Sunday, September 16, 2007

Weekend Stuff

Dear Dazzy,

Lots going on here this weekend-I have all those crazy Aussies coming on the 29th and it has given me good incentive to get the lil things around here done once and for all...
Like a new screen door and more ceilings painted and shrub trimming and all that jazz.

You know how this time of year you and I would be scouting for cool Halloween decor, babe?
Well, Mikey came down this weekend to help me with all this house nonsense and in your honor we went to Wally-World at ten o'clock Saturday night.

LOL, just like you and I would have done!

We walked in, and went to the curtains-I needed another pair of those blue silk ones that we bought last year-and of course, what do we see but Halloween Heaven.

Rows and rows of things you never thought you ever needed to celebrate a ritual that is Pagan in design but in actuality is nothing more than blatent consumerism. Doesn;t matter-you loved the whol Halloween experience!

Mikey and I both spied the blow-up skeleton in the treasure chest at the same time; making eye contact we started to laugh, knowing we were thinking the very same thing-if you had been with us, sweets, that thing would have been coming home with us. ARGGGGGG, matey!

I don't have the heart to do the place up at Halloween this year-maybe a few pumpkins , or whatever, but not the spectacle that you put on-strobe lights, screaming door mats, cauldrons with fog machine mist-the works. Maybe next year I will be in a better place, emotionally, to do some of that. Not sure how that will go. We'll see, eh?

I had a good weekend-only a few tears today, after Mikey settled in to watch the Cowboys game, and I realized he was the only one on the couch besides the dogs-ouch. I am so used to seeing/HEARING you watch the games with him, LOL. It was eireely quiet. Another new normal to adjust our lives around. Another rip in my heart.

So now the house is quiet, Mikey's left, and the dogs are sleeping. The TV drones on, and I leave it on as it tapes stuff I'll watch later after my shower and all those night-before-work rituals that I have. I used to have you as back up, babe. Now, forget it. I HAVE to do it all-feels like when I was first divorced. That felt good, though, to be responsible for everything and somehow make it work more often than not. Now, I know I can do it all-that's a no-brainer. It's just that you always took such good care of me! I liked that a lot. :)

We truly were a team; we shared the home and work load really well, I think.
We jockeyed for position a bit, but once we found what worked for us it was like sailing on glass-smooth, calm, and reflective. You were quite the man, honey. Quite the man. Have I told you lately that I miss you like crazy?

I had a crazy dream that you were in -finally-and it had lots of weird fragments, like dreams do. You were talking to me through what seemed like a car showroom window-but the car on the outside of the glass, where you were, was my MOM'S old black Lark! It had an open door and an open trunk, and at first the setting seemed foggy, or snowy. I slowly realized, however, that it was unbelievably brilliant sunlight that was shining everywhere, from all angles. Bizarre, eh honey?

Do you remember me telling you about when my Mom died, how she had that dream about people pulling up to her in a black car and asj=ing her to get in? She told them no, but she had that dream more tahn a few times right at the end. I chalked it up to morphine. Now, I am not so sure-

Was it my Mom that was helping you in wherever you all have wound up?
I wish I could really ask you that question live, in person, you know.

Someday I will.

Not heaven vs. hell stuff, you know how I don't give that the time of day, but that next place that our souls go to-wherever that may be. It was a brief dream, but I have had a feeling of peace settle onto me since Friday night that I have not had since your dramatic physical exit from my life.
Bizarre reduex.

That peace enabled me to go through some of our older photos this afternoon, so I could chose a good one for the kitchen above the new shelf.

I put up a pic that is from AUS in 2002, right after our honeymoon.
All four of us-Mike, Smash, you and I-are hugging each other around the waists, goofing off at the entrance to the Royal Botanical Gardens in MEL. We all have silly faces as we face the camera( Kath must have taken the photo)and there is NO space between any of us-we are a four headed person, LOL

I remeber you saying, "C'Mon now, Team Daz, huddle up!" when we stopped for the shot.
I can hear your voice saying it now, clear as day.
(I'll always hear it , my sweet. Always.)

And huddle up we did. Shoulders touching, arms around waists and necks, it's not the best or most artsy piccie ever take of our family, but I love it just the same.

Team Daz, indeed.

We still think of ourselves as Team Daz, you know. We search for ways to keep your memory alive, and ways to help ourselves thorough the mourning process without erasing you and all you have done for us from our Earthly existance. It's hard, hard, work, that's for sure. But after nearly a full five months(!) we still keep at it, day after day.

So here's to more dreams and great fall weather and putting one foot in fron of the other, linking arms with one another, as Team Daz soliders on.
I hope you are proud of the way we are chosing to go on, honey, because it's not just for us- it's done in your memory, too.

I love you Dazzles. Always.
Kisses, Wifey.

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