Valentines Day is here.
How can it be that I am sitting here at your computer, typing away on my blog, and you are not here with me? How is it that we are not out to dinner,enjoying each others company, laughing and kissing and planning our weekend, our spring vacation, our life?
I took today off from work, made sure I visited the shrink yesterday, not knowing how I would be-and I am strangely, inexplicably, calm. Not sure how or why-especially after the basket case I was last week! But's it's fine. I'll take it. Even though my heart realy looks like this on the inside:
Of course a day like today makes me remenisce about all the V-days that have come before.
The kids always made me smile with their homemade ones when they were little; but I spent many a year wondering why I didn't have that kind of all-encompassing love that I knew was out there.
Then came you.
We didn't need a "special" day to be nice to one another, or send a card or buy flowers or offer a foot massage or a backrub; those were all givens on any day in our life together. V-day was just a time for us to get dressed to the nines, go out to eat, and eat drink and be merry!
We would have a great meal and exchange pressies and toast to one another with a great bottle of Champers. Cards and candy were staples :) We were both just romance whores, LOL
Last year, your Mum was here to visit. We went to MiMi's to eat, and had a very nice time.
It was fun for you to take us both out at the same time-you felt like you were really taking care of us both, and I know that made you happy.
Another year , you pulled off the "great big ring" surprise-we promised not to buy pressies, because we were saving for a house. You didn't tell me about your bonus from work...until it was presented to me in two carat round ring form; a lil black box at Tucker's Restaurant, before dessert, at the table in front of the fireplace...we had been married for a few years already, but people thought you were proposing-it was a magical moment, and I fell in love with you all over again when I saw how happy it made YOU to do this for me.
I still wear my beautiful ring. Now I wear yours next to mine. I tried taking them off once or twice, but it just felt so wrong. Today, especially, I looked at that diamond ring and I saw your love for me in a million faceted bursts of light as the sun shone through the car window on my way home from the dentist. As it sparkled, I thought about the look on your face when you saw the assolute shock on mine as you slid the box across the table to me. Every time I look at it, I think of how special you made that night. You're simply the best, babe.
I still half expect you to be in the lounge room when I open the door to the house you bought us, and as I look at the photos you took of usthat dot the walls, I sigh.
Later on, I will lie in our bed and fall asleep under the sky mural you painted on our tray ceiling when we first moved in on my bithday in 05.
I am reminded of your love for me, for us, everywhere I am in our home-and while it can be sad sometimes, it really does comfort me.
How do I keep going without you by my side?
It must be by magic, because this is too hard for mere mortals.
Way too hard.
On the Valentines Day-the first one we have spent on opposite sides of life's curtain-I want you to know, really know, how much I truly love you. Still.
Love You Dazzy. Always.
Kisses, on Valentines Day and every day-