Wednesday, November 21, 2007
Tomorrow is Thanksgiving. There will be turkey in the oven, stuffing, veggies, good wine and desserts. I will watch the Macy's Thanskgiving Day Parade on TV while I mash potatoes and make gravy. My dad will make some unbeliveably stupid comment about the state of affairs in the USA, and my sister will bring her crazy dog dressed up in an outfit that screams "humiliation" in dogspeak. After dinner, we will watch the Cowboys play some American "wussie" football, and take the dogs for a walk at halftime in order to make room for a second helping of everything. I am putting forth effort, in order to bring some repair to my life that goes on without you. I am living proof of life after death, babe. How it happens is beyond me most days.
I have no idea how I am going to get through the day without your smile, your stolen kisses in the kitchen, or your presence at the head of our family table.
Who will sit there now?
No one can ever take your place at our dinning room table. It would be ...well, wrong.
e have decided to light a candle and put it at your spot, honey, and leave your chair empty.
Thats the best we could come up with. Hope you like it, babe.
Yesterday marked Seven-seven?-seven! months since I looked into your eyes over a cuppa and told you in person that I loved you. Now, when I think about how I can only tell you things by writing to you here or talking out loud to myself like a crazy woman, I think of the term "deafening silence" and I know its true meaning instantly. I hate it. Just fucking hate it.
I know that every month I write basically the same words about how incredulous it seems to mark your passing-1,2,3,4,5,6, now 7 months! Time is hurtling away, yet my life stopped for all intent and purposes just when yours did, babe. The plans we had, the dreams we shared, all that hokey, cliched stuff-all of it is gone. Changed forever because of faulty DNA and lifestyle choices when you were too young to know better. Changed because some stupid Dr pronounced you fit, hale and hearty; with the insides of a thirty year old.
Yeah, a thirty year old about to take his last breath...bastards.
I know now that the anticipation of any special day is worse than the day itself, so I am doing OK today-the kids are here, I met both of the SO's, and I believe that it is no coincidence that both kids are dating Libras-the same sign as you! I bet you are getting quite the kick out of that, eh? Maybe you even had a hand in it all ? I love that.
I have a few days off from work and I can spend some more time writing.
That's a good thing for me. I may get to workout as well-another good thing.
Five days of a mim-vacation is a good thing no matter what.
Tomorrow, however, is our day of thanks here in the USA, a day where you list your good fortune out loud for all to hear. I am writing about it all today in our blog because while I am so very sad that you are gone, today my tears are at bay, and tomorrow there is no guarantee of that happening.
Drumroll, please: tadumtadumtadumtadumtadumtadumtadumtadumtadumtadumtadumtadumtadumtadum-
I will always be thankful for my talented, beautiful, good-hearted children, because I was told long ago that I might not be able to ever have any. Bonus for having twins!
... for my brain and that it still works well on occasion.
...for my faithful friends here in the US and your faithful friends in Oz who have taken me into their fold.
... for all my crazy family members, be they related by blood or marriage.
...and how about the Internet! How would we have ever met without it? I have made good friends through it as well; virtual or not, their outpouring of kindness when you died will always be remembered.
... for your parents, babe, because without them there would have been no "Dazzy."
Most of all, though, I am thankful that you were mine and I was yours and that loved lived within us all of the 2,665 days we were together.
This picture shows us at Cowboy Stadium back in 2004. We took the whole tour, and you got to stand out on the star in mid-field, etc. Sadly, the stadium will be torn down as soon as the new one is finished being built-I am so glad you and I got to go there when we did.
This Thanksgiving, when Da Boys play, I will always remember tourning the facilities and watching you have a kick of the football out there on the turf-you kicked in footy style, sent it soaring, and impressed eveyone who was out there, LOL
While T-day will never be quite "happy" again for me, I hope one day it will be fulfilling in its memories of good things yet to be.
Love you, Dazzles...always.