Saturday, January 05, 2008

What do I do now?

Dear Dazzy,

Today the weather will be VERY warm for Jan in our part of Tx-75! Woohoo!
I will be raking and tending the yeard a bit, as well as putting the lil bit of X-mas stuff away properly in the garage. We will take both dogs to the dog park ( it will be swamped with this kind of warm weather) for a good romp and if I have time I will wash the convertable, too.

If not that will be on the agenda for tomorrow.

We are going to eat with my Dad later on-he has a hankering for Red Lobster, and well, I haven't been there since I went with you last year-wow, that sounds like a long time ago, eh babe?
Sure doesn't feel it some days. Other days it feel like eons since you held me in your arms.

I have done pretty much all I wanted to do over break-cleaning out wise, anyway. I also saw some good movies, went to eat out some, and played more board games with the kids and their friends than I have since they were ten! I even began knitting again.

Actually last night Mikey stayed in to watch his beloved Mavs and we played Monopoly on the computer-it's sooooooooooooooooo cool! The money, places, icons, etc all are updated and very appropo.

Oh yeah and I won...not that I am competitive or anything like that, LOL

So you can see that I fill my time with some useful things and some not-so-useful-things. I like to be busy-I always have. Sitting still for a long time is not something I enjoy.

But now I have cleaned out and organized the stuff I ususally do every winter break-I am finished. I am working on your life story when I have the emotional extra to do so.
I signed up to be a literary volunteer at the library-that will fill one night a week( 2 hrs).
I made a pcat with myself to do one generous thing every day-not really about $$$, more about attitude and gratitude. So far, so good.

I will also be doing the January get in shape thingy-but this year its for good.

I go back to work on Monday-and you know I love what I do, so I am looking forward to seeing the kids. The adults will be harder- the ubiqitous "how was your break" mantra will break me down somewhere along the line , for sure.

What I want to reply is that if it weren't for my friends and family-especially my wonderfully empathetic children-I would be in a far darker place than I am now.
Right now its a place where I am just sad. I am accepting of the situation, but I know I will never be "over" it. It will always color who I am and how I react to life until the end of my days.

After nearly nine months, the lonliness of your abrupt leaving is starting to really settle in.

So what do I do now? How will I ever get past the empty space at the table that you should be sitting at? The half of the bed that never gets rumpled, the coffee mug that never gets used anymore, the mitre saw just waiting to be used again-how do I continue to live around these things and put a smile on my face and say "I'm doing better?"

Actually, honey, some days I do feel better. Others? Well, let's just say I don't.
What I miss the most is that big personality, taking the whole house up a notch in noise, mess, and love. I miss you sitting on the couch yelling at the sports people/teams/players; washing our cars on a Sunday arvo after we have been to IHOP and SAM'S. I miss you telling me that the stupid sandwich I slapped together for you ( so you wouldn't have to misss a nano second of the game) is the best one you have ever had :P and I truly miss talking about life with you. Anything and everything was fodder for our conversations. I miss the accetn, the Aussified slant on things....all of it. I miss all of it. All of you.

Years ago I read a book called Captain Corelli's Mandolin. It is a heartbreaker of a love story, and the now famous "Love is a temporary madness..." quote from it is this:

Love is a temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake and then subsides. And when it subsides you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion. That is just being in love which any of us can convince ourselves we are. Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident. We had roots that grew towards each other underground, and when all the pretty blossom had fallen from our branches we found that we were one tree and not two.


So when I say that I don't know what to do next, I mean how do I untanlge my roots from yours? How do I go forward, make a life that does not include you, make a life that still had meaning for me, yet grow all alone?

I know it's possible-all things are possible, one just needs the fortitude to endure.

Right now, that eludes me. I don't have a clue how to get it. Some days it feels like nothing matters. Other days it's the opposite. I wish I had answers, hope, YOU. Good thing I am competitve though. I don't like losing. I have lost you, but I will not let death rob me of ME as well-that will come in its own time.

Usually I like to write at night, settle my thoughts with the day, all that jazz. Today I am up early and writing-feeling like I need to. Might be too much emotion stirring aorund, eh babe?

Today beckons, however, with its sunshine and warmth. I will finish my good cry and be off to the shower and then find things to occupy my brain with today. I will fall into bed tonight with the two silly dogs and say "G'night Dazzy" like I always do and then wish upon all the billions of stars that illuminate the infinite sky that this hurt will one day diminsh.

Like Michael Hutchens once wrote, "It's hard to believe we need a place called hell..."

Love you Dazzy-Always.
Kisses, Wifey

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