Tuesday, October 09, 2007

There You'll Be



"There You'll Be" by Faith Hill

When I think back
On these times
And the dreams
We left behind
I'll be glad 'cause
I was blessed to have you in my life
When I look back
On these days
I'll look and see your face
You were right there for me

[Chorus:]
In my dreams
I'll always see you soar
Above the sky
In my heart
There will always be a place
For you for all my life
I'll keep a part
Of you with me
And everywhere I am
There you'll be
And everywhere I am
There you'll be

Well you showed me
How it feels
To feel the sky
Within my reach
And I always
Will remember all
The strength you
Gave to me
Your love made me
Make it through
Oh, I owe so much to you
You were right there for me

[Repeat chorus]

'Cause I always saw in you
My light, my strength
And I want to thank you
Now for all the ways
You were right there for me
You were right there for me
For always

[Chorus:]
In my dreams
I'll always see you soar
Above the sky
In my heart
There will always be a place
For you for all my life
I'll keep a part
Of you with me
And everywhere I am
There you'll be
And everywhere I am
There you'll be
There you'll be

Not sure why I thought of this song tonight babe-maybe it the promise of cooler weather; the autumn finally nesting itself in the trees and bringing about the changes that are inevitable this time of year. I like the lyrics because they realy do express how I feel-I'll always miss you, always be grateful for what we had,and I will always love you-simple as that.

When the leaves begin to change, I think of the twins when they were little and the way they would pick what character they wanted to be for Halloween and what their birthday party theme to be ( one can never plan to early for a December birthday party, LOL) and Christmas lists and where we would be having Thanksgiving and all that jazz. We you entered out lives, that was all amped up tenfold!
I thought of all of that today when I drove home with the top down on the Sebring. I thought about the upcoming hilodays, and how we are all-you family, you friends, your "wifey" and "tin-lids"-are going to deal with them.

Of course, nothing really is the same anymore without you, babe, but we are adjusting. I know for me, inch by inch, piece by piece-one minute at a time-my emotional being undergoes repair. I am sure when all is said and done my heart and soul will not be unlike Mary Shelly's Frankenstein; somewhat still human, patched together with remnants of life itself, eternally hopeful that love will find it.

Sort of like a weird Victorian crazy-quilt, with seams that are too thick in some places and too thin in others. Hopefully it will hold up against the coming winter of my mourning.

I went to therapy yesterday-always a good thing-and tonight I walked the dogs in the crisp evening air, took out the trash, cleaned up around the house-you know, stuff I always do.

I went food shopping, too-still the bane of my existence-but tonight I didn't cry.
Amazing eh?
I knooooooooooooooooow!( said in my very best Valley girl imitation)

The cooler weather brings that awareness that you and I will not be cuddling up again anytime soon, and that unless I teach Boomie or Rangie how to turn on the electric mattress heater I better start remembering to do that, too. I don;lt need it just yet, but the day will come in November for sure.

I know with the holidays breathing down my neck that I will have some awful days ahead. It's not something I am avoiding, because I know if I duck my head in the sand now it will only come back to bother me later.

That much I have certainly learned about grief and mourning.

I don't want that. I want to embrace my mourning, deliberately shake its hand( or wring its scrawny little neck) send it off and be done with it.
Like you, honey, I hate waiting!
I hate mourning; the pessimism, the utter despair, the loneliness even when I am surrounded by people.Hate it.

It sucks, as the kids would say. Big time.

Now, though, some days are like today's weather-perfect temperature, fluffy white clouds, and sunshine that doesn't laser your skin, just warms it enough to make you feel good. I am making my lists of things to do and I am even doing some things just for me-Spanish lessons at school and massages when $$$ and time permit.

I feel like I am waitng for something but I don't know just what yet.
After a bunch of recent events, I know I will see you again when my days here are through, but as long as I HAVE days to spend on this Earth I want to experience them in a place that I love, and with people I adore. I know Texas will not be my last home. I am sorry it was yours. I always looked forward to the veranda at the house in Box Hill being our old rocking chair place. Maybe it will still be mine?

I will not dwell on that thought anymore tonght, though.
You are gone and not coming back. What a sad thought, babe. But for me to move forward, I have to accept that idea every second I am alive. I'm working on it, honey. I know I'll conquer it in the end.
Here's to hard work, moving on, and honoring memories. I know it doesn't matter where I am int he world, really, because wherever I am-there you'll be.

Love you Dazzles. Always.
Kisses, Wifey.

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