Sunday, February 10, 2008

Better Days ?

Dear Dazzy,

Well, honey, I may be getting better at this whole grief/mourning thing-my prediction came true; I was sad a few days-really sad-and now that storm has passed. Good thing.
Can't take too much of that gut-wrenching sobbing and the resulting headache.

I worked HARD on the side garden this weekend, and the trim, wood chips, etc., are down and it's really starting to shape up. In a month's time I'll have the raised beds finised and ready for flowers and veggies. I have always had a garden; even in our condo you built me those raised planters out of brinck-they came out looking so great-and that fulfilled my need for planting for a while.

Now the garden will provide me with something else to do with my time after work when the weather really stays nice.

This weekend was spectacular-temp's in the 70's, brilliant sunshine,endless blue skies-convertible top down weather for sure. Mikey was here to help me a bit and we went to Mimi's for dinner and made three trips to Lowe's for wood chips, etc.
I can go all those places now and not cry right out of the gate.

Progress, I guess, comes with small steps and silently worded gratitude.

The most fun we had was taking Boomer to the dog park and the playground-as seen in our lil home movie here. Mike and Sandra took the B-monster to the park and vidoed him sliding down the slide!

Took him to the dog park this arvo and watched him run like the proverbial wind.
It breaks my heart becasue you would LOVE this crazy fur ball with a kanga's tail and hopping ability...your lil Aussiefied dog. :)

I would love to know why some days are so hard to slog through and others are so OK. None are fabulous, none are OMG I had the BEST TIME or anything like that-yet-but right now OK is good.

I remember thinking at the start of this horrific journey that by the time that one-year mark rolled around I would be back to "me", my old self, the one with more than a few irons in the fire, writing away, trying to get published in my field, etc.

Now I realize that the journey back to "me" can never be completed because I will never be that "me" again. I am forever changed by your sudden death, babe.
It has left me with a profound sense of what I DON'T know about religion and the afterlife and love itself.
I used to hear people talk about being devestated still-two years or three years out from the incident that changed their lives forever-and I would think, "Poor soul, that will never be me..." HA!

I am flying blind here. I have no reference point , no North Star to guide me, no idea how to do this-and yet every single day for the past nine and a half months I have done precisely that. I get up, put on madecide do I wear my rings one more time or not, and brace myself for the day.

Somes days I am almost hopeful.
Some days are ink-blot dark and hurricane stormy.

It changes all the time, and there is no logical explanation to any of it.
I feel powerless most days, enslaved to emotion. Drives me crazy!

I once told you that it would have been so much easier if we had NOT fallen in love, because it was going to be heaps of work to get together-and you gave me your classic Aussie "No worries, she'll be right!"


I try to listen for that saying, try to hear it in my head just the way you would have said it, babe, when eveything around me just reminds me of you, when my emotions are ready to implode because my heart is of such a finite size that it simply cannot hold another ounce of sadness, or longing, or grief.

I'm so sorry you are not living in our house with me the way I want you to be.
I am so sorry that the kids don't get the benefit of you giving them "dad advice" for years to come.
I am sorry that your friends and family will not get to hear your booming "G'Day!" coming through the telephone on any given day.

I am terribly sorry you are gone from this Earth.

Maybe that's why this past week was so hard.
Maybe it's just all sinking in to another layer of my soul.

Maybe one day I'll be able to smile first and cry second when I speak your name or tell a story or write about you here.

But it won't be today.

Love you Dazzy. Always.
Kisses, Wifey


Anonymous said...

Dear SJW,

Your blog was mentioned by a poster on the Oprah site and I felt compelled to pop over and see your blog site! First, let me say how much empathy I have for you in the sudden passing of your husband Dazzy. I can sense how much a part of your life he was, and how sad you are. I don't know that anything I say will ease your pain, but perhaps I can offer something that will help. My Mother died almost a year ago...on February 18th. My Sister Brother and I are composing something for the paper to tell others how much she still means to us a year later. Our focus in thought since she passed has always been her positive contribution to who we are today, and how her legacy lives on in the people we have become because of her influence and example.

Our Mother died of pancreas cancer, and she managed to beat the odds by staying with us nearly 3 years after her diagnosis...which is very rare for this type of cancer. The hardest part of my Mother's death was knowing it was going to happen for so long. It caused me to go within and deal with many issues regarding life, death and after "death".

My Mother and I didn't have a positive relationship while she was alive. She didn't like herself very much at all and she saw a lot of herself in she didn't like me a whole heck of a lot. It was a very painful thing for me over the years, and no matter how hard I tried to bridge the gap between us, she wouldn't budge.

My Mother has been my greatest teacher because of this pain, and she unwittingly gave me a priceless gift...the gift of contrast and hope for the future!

In the year since Mom passed, she has never been far from my thoughts. My greatest sadness when she died was that we never did have that "close" bond and it seemed that with her "death" that the hope of bridging the gap was gone with her.

That has not been my experience however, in fact, I feel closer to my Mom since her death than I ever did while she was alive. She is here with me always, loving me now as she couldn't when her body was on this earth.

She sends me signs that she is with me...the biggest has been flocks of white birds. I realized it was Mom showing me she was with me, when one day I was on the road driving my youngest daughter to her surgeon. A huge flock of birds swooped by my one of her favorite artists was playing on the radio. The song was "At Last" by Etta sister, brother and I played it at her funeral.

She usually sends birds and her favorite songs when I am distressed and worried...and I was very worried about my young daughter, as she needed a very intricate surgery this past December.

I tell you all of this because, I feel if you are able to move out of the deep grief...into a place that is open, a place that is positive and walls are down...your Dazzy is more than likely sending you messages too! Grief is so filled with pain, and is a block, a wall to those on the "other side of the veil" that are bouncing around trying to get our attention.

Try it, and see what he has to say! I'm thinking he wants you to continue to grow and flourish and spread that love that he instilled in you to as many as you can while you are here. After all...our purpose on this earth is to grow, love and give, so others know how wonderful life truly is.

This is what my life is about now that Mom is gone...honoring her daily by being all the positive things she was while she was here, and being all the growth she instilled in me and passing these priceless things on to my children and grandson. And the great thing is...I feel her walking with me on this path with pride!

I'm sending sooo much love and positive thoughts your way. I pray you hear from Dazzy soon, and revel in the fact that nothing ends love...not even "death", he is with you, I know it :)

If you would like to write to me, my email is I would love to hear from you :)

Take care, and lots of Love


Anonymous said...



Zoe (or T)