Friday, October 12, 2007

Friday Friday Friday

Dear Dazzy,

Yep, honey here we are-another Friday night, with me and the two crazy dogs and a bit of TV.

Not a bad deal really-a good way to unwind after a long week at work/play/life.

Sadly, today makes 25 (!) weeks since you left us here missing your perfect arse. :P

You know how much I miss you. Everyone knows. I STILL can see your fingerprints at the top of the big bathroom mirror when the steam from the shower fogs it up ; I keep thinking I should get a fingerprint kit and dust 'em to make a print to keep.
I look for them every night after my shower, thinking that if they are still here maybe you will be too. Irrational? Of course it is. But, not much else makes sense in my life these days, so what the hell.

Then I realize that no matter what I do, it will not bring you back to me in the flesh.

That sinking feeling, right in the hollow of my stomach-that NOTHING will bring you back-is what I fight on a daily basis.

It is quite the numbing existence ; at times I feel like I am getting a bit of "mojo" back, but not in any sort of pattern, so it is quite confusing.

I have no idea how the f**k to do this; how to miss you but move on , how to love you always and yet let you go, how to believe it is all for some grand scale reason and yet still I cry over you at least once a day.

I am gladdened by the signs I think I am getting-of course, I could just be losing it and at this point, who cares. If it comforts me, I am all for it.

Maybe one day I won't need so much comforting.


I have, however, made it through your Birthday, the medium call, the Aussie get-together.
Now comes Halloween, then our anniversary of sorts-the first time we EVER said hello to each other was on November 3rd, 1999! I am so happy I have it most of it on disc.

Thank you, babe, for backing up my computer that day when all of that stuff got saved.

Love you for that, Dazzy.

Next up comes the dreaded holy trinity of holidays-Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years. Ouch.
Maybe I'll just skip 'em ALL this year. How could I party without you, honey, my fave hunk-o-spunk barkeep?

Outside tonight the crisp fall-to-be air is creating misty, wispy fog,because the ground is still warm while the air temperature keeps dropping. Like when I look into the fog of the bathroom mirror, I glance around, straining my neck to see rememnants of any fingerprints you may have left behind, proof to the outside world that you were once really here; that you were mine, I was yours, and that we were happy.

It's all right here in my heart, but I want the world to acknowledged it as well.
Not sure why, but I feel strongly about that. Maybe that's where your book comes in?

For now that's what motivates me to write. So I do. For you, babe. For you.

On a much lighter note, Mikey is coming in with his new GF tomorrow.:)
Oh, I know how you would be teasing him! And flirting with her while she is here, LOL

I should be cleaning up, making cookies, etc- HA!

Not tonight.

Tonight I am just sorta flat. Not sad, not bawling my eyes out, just flat.

I keep wondering when my "real" life will kick in again.

I want to work out again, paint, garden, read something with real enthusiasm-I get flickers of that at times but it's not full on, yet.

Any help here that you could throw my way would be much appreciated, honey. Really.

I just went out to get the mail-better late than never, eh-and looked around at the other houses decorated for Halloween, your FAVE holiday.

Last year at this time we were at Wally-World buying fake monster stuff and spooky spider web packages. You were tweaking your "screaming" welcome mat and the strobe light. I was surely rolling my eyes at your never-ending display, but secretly inside I was so happy and proud to have a hubby that wanted in on all that silly suburban action-family time things, like decorating the house for a holiday and inviting people over for sports stuff and just yakking to the neighbors about the grass and the weeds and the nighttime fog all that mundane slice of life crap.

What I wouldn't give to have a moment of that back. Just a moment. Just us. Just... :(

I love you Dazzy. Always.
Kisses, Wifey.

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