Wednesday, January 02, 2008

A New Year

Dear Dazzy,
Well, babe-2008 has arrived.
I am not sure if I should be happy ( whatever that is ) or sad about this event.

Ever the optimist, I will say that I look forward to a year of continued healing. It will be hard work and I am not looking forward to the anniversaries that will be coming my way in the first third of this year, but they are coming anyway-I might as well meet them head on with my fists balled up, ready to jab...

Today I read about something called the happiness project. This woman that is writing a book on how to be happy has advice, quotes, idioms, etc all about happiness. She tried all kinds of things for a year just to see what worked.

Well, the biggest thing she had going for he was she still had her husband throughout the entire process. She did not have him die one ordinary day, forever changing her sweet little concept of "happy." She did not have to go to sleep in the bed they just shared the night before and stare at the ceiling all night long crying and cursing god and all his minions over the fact that this awesome human being was now in a place that would see them apart for decade upon decade. She did not have to look at the faces of children or other family members and tell them "I'm so sorry, I don't know what happened, but he's gone..."

Of course she should be fucking happy. How could she not be? Sadly, people like her-who have to look for "happy"-never really will be. They try too hard, put their trust in material things, do crafts instead of art and read magazines instead of books and live way too vicariously through their kids. They fritter away their time with insipid TV or mainstream music and movies and never really look beyond the surface of anything. They aren't happy because they compare themselves to others and find themselves lacking in some way. Happy is always there, but they look right past it.


You and I were different, honey. We talked about happiness and what it meant to us and all that jazz right up front in our relationship. We told each other what we held dear, what we felt respect and trust should be, and we really never had any problems with any of the BIG things. It was just a natural thing to be kind to one another. It was never forced or phony. We really did like each other-ya think? :P
So in this new year, within the realm of happiness, I am going to do a kind thing every day.

I do it in your honor. You taught me a lot about kind acts, and I want to pass on your kindness still. That's my "happiness challenge" for this year. Hopefully it will in the long run make me happy as well.

So today, being that it was freezing in TX ( 32F-0C !), I took your coats/jackets to the Salvation Army/Goodwill drop off. Your puffy down vest, your black suede coat, a few other jackets-all will hopeful warm someone up this winter season. I know that had to make you smile, babe. You were that guy that the cliche talks of-the one who would give the shirt off his back to someone in need.
It was hard going through your things, but it wasn't as hard as last time.

Every time I go into your closet I sort a bit out. I only do it in small increments-when I start lingering over one certain thing, getting teary, I move on-and what's left in there now will stay there. I have tee shirts and ties for quilts and your suits-I can't bear to do anything with them just yet. That will have to wait.

So today I went to my grief session, Half-price books( cleaned off a shelf of my oldies but goodies, lol) supermarket, and Goodwill.

I came home and Ash and I walked Boomer-too cold for Rangie-and then she and I went to the yarn store and the pet store.
It was a good walk around arvo, even if it was frikkin freezin( said in my best Daz imitation :P)

So now she's off with BF and Mikey is off to Luke's to hang out and it is just me, the dogs, and my ever-present grief. This holiday season has knocked me around the corner.

It was so much harder than I ever though it would be.

I was having an easier time of it before the holidays, so I am sure my equilibrium will right itself once the din of work and such returns next week.

The big news of it all, of course, is that I DID get through it all- without deep scarring, I think-and that means that I will be able to clear the rest of the hurdles coming my way.

And so, I plod through. I sift through our intertwined lives, trying to make the right decisions about what might make some future grandchild( OR even me!) happy twenty or so years from now. The Chevy Racing Jacket? The Camaro model? The Halloween costumes? The funky "Super Famous" Calvin Klein Shirt that you wore to gay bingo, and again on the night of your 40th b-day? The fashion forward wardrobe of a confident peacock of a man.
While I was going through your jacket pockets, before I put them into the donation box,

I found busio cards and too many pens( all your friends and co-workers are laughing right now, lol) as well as four dimes in different jackets. Not pennies, or quarters, or nickles...just dimes.
Here's what THAT'S supposed to mean: They are from our loved ones that have passed!

That's a whole lot of people finding dimes.

I too have found heaps in the last eight and a half months; a whole bunch in my closet or yours, in the car, even at school! I don't keep change in my pockets, you know that babe. It's so weird!I never thought to keep them, but from now on I will.

Oh and honey, if you are sending cash, make it the BIG STUFF, OK? :P

2008 so far is , like the song says, unwritten. That's how I feel, too-like I used to be this character in a fairy tale book that got to live happily ever after with her handsome prince and beautiful children in the castle named MelYork and through their love they made it their home.

Now I find that THE END was never in the correct spot and I have to keep writing past the last chapter because there are all these damn blank pages that are just waiting to be filled.

It's a good thing I like to write, eh babe?

Love you Dazzles. Always!

Kisses, Wifey

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