Thursday, February 07, 2008

Like Water on Rock-Tears vs Grief

Dear Dazzy,

Yeah, the waterworks are still turned on inside of me and everything I see, or do, or feel, reminds me of you.
Of us.
I understand why people loose their minds over grief, or have hearts that totally turn to stone, or just give up.
It's certainly an easier thing to do than to keep trudging through.
I think some of it is , like I have said already, the build up to V-day. Ouch. Hard to go there.
I am really tired of the crying, and the depth of my feelings-I long for the day when I can just think of you and smile.

Will that day ever be? Not sure. I am not sure how anyone goes on after the trauma of loss. But millions do, they do it every day on this blue speck we call the Earth, and I hope I can find that "my heart will go on" kind of vibe again. I have it at times, but I long for the day when it is automatic, and not dependent on external things like sunshine or exercise or chocolate chip cookies.
I told someone today that I feel like I am swimming through tides of quicksand.

Floundering, I guess, is a better word than swimming. I am picking up the pieces of a shattered life as best I can, and some days it's OK and others-well, some days it all sucks.

I don't know what to plan for next Wednesday-other than the routine dentist visit I have scheduled. I took the day off from work so I don't have to see people with their flowers being delivered, or teachers with their silly hearts and cupid decorated sweaters-ugh.

I have had suggestions of writing you a letter,-of course that would be a bit redundant since I do that right here a few times a week-or gifting someone else with flowers or candy. Hmmm.

Not sure I can do that this year-to be so open and giving to strangers when all I want to do is have you to share that day with.
I know, honey. No use wishing for something that will never be.

But still...I can't help it some days. Those days when even the breeze is whispering your name in my ear; when the color of the sky reminds me of walking along the Yarra with you; when a cat crosses my path and looks up at me with those same green-colored eyes as yours that dazzled me all those years ago( pun intended!)-I can't help but wish you were still on this earth beside me.

Today is the Chinese New Year-year of the Rat. Supposed to be good for Monkeys, like me.

We'll see.
For now, I am cautiously awating a break in my latest cry-fest.
Two steps forward and one back is the way it is right now.
I know that I am inching forward through my grief-and yet I despise knowing that I have so far to still go.
Maybe my tears are the water that will wear away the rock of my grief-that's quite a boulder, eh babe?
Here's to tomorrow. To you. To us. Team Daz :)

Love you Dazzy. Always.
Kisses, Wifey.

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