Wednesday, October 31, 2007

A Sad Halloween

Create Your Own

Dear Dazzy,
Halloween has come around again-and this year, you are not in costume scaring the lil kids at the door:P
I was Ok today. Gave out fancy pencils to the kids at school and "Gummi Body Parts" to kids saying "trick or treat" at the door. Boomer is passed out on the bed from a Zen Den day and I have talked to friends and family. I sit with a cuppa and a sweet and I am blogging. Life is better than it was six months ago, but it is still awful without you honey. I can't help thinking that you should be here, mucking around, dressing know. With me.
Really with me, I mean.
I haven't broken down and had a good cry ( now there is an oxymoron if ever there was one) in weeks. I figured today would be tough, but I made it all the way through the trick-or-treaters. The doorbell is quiet now; it's time for me to shower and get ready for work tomorrow-all the small things that make up my night. Its still a lonely time without you babe. Lonely plus!

The realization that I have to go through all these "firsts"-holidays, anniversaries, birthdays, etc -as part of the mourning process sucks. Every time one of these dates comes along, it brings a new set of feelings, a new wave of sadness, new, raw emotions to be dealth with.

It hurts.
I miss you.

The only difference at this point in my journey through grief is that I know I can recover from this kind of day, and then brace myself for the next mountainous peak and valley of emotions waiting for me like an Outward Bound obstacle course. One that I have to take blindfolded. With no maps whatsoever...

So tonight the house is dark. There is a lone pumpkin out front and some candles on the dining room table. That's all I could muster this year honey-sorry. Maybe next year will be easier, better, more fun. Maybe.

But for as long as I live, I will always be able to see you in my minds eye, trashing my makeup drawer attempting to put on "lippy" and false lashes when you dressed up as ME one Halloween all those years ago :P ! Funny was not the word, you were hilarious! You even wore my name badge when we went to the local high school football homecoming game. I was afraid for you!
I mean, we are not in a part of the country that can deal with that sort of fun, LOL

We had a great time. That year and every one after that we dressed up and gave out candy and went to parites and decorated the house-you lourved Halloween. So trashy and American, LOL
Thank you , honey, for making our life together so much fun.

Happy Halloween, babe.
I love you heaps...
Kisses, Wifey

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