Friday, December 28, 2007

A Sunny Friday , A Poiniant Dream

Dear Dazzy,

A sunny Friday...and quite a dream!

Friday early morning dream: In a huge house, I am on the third/higher floor
It's our fave stayles-gray and modern and plush
The yard is like my childhood home-trees etc, warm summer breeze
I am waiting in the bathroom/bathtub in a long white tee, ponytail,in deep, clear bathwater; like a baptism I dunk myself under after seeing Dazzy coming up the walk on the side-left ( heart?)
I am looking at him through a large window, very square...
He is walking through a gate; he told the kids that he would wait for me-but I said, looking down at him: "I'm not ready babe"
He said "It's ok-I'll wait for you!"
He looked beautiful,fit and tan, and was dressed like it was summertime, white short sleeved shirt and jeans
He had a small box-a present- in his hands tied with pink/white flowers and pink satin bow ( I was married in pink, carried pink stargazer lillies!)
Both kids were there...
We were all calm, serene

238 days now he has been waiting for me- I know we are both so impaitient,
I wonder if impatience is the same on the other side.
Or is time non-exisitant?

To think that he is waiting for me :)))))))))

hope is fear based
faith is knowing
is this him telling me I should have more faith?
or more faith in myself...


I wanted to write all this out as fast as possible this morning so I wouldn't forget any of it.

It was quite a REAL dream-and I am not posting until after I have my Sat-day conversation with a medium that I have come to think has that true gift of intuition.
Just in case, lol, ah that's the NYer in my eh babe?

But wow, it was quite a dream. Since I have had such a bad week I like to think it's really you helping me through all of this emtional tsunami. Ater that dream I am better, calmer, not as sad-but NYE hasn't hit yet either. :(

I think it was a reassurace type of dream that I am to go and do and be and enjoy and that when my turn comes you will help me make my journey to the rest of my life, whatever that may be.

I have had a hideous few days, but today was better. I saw National Treasure II, and went to eat with ML. We talked about you and her DH as well, of course, and we talked to J in Oz-he always has some really spot-on things to say, so it's great talking with him. I just got off the phone with Andrew. He sounds so sad-just like I have been. Its going to be the New Year, and you will not be here with us-how can that be? The universe is simply off kilter without you in our lives, my sweets.

And still we all go on. We get up and brush our teeth and cry and talk to you and wonder what, if anything, makes a difference anymore. We eat dinners without you and go to movies without you and we sleep and get up and do it all again-all without you.

It sucks. I still hate it. I will never be OK with your death, honey. NEVER.

But I do know that I have what it takes to move through this god-awful grief and mourning and spit in the face of the new year. How can a year come into play that will not have "Team Daz" intact? Jeeze...

Love you, Dazzy-Always.
Kisses, Wifey.

1 comment:

CresceNet said...

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