Sunday, February 10, 2008
Better Days ?
Well, honey, I may be getting better at this whole grief/mourning thing-my prediction came true; I was sad a few days-really sad-and now that storm has passed. Good thing.
Can't take too much of that gut-wrenching sobbing and the resulting headache.
I worked HARD on the side garden this weekend, and the trim, wood chips, etc., are down and it's really starting to shape up. In a month's time I'll have the raised beds finised and ready for flowers and veggies. I have always had a garden; even in our condo you built me those raised planters out of brinck-they came out looking so great-and that fulfilled my need for planting for a while.
Now the garden will provide me with something else to do with my time after work when the weather really stays nice.
This weekend was spectacular-temp's in the 70's, brilliant sunshine,endless blue skies-convertible top down weather for sure. Mikey was here to help me a bit and we went to Mimi's for dinner and made three trips to Lowe's for wood chips, etc.
I can go all those places now and not cry right out of the gate.
Progress, I guess, comes with small steps and silently worded gratitude.
The most fun we had was taking Boomer to the dog park and the playground-as seen in our lil home movie here. Mike and Sandra took the B-monster to the park and vidoed him sliding down the slide!
Took him to the dog park this arvo and watched him run like the proverbial wind.
It breaks my heart becasue you would LOVE this crazy fur ball with a kanga's tail and hopping ability...your lil Aussiefied dog. :)
I would love to know why some days are so hard to slog through and others are so OK. None are fabulous, none are OMG I had the BEST TIME or anything like that-yet-but right now OK is good.
I remember thinking at the start of this horrific journey that by the time that one-year mark rolled around I would be back to "me", my old self, the one with more than a few irons in the fire, writing away, trying to get published in my field, etc.
Now I realize that the journey back to "me" can never be completed because I will never be that "me" again. I am forever changed by your sudden death, babe.
It has left me with a profound sense of what I DON'T know about religion and the afterlife and love itself.
I used to hear people talk about being devestated still-two years or three years out from the incident that changed their lives forever-and I would think, "Poor soul, that will never be me..." HA!
I am flying blind here. I have no reference point , no North Star to guide me, no idea how to do this-and yet every single day for the past nine and a half months I have done precisely that. I get up, put on madecide do I wear my rings one more time or not, and brace myself for the day.
Somes days I am almost hopeful.
Some days are ink-blot dark and hurricane stormy.
It changes all the time, and there is no logical explanation to any of it.
I feel powerless most days, enslaved to emotion. Drives me crazy!
I once told you that it would have been so much easier if we had NOT fallen in love, because it was going to be heaps of work to get together-and you gave me your classic Aussie "No worries, she'll be right!"
I try to listen for that saying, try to hear it in my head just the way you would have said it, babe, when eveything around me just reminds me of you, when my emotions are ready to implode because my heart is of such a finite size that it simply cannot hold another ounce of sadness, or longing, or grief.
I'm so sorry you are not living in our house with me the way I want you to be.
I am so sorry that the kids don't get the benefit of you giving them "dad advice" for years to come.
I am sorry that your friends and family will not get to hear your booming "G'Day!" coming through the telephone on any given day.
I am terribly sorry you are gone from this Earth.
Maybe that's why this past week was so hard.
Maybe it's just all sinking in to another layer of my soul.
Maybe one day I'll be able to smile first and cry second when I speak your name or tell a story or write about you here.
But it won't be today.
Love you Dazzy. Always.