but happy with the outcome, telling each other how happy we are that THAT job is finished, and asking what are we going to tackle next?

Fridays still suck for me. Driving home this past week I was pushing radio stations and Men at Work came on-"I Come From The Land Downunder." Jeez. I instantly burst into tears( I think I could be a good actress now-all I have to do for a crying scene is think of you, honey) and cried so hard I was nearly sick. Goddamn. I cursed god-and you know how I feel about that one-because I was so pissed off. Then I think of all the people in the world, in the universe, that are going through separations like we are-one living, one not. I am begining to doubt the existance of an afterlife, and that saddens me all over again.

To think that I will really never see you again, that all I have are memories and photographs-and some really cool caps :)- well that is wrong on so many level I don't know where to delve in.

So, I won't. I will plant in the garden today, go to a movie, eat some pre-made food and walk the dog. I will also encourage myself to rage against the monotony of a life that is lived singly.

Part of me says that's the way out of this pit; this lonely spot that used to be filled with your infectious laughter, your crazy ideas, your love for life. And for me.

June. A month I used to wait paitiently for-all my trips to Aussie started in June-so I could be with you. Now it's a month that will always mark our wedding anniversay, but now that day will forever be the saddest of my entire year.

I 'm crying this morning, honey. I am so sorry you are not here. I love you and miss you babe.
This is so very hard to do. There just cannot be a god that could allow anyone-not just me-to suffer the loss of loved ones like this. It's just not right.

I love you, Big D. Always.

Kisses, Wifey

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