Sunday, September 30, 2007

Mediums, Mates and More

Dear Dazzy,

WOW! What a weekend! Mediums, Parties, Grand Finals, -woohoo!

First of all, I took Friday off-your birthday-because I just didn't trust myself at work that day.
Turns out I was a bit nostalgic, and it was good I stayed home. I rearranged a few photos of us and changed a few things around and our new chairs came for the living room right on time in the late arvo. I hope you like 'em babe :P

Friday was also the night I had the contact from the medium/psychic/whatever you want to call this person.
I know, I know, I usually don't buy into this curiosity had gotten the better of me months ago when I had made the appointment in the first place.
Then they changed the time and date, and moved me up from OCT 5 to Sept 25. I wasn't complaining; then I got a call that they had to reschedule me again-this time to September 28. At 7.
Your birth date/time/etc.

That gave me goosebumps, honey. Of course I said OK to the change.


The first thing we went over was me-easy enough, she had my date of birth, so it was like not unlike an astrology type reading. You know, I am a natural teacher, I love books, I have to make myself heard-LOL-blah blah blah.

So far, so average.

The she talked about my Dad-who is pretty sick, as you know-and she said that my Mom was talking about my Dad. HMMM, no love lost there; I am not sure Mommy would care about Dad one way or the other right now, LOL, but maybe on the other side all is forgiven.

She then started to talk about life and death and me and you and used the analogy of a baseball diamond-pretty cool, since I was a two-year undefeated pitcher when I was in my teens-and you were a sports geek too,Mr Tennis and Footy and Netball, so that was pretty sharp.

As she was explaining things, though, she told me you had "burst throughgh"
and you were being "very impatient" and just HAD to tell me something-
"Tell her", she said you demanded of her,
" That I am not missing anything-I am there..."

Now that freaked me out. I had JUST been on the phone to Andrew the day before and we were lamenting over what you wouldn't be here for-besides all the myriad of day to day things, of course, that truly make up the happiness in one's life:

The Grand Finals from here on out.
The Kids College Graduation.
Your promotions at work, and the Champions Group stuff.
The Eastern Freeway opening by OUR house in Box Hill.
Shows, Plays, etc that Andrew is involved with.
Retiring with me in OZ....and etc.

I said those exact words-"Look at all he will miss! I am sad for that too, as much as we miss him, it's just not fair to him-" so when she said that, it made my neck hair stand up a bit and I burst into tears.

She went on to say that you try and reach me through music-and isn't that the hardest thing I still have to work on? I cannot food shop for more than 15 mins at a time still because all I ever hear is the sappy love song shit that every supermarket in the USA plays. Jeeze!

We both were sentimental fools for music. I don't know if I will ever be able to listen to that CD set you made me years ago - the 100 Greatest Love Songs. It was my first Valentine's Day pressie when we were newly married. If I want to lose a few pounds I am sure I could listen to that compilation and I could cry it off!

This is so hard honey. So unfair. I sit here after a decent weekend, one that saw friends and family and all this fun stuff, and I am crying my heart out still. STILL!
I have no idea how to keep living a life that does not include YOU, Dazzy.
No bloody idea.
If there is a god somewhere I hate him/her/it right now.
Big Time.

So her gist was, of course, that you are gone, and yes you and I were total and complete soul mates but in order to honor your life I had to enjoy living mine.

Well, any ideas about how to actually DO that would be greatly appreciated, honey-feel free to drop me, oh, say, an email or something and let me know what you think

She then said she picked up on something big happening-a gathering-and I figured that could be the Grand Final( yes I watched on the computer; only made the first quarter though, thought, it was just too sad to have the footy on without you next to me, honey)
or -
the DFW area Aussies. They came over yesterday and we had this really fun, really relaxed day. Twenty or so people showed up at 2 and stayed 'till 12. It was a hoot! Great food( Vanilla Slices and sausage rolls and lollies from OZ brought back from people just returning to DFW) and great company.
Just what this house needed...lots of Aussie accents and VB in the fridge.
Mates. It was grand.

Only thing missing of course was you, babe. I was aware of it but didn't cry at all.
I saved that for tonight, I guess.
It gets to me when the kids go back up to college after being here on the weekend; they wash your car-and we still think of it as your Camaro, honey-and help me around the house, we walk the dogs and talk and enjoy each other's company.

They they have to leave.

And so on Sunday nights I get my stuff ready for school and finish my laundry and maybe watch a little TV and call a friend or two and yak. It's a lonely reminder that not only are you gone, but the kids are going on to lead adult lives as well. I went from a house full of noisy love and laughter to mostly quiet nights with two crazy and silly dogs.


It's always there, like a shadow that dances around you according to the time of day/night, but never leaves.

It's the only constant in the universe.

Quite a good paradox, eh? And an oxymoron as well.

No matter how you look at it, it will affect everyone and everything.
Well sometimes change just sucks. And then some.

Well, on a more positive note, I have started on you life story, honey-a book that I will be writing out of love and respect and remembrance. I have an outline, and people are sending me info/stories/etc. It will take a while but it will be worthy of you in the end.

Love you, Dazzy. Even if you talk to a medium instead of directly to me(!), and want me to life a full on life without you next to me. Your love made me, well, whole.
I thank you for that , my love. Always.

Kisses, Wifey.

1 comment:

Tanya said...

Sue, I want to help, I want to share your pain or take it away completely! Daz IS here, he is right next to you, it's still ok to grieve but please look around you, cry your heart out when you need too. Play those love songs sweety, they were made for you and you only, it won't hurt forever. The aching heart will become tolerable, it won't ever disappear, but you don't want it to Sue, that is the part of your heart that Daz stole and the ache is a reminder that he is still with you.

Just who do you think put the thought in your head to have a bunch od Aussies around? It was Daz! Of course it was Daz! He was with us, and if circumstances were different he would have been laughing and chatting with us! On Grand final day - his passion! That isn't co-indence mate, that is the love of your life organising a gathering on a hard day for you.

Start accepting he is around you sweetheart and all the things that happen now will make sense. I hope you start hearing him mate, I hear my dad and my grandma all the time, just when I need them - but you have to accept it.

Your blog is brilliant Sue, but talk to him every day, out loud, I honestly believe he is listening! Remember - he isn't missing a thing - he said he was right there with you!

I am so very proud of you Sue and think the world of you!