Tuesday

Dear Dazzy,

Yeah, it's just another Tuesday. Work at 8. Lawyer phone call at lunch. Off work at 4.


An hour at the shrink, talking about you/me/us and how awful this past week has been.


Home to dinner for one, and useless TV.


Phone calls from/to people I care about help pass the night until bedtime.


Too many mindless snacks. ------------:P





How did I ever become so boring?





Not all this past week was crappy-the kids and I had a great time out on the weekend, I did stuff around the house, I even finished the bricks by the back gate, woohoo!


I'll cement them in this weekend. Maybe I'll even get some more ceilings painted! Ok maybe just our bathroom ceiling...:)



But the onslaught of Christmas as the Holy Retail Experience has begun.
The commercials.
The cacaphony of colors and sounds and food and subliminal heartstring tugging is seeping through the TV, radio, newpapers and is ever present when I get on-line as well.
I may gag.
I know I will cry at some point.





I have always been the one to pull out the stops, celebrating in a way that would make Martha Stewart proud. You were just as bad, both of us decorating the house to the hilt, shopping for the perfect gifts for people-not sure how or what I will be able to do this year.



I know I will miss you, honey, that's for sure.



No present will delight me, no card will make me laugh, no late night tea on a colder than usual night will be set before me. No hubby to snuggle with when the days are short and the wind blows icy cold.

No you.


Just me.


Alone.


Getting through these next two months with some semblance of sanity is my goal. Not sure how I am gonna pull that off, but I will be in there swinging, babe. You'll see :P



Some days I feel like I am fishing , out on the far eastern coast of Montauk Point on Long Island, where the big fish are, fighting with a Swordfish that's bigger than the boat.


I keep reeling him in ( grief could never be a "her"), he keeps twisting his body, writhing, breaching up out of the water, trying to pull me under.


I keep fighting, stopping to give the fish a bit of slack for false pretenses, and then I reel like mad. That sword threatens at every moment. It glistens in the reflective sunlight, bright enough to blind.

That damn fish and I are going to be fighting for a while. Little does it know that I will be the winner when all is said and done.



Right honey?
Thought so...



Late last night, while I was drifting in and out of sleep in our bed, I swore I hear you call my name-twice. Sue? Sue!


Clear as a bell I heard it.


I know, really, that I am simply like a person in the desert who sees the mirage of water they so desperatley need. The mind is an amazing thing, isn't it? But still ! Made me go HMMMMM...

I'm off for tea now. Then a shower. Then sleep. Then work. Blah, Blah, Blah. You used to make even the mundane so worthwhile, and having my own personal cheerleader made me want to achieve great things. Now I settle for remembering to buy dog food and show up for WED a.m. school duty.

I have to go and find my new life.

The one I never wanted.

The one that goes on without you.





Love you, Dazzles. Always.


Kisses, Wifey.