Thursday, February 21, 2008

Ten Months and counting...

Dear Dazzy,
At nearly ten months after your passing, I wonder sometimes what people remember of you.
Of course, to your family and dear friends, we know how wonderful you will always be and we keep those memories close.
You and I had such a complete connection that I never need help in remembering even the most minuscule datum about your life( that I know of ), and especially your life with me and the kids.
I know about the tenderhearted husband, the doting dad, the web design artist, the best freind, great son, the rock show lighting guy, the transport business owner, the banker, the wanna-be drag queen, the young and rakish petrol station attendant, the sportsman, the footy nut- even the car salesman(!)
Roles that you played with enthusiasm, drive, and love.
But now that you are not around-not the way we want , anyway-I wonder how many people think of you still; think about you making the coffee at work, laughing that huge laugh of yours, or taking the company pictures-you and that damn camera, lol; think about you making them a website, or painting them a picture-I wonder.
Then I think about it, and I am sort of sad for all the people who will NOT get to know you in their lifetime. :(
I am posting this program you designed back in 2002 for Ron Barassi and the Allanah and Madeline Foundation's Buddy Bear dinner.
Your artwork, your Dazworks Logo, all the things that you worked so hard to bring to fruition-I don't want people to forget.
You deserve better than that, babe.
So as long as I am around, I'll get the word out, OK?
Ten months.
I was weepy yesterday but not tonite; I am sure it's because the kids will be home this weekend (Big YEA). I have been to the dentist this arvo and the store for a new pair of jeans.
Dogs are napping behind me on the two "new" chairs in the living room, and I will go watch American Idol on the TIVO soon - skipping the commercials, it's only a ten minute show, LOL.
At the shrinky-dink yesterday we talked about the upcoming one year mark.
I told her that I thought I would get t-shirts made with the pix of you in the Kangool cap and have a huge party with Jim Beam shots and then we'd all light sparklers in your honor at nightfall while ACDC plays full on in the background. She may think I have lost it, LOL, but I know you and what YOU would want-so it may be a memorial service like no other, babe.
It was also my Mum's birthday yesterday-she would have been 79.
Ten years ago this year( May) she went on to the next realm. I sang her "Happy Birthday" like she always did for us and told her to make sure you were OK.
I dreamt of her two nights ago-more a visit than a dream, and it was good. Not as good as her being HERE, but still good.
But-Ten YEARS! Jeeze....
I know the two of you have had a "cuppa" since you arrived at wherever it is that you are :P
I know you discuss the way that I am so organized in my life in almost an anal way, yet still just throw my clothes on the bedroom chair for days at a time. You laugh at my still being scared of thunderstorms, and how I still curse the computer when it throws me for a loop. I know you do.
I am slowly making peace with the fact that this it my life-that the rest of my days will be lived without you; I only get to keep the memory of you-of us-in my heart.
I don't like it one bit, but I know I have to embrace it.
I am practicing non-resistance. It isn't working too well yet.
Ten months. Ten years.
Like a razor sharp knife, the blur of time does not fade memory, it hones it. It makes it so sharp that one can use it more selectively, slicing thinner and thinner strips of memory in the process, making it easier to process, simmer, and finally digest.
I never wanted a life that did not include you.
Now I have that very thing. It sucks...
I am too much of a competitor to give in to the sadness 24/7-I think. :P
I am not sure what comes next, but I will do it.
Hope you can show me the way a bit, Dazzy. I could use all the help I can get.
Here's to remembering my artist, my friend, my hubby, my Daz-you will always rock.
Love you, Dazzy. Always.
Kisses, Wifey.

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