Wednesday, September 12, 2007

"Hey Honey," Yourself!

Dear Dazzy,

Wow, The power of the mind is amazing. When I went to bed the other night, I just settled in and I SWEAR I heard you say, loud and clear, "Hey Honey..."
It didn't freak me out. I was not scared. I half expected to see you lying next to me as I rolled over and adjusted the sheet that the dogs were hogging. It was WEIRD.

I went to the counselor today and told her about it-and the weird way the solar light in the back yard went on suddenly when I walked past while I was talking to Kath on the phone and yes, we were talking about you, honey, :P

The kids have had it happen recently up in their apt at college, too-lights going on and off; phasing, etc.

Again I will say it-weird. TOO weird.

Then after falling apart for the last two days,I had a decent day today.

Go figure.

I have plans in the making for your birthday weekend; lots of crazy DFW Aussies will be in our house talking Oz-speak and whatnot. It will be very bittersweet to have everyone but YOU here my love. I am looking forward to it, though, and I know I will have a good time if I let myself do so. We will raise a toast to you and talk about you and miss you heaps. Here's hoping I make it through the 20th ( first day we met in person)and the 28th ( your true B-day)with a minimum of tears...

Yeah, riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight. Uh huh. No Problem!

Mikey is coming home this weekend- YEA. Smash has huge rehearsals BOO but YEA at the same time-you'd be so proud of her making the cut for this NYC modern ( Limon!) workshop that she got chosen for, babe. I get to see it in February. Can't wait!

Fall is coming-the temps are way cooler at night; Boomie loves chasing your beloved squirrels around, LOL, and I haven't had the A/C on for two days!

Of course it makes me wonder how I will get through the cold winter nights without your furnace of a body next to mine, keeping not just me warm but Ranger the wonder dog as well.

Maybe Boomer will take us some of the slack, but I know that I will have to keep that mattress heater on all night long.

I make all these stupid adjustments to my life to trick myself in believing that I can do all of this, that I can be OK, that I can have the life that I choose to have-but the end result is always that the only thing that I ever want is you, honey. And that can never be.

Makes all the rest of my life feel so hollow right now. I wonder if that emptiness will ever go away. I think I know the answer but I don't even want to type it, let alone say it aloud.

So fall is coming and I have some plans and work is OK and the kids are doing well-and I go about my life every single day with a fake smile and a borrowed bravado and a soul that has been smelted by the fire of mourning.

I wait for hope and happiness to find me again.

And I wait.
And I wait.
And I wait.
And I wait.
And I wait...

How I love you, Dazzles. Always.
Kisses, Wifey

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