Sunday, March 16, 2008

Spring Break Surprises

Dear Dazzy,

I am officially on Spring Break! Since the calendar has changed in our school district this year, we are having SB three(!) weeks later than usual-and it butts right up to Easter.

Lots to do then, eh?

I mean it's take care of the garden and lawns and put away winter stuff and put up the Easter stuff and oh yeah throw in a couple of kids home from college and two dogs and I have a full week on my hands-and I love every second of it.

It means the house is full of sounds like laughter and barking and more than just the ring tone of my/your/our phone; meals with no leftovers and much ice cream consumed; the ebb and flow of the chi of life-to me, almost the way the house should be.

Only thing missing of course is you, sweets. Damn, we all miss you. Goes without saying, eh?

Today we all pitched in and cleaned the garage. It wasn't really bad-I mean you and I kept up with it pretty well in our two short years here-but it needed to be swept, things had to be moved to my height/reach, etc.

Your trainers are still where you left them-out there by the garage door. I put them in the garden holder thingy we have on the wall, and that's where they will stay-indefinitely.

I don't feel the need to get rid of your stuff anymore. In the beginning, I thought that would be "helpful," but all I could manage was your sock and underwear drawers and a few pair of shoes.

I couldn't part with any more-and now I know I don't have to.

Those timetables that "people" say you should adhere to have no clue.

Here I am, hovering at that 11 month mark, staring down the barrel at one full year, and I am no closer to getting rid of your clothes/files/etc than I was over 300 days ago!

I embrace that caretaker role now. I will keep your stuff put up neatly and stored in YOUR closet. It doesn't hurt anyone, even though I don't give a flip what anyone else thinks.

This has given me a measure of peace that I never thought I would ever find on this widow's walk. I am grateful to the universe for that feeling today.

As we cleaned today, we of course thought of you out in your domain-

the garage as man cave, LOL

Our old stereo sits on the shelving above the workbench- OMG it's sooooooooooooo ugly; you bought the stereo without me and we had a huge fight about it b/c it was FUGLY with a capital F, and you spent a bunch of cash without running it by me/us. I look at it now and think what I wouldn't give to have you back and giving me a hard time about loosening up yada, yada, yada and chilling out about your purchase. I always want you back with all my being, you know that-but honey, that stereo is STILL ugly and overpriced, LOL

I can see you out in our garage in your rattiest clothing, your Yankee cap on, bopping to AC/DC and singing along to the lyrics you knew by heart. You would be sorting out screws and nails or asking me to go get you a pencil ( you never had one handy out there didja? :P) and if we were doing a project, we would be laughing somewhere along the line over who farted-you or the dog, LOL, LOL, LOL

You are still everywhere, my love. In every room, every space we shared, in every chamber of my heart, you are still here. I have made some changes here and rearranged some things but it doesn't matter, you are still always with me.

And that's fine.

I know you had to be with us today out in the garage, Dazzy, because we found FOUR dimes.

Oh and two quarters, to boot!

The dime thing really throws me. There is so much on the Internet about people finding dimes after they talk about or feel their dearly departed around them -and I know you would have been hovering around us all in the garage today, honey.

One dime was in your shoes. One was by the door, another under the mitre saw. It was amazing to encounter them all in one day, in one space. I know there will be people who say, "So? They're dimes. They fall out of pockets all the time..."

But I like to think they all small signs from you to us on a job well done today. Besides, I don't put my change in anything but my wallet, and last I checked, Boomie and Rangie were unemployed. :)

So after the dimes were collected and the boxes, paint cans and whatnot sorted out, I washed and detailed my car. The Silver Sheila still looks beautiful when she's all shiny clean, and glossed on the wheels-even at 155, 000 miles. I love telling people about how you came home with her for my B-day, and how even though she was used, she was and still is my fave car of all time.

How can you not love a silver convertible with a great cd player?

Finally, we had pizza for dinner and watched the "Scot Baio" reality series-tonight he and his GF got married. It was hard to watch; her gown laced in the back like mine did, she has a teenager that was in the wedding party just like we had (but times 2), and they were all teary eyed and obviously in love, and then it got to " sickness and in health, until you are parted by death..."

I don't think anyone ever thinks about those words when they are planning a wedding.

I know we never did!

Sadly that is our reality now-out relationship is one of being parted at this point.
I hope against hope that I will see your handsome, smiling mug on that day when my last breath is taken on this earth and I cross over to wherever you are, honey. I can wait for a good long time though-I have things to do here, that's for sure.

But when my day comes, I will run into your arms and know that I am home-really home-once and for all, with you.
In the meantime, did I mention that I was on Spring Break? WooHoo!

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