Sunday, September 09, 2007

Football USA

Dear Dazzy,

Today, the American Football season began for the Cowboys. I could not bear to watch any of it. Even as an Aussie, you had a great love of US Football and the Tx Cowboys--even before you ever found me , my love.

Your Emmit Smith (#22) jersey is still hanging in your closet.You would put it on and make snacks and camp out on the sofa with Rangie on Sunday arvos, telling anyone within earshot that you were not to be disturbed 'cause the game was coming on, LOL

When Kath still lived up here she and I would get outta Dodge and movie it up or shop or walk; now that she's three plus hours away it's a different kind of Sunday arvo for me.

Doesn't help that I may have a relapse of my throat crap; I finished my meds but my cough has returned a bit and I am tired and achy to bed early after I finish this post.

Went to a funny movie and had a snack afterward with a teacher from school last night; we had a good time and will be doing it again I am sure. Even though I hate being out without you, sweets, I love being out on a "Sat-Day" night. We talked widowhood-she's been down this road as well, a long time ago-and men in general; we decided that her late hubby and mine were simply the best. :)

Yesterday I was up and productive-painted ceilings walked dogs, then went out-and today I am a bit sour. Not sad/crying, just melancholy. Wishing for my old life back; knowing of course that that's nothing but an exercise in futility and then thinking, what's my next move going to be?

I can't sit in limbo forever.

Do I want to change jobs? Nah. Not now. Home? Nope. Not unless I could pick up and go to Oz straight away...can't do that until the kids graduate in about a year.

I guess that it's good that I am pondering at least-first is acknowledgement, then comes action-and it makes me feel good to think I may have a shred of hope for my future buried deep, deep inside of what's left of the deflated balloon that used to be my soul.

On a lighter note, Boomer is doing well with his doggie training-and he loves going to the dog day care place. He can only go once a week- its all I can afford! But today when I got his leash he went to the garage door, to go to the car, LOL
It was very cute. You'd be crazy about him and his antics babe. I'm sure the feeling would be very mutual.

I cleaned out the fridge and pantry and lasted about half an hour grocery shopping today.
Big improvements there, babe, eh? Still forgot a razor head :P Oh well...

I hope I have more improvements coming my way . It's not time passing that makes your death more bearable. It's the determination not to let it eat me alive. I wrestle with it every day, but most days now I win. On the days that I lose...well, I sit and cry and try again later.

Sometimes I feel like you are not far away from me. It's comforting in a weird way. The kids had all kinds of electrical issues up at their new place, just like we had here at Melyork-lights going on, off, etc..we decided it was you saying "G'Day, Mikestar and Smashley!" It made us all smile.

We will never be happy that you had to leave us. We will never be OK with having to be a family of three instead of four. We will never believe that this happened for a reason, or that it was meant to be, or it's a test (!!!!!) or any of that other pseudo religious holier-than-thou crap that people spew when they just don't know what to say.

What I do hope we get to eventually is contentment.
Contentment that life, while it goes on regardless of how we feel, can be good once again.

It will never be what it was, but my heartfelt wish is that through some magical alchemy between tears and wishes and goals and self-determination the kids and I, along with your friends and other family can be made whole again-albeit with patches and reinforced seams...

Love you Dazzles. Always!
Kisses, Wifey

PS- Priscilla, Queen of the Desert was on today hon-such a fun movie and so Aussie!
Love the scenery and music and all that. Music is still a sore spot for me , honey, as you well know, and the song over the ending credits just tore me up: "Save The Best For Last", by Vanessa Williams :(

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