Friday, September 14, 2007

Cooler Weather

Dear Dazzy,

I got to catch up with Kim tonight at Osaka-all the sushi I could snarf and good conversation to boot. We both have things to work through in our respective lives-and we are doing just that, no matter how hard or sad it may be. Ya know what babe? Women rock when it comes to perserverence. We really do.

It was amazing to realize that Kim and I had sat for three hours just yakking the night away-and trying a new drink. Neither one of us had ever had Sparkling Sake before, so we gave it a whirl-and we both really, really liked it! It would not have been your fave babe-it's kind of a girly drink-but that's OK. I raised my glass to you anyway.

As always, I am saddened by it being a Friday night without my love, my hubby, my man. It is still surreal not to come home after being out with friends and hear your booming, "Hey huuuuuuuuuuuuuuuney" or "Hi Wiiiiiiiiiiiiiiifey" followed by "Let's go get a coffee, ya wanna?" Of course I always said yes. Off we would go, Starbucks junkies on a late night adventure into each others hearts...

The week started out like true s**t but has now morphed into something more pleasant. I cried listening to people talk about the husbands and families and everyday life. I always feel like I want to say "OH I had that once too, please don't take what you have for granted," but I never can get the words out because I am choking back yet more tears. I wonder if a study has ever been done on the amount of tears a human can actually produce without becoming dehydrated. I am astounded that I have any sodium left in my body after all I have cried over you, honey.

Simply astounded.

Visiting the grief therapist is always good for me; not sure why-since I do all the emotional work, it's not like a surprise or anything that I am healing myself-but it works for me and for now that's good enough. My goal is to go until the dreaded one year mark; surely by then I will not have to deal with that crushing type of mourning and grief that threatens ones sanity.

I had that daily in the beginning; it has lessened throughout the summer, and now it eases itself lower into my soul every day. Like a basement that stores stacked, sagging cardboard boxes faded with time that hold family mementos, my soul is the repository for so much emotion from my losses that I cannot fathom where it all actually goes. About Derek, their Guardian Angel of an older brother. My Mom. And now, my sweet, you. My darling hubby-

Love really is an exponential thing now, isn't it?

"The love you equal to the love you make..." (Thank you Mr.'s McCartney and Lennon)

Hard to believe sometimes that I am the keeper of all those memeories. Of love and loss and life changes, good bad or otherwise. Of a life hopefully only HALF over, with many more opportunities for happiness right around the corner. Sadly, those opportunities are just out of my reach these days. You used to be the one that held me up high enough to reach them, Dazzy

Without you, babe, I am back to being just too goddamn short!

So this weekend Mikey is home to A) help paint ceilings and B) watch all the sports he can tune in to. He said he will watch the Cowboys play on Sunday with Rangie( and now Boom-Boom), just like you all used to do, and he and the dogs will "Channel Daz" while they nap on the couch at halftime.

That made me laugh because it was so true! Imagine the smoring; I can hear it now-

As the weather changes here in TX I long for those lazy Sundays in early fall, with the windows open, and you and Rangie on the couch, and me next to you with the paper or schoolwork or my knitting; all of us just relaxing in the embrace of the unconditional love that enveloped us all. That feeling was magical, like Tink's special pixie dust had been sprinkled upon us all and nothing would ever change and our lives would just always be so right.

And for nearly eight precious years, they were right, weren't they honey?

I knew you'd agree. :)

I love you, Dazzy. Always.
Kisses, Wifey.

No comments: