Thursday, March 20, 2008


Dear Dazzy,

Oh, honey. Eleven months have now passed since you left. I know that every month I write that new number-2,3,4,5,6,, etc-it seems mores and more surreal that you and I are not making plans together, for today and all of our tomorrows. There is a part of my being that will always be sad about that.


The amazing thing is that I keep getting up every day, pushing through my grief, holding on to the memories that we made and looking for ways to make my life have some kind of meaning once again.

It is harder than I thought, but I am doing it. The kids certainly help; so does talking with others who love you and miss you so. Blogging makes me reexamine life itself and accept the reality and the finality of your death. Oh yeah and the dogs remind me that its not all about me everyday, LOL

One thing that makes it almost bearable some days is the thought that your soul hovers near mine at times. I stop and think and smile now every time I find a dime in a weird place. Every time I walk in the park, and a BIG temperature change can be felt-like walking into a cold cloud-I have a sneaky suspicion that it's you, keeping tradition alive on our nightly walk with me and the dogs.

That cold breeze happened once when the kids were with me-and we all were waiting for the twilight zone music to start, I swear! We all felt it, we all remarked that it must be "our Dazzy," and we all felt the bittersweet aftertaste of wanting.

I have had countless times when the TV or the lights just go on and off unattended; when the phones just quit-especially when I am talking with Andrew, LOL, or other issues at your computer.

From Wiki: "In short, the law of conservation of energy states that energy can not be created or destroyed, it can only be changed from one form to another. From a mathematical point of view, the energy conservation law is a consequence of the shift symmetry of time; philosophically this can be stated as, "Nothing depends on time per se."

So to me, your energy is still around someplace-and it would be a huge hunk-o-spunky energy, because you had that to spare, my sometimes crazy but always loving hubby.

You had dreams and ideas that others had a hard time grasping at first, but once they caught on, they saw you for what you were-brilliant in the design, sales, and conceptual ideas areas.

Ausfit, Dazworks, et al , were all your ideas. Great ones with very marketable doings. I am glad you got to see some success with them.

I am only sorry that we don't get to see what other clever and entertaining things you would have discovered had you been given the gift of more time with those who love you here on Earth.

Time. All the cliches about it are true-

"Time is too slow for those who wait,
Too swift for those who fear,
Too long for those who grieve,
Too short for those who rejoice,
But for those who love, time is eternity." Henry Van Dyke

I know it's already been eleven months, but it feels like an eternity since you wrapped your arms around me and said "I love you, princess..."

But sometimes I think that's what those cool breezes are on a warm Tx spring day; it's the flickering lights when no one is here but me; finding dimes in the weirdest places just when I am thinking of you; it's the tinkling of our wind chimes on a very still day; it's the cardinal pair that come to the bird feeder every morning, just like when we saw them the first day we ever set foot in this house three years ago...

I know it's you. I know that's all I'll ever have again of you, and that it will have to be enough-even when it's not. Bittersweet is the perfect desriptive word that fits how I feel about everything right now.


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