Tuesday, January 08, 2008
Tonight I am tired-a good thing-after being up late for two weeks, I am getting back on track for that 11 PM bedtime and the crack o' dawn 6:30 that I salute every weekday.
It's fine. I do OK with a routine and I can schedule my grief counselor and other standing appointments better this way.
I "talked" with MS tonight via MSN IM-wanted to make sure his hosting company wasn't YOURS, babe. Dazworks will go off the Internet as a live hosting and email place later on this week or early next. I cried when thinking about how hard you worked and how much you loved your graphic arts- the great sites you designed for Michael Salmon and The Seekers and all the rest. I feel like I am losing yet another piece of you.
I picked up those early videos that you had sent me-I had them converted to DVD's and now I can edit and upload and all that other hoopla-maybe this weekend I will do some.
So many memories.
So many heartbreaks.
I sometimes wish I could just live inside those DVD's for the rest of my life, with that cheeky man of my dreams always at my side.
It's been a rough week for me, babe, as you know-back to work is good, but I am still without you, and I was hoping that by 9 months out I would be somehow miraculously better-but as my shrink says, I have hit the jackpot on the stress meter of life-sudden death of a spouse is the top spot, numero uno, a 100 on the scale of 1-100.
She told me I was a head of the curve, doing well, especially since I am doing all this without meds or alcohol or smoking or any other man-made diversions. Ok except cookies...
Sometimes I wonder if that's sane or stupid, :P
Maybe this backwards loop is really me getting ready tohurtle me into the future of my so-called life. Building up a bit of potential energy, ready to fling me head-on into the unknown.
As Marie Curie once remarked, "Nothing in life is to be feared, it is only to be understood.
Now is the time to understand more, so that we may fear less."
Fear less? Fear-less...Fearless!
That's what I long for, Dazzy-that fearlessness I used to havewhen you were with me.
Your inspiration as to what I could do-what a great guy you are/were/will always be.
Its no wonder why I miss you so.
Here's to better days.
Love you Dazzy. Always.