Wednesday, March 12, 2008


Daz and Ranger doing what they did best-snoozin!

Dear Dazzy,
Friday at 3:31 will start our Spring Break- WooHoo!

A week off.

I am sorry it is without you, but I have a list of things to do and some people who want to get together and I am so looking forward to sleeping in a bit- if I bribe Boomer with treats it may work :)

My mind cannot help but think of this time last year-March , with its much too warm weather last year, and your major health checkup. You know, the one that they told you EVERYTHING was fine, and you were in great shape, and had no worries, etc?


F*&^$(# Bastards!

They couldn't have been more wrong. I still have the email you sent to your Mum about how all your tests were negative for the bad crap, and how impressed the Dr's were with your stress test and all that crap.

We will never know how you carried on your life-our life-in the shape you were really in. I have no idea how you walked with me every night after dinner, how we carried on like newlyweds even after five years of marriage; how we did all the stuff we liked to do each and every day.

You never said I feel tired/weird/sick/hurt.


Last year at Spring Break, we were making plans to go to Oz for our 5th anniversary. We were going to have dinner at the place me married it-Park Orchards Chalet-and see our friends and have a splendid time. Another night at the Windsor was called for, and we were so looking forward to being in Oz.

Well we all know the really sad ending to this fairy tale now don't we-and it will never, ever be right by me.

Lats year you took two days off and we started redoing the kitchen. We went to the movies and out for dinner at Genroku and Mimi's. We looked forward to the promise of a summer full of fun and good time and family. I cannot even put into words how heavy my heart feels when I think of you and me together and what might have been.

I did not sleep for two night this week. By last night I was so tired I did sleep-and man, did I dream.

While you were not there, per se, it was ALL about you, honey.

I was walking along on a large highway when all of a sudden there was an earthquake, and whole chunks of the pavement were simultaneously swallowed up and twisted apart, like a bridge when it starts to buckle and split apart. It was ferocious in its intensity and unyielding in its grip.The noise was horrific and the sky was green and tornadic.

Can we say emotional landscape?

I was trying to get to where I knew you would be-and I couldn't. There was a baby-OUR baby-and he/she was limp, lying in the middle of the road. I know it sounds gruesome but it wasn't like that in the dream. Anyway, I was overwhelmed and picked the baby up, looking down the road, looking for you-and the baby woke up. I instantly had the thought that everything would be all right.

You don't have to do dream analysis for a living to know that the baby is our love; that the road is my life, that my search for you will be never ending, yet somehow it will all be OK.

I felt like it was a visitation dream, for it was just like the other two I have had since you left us-so very vivid, very real, but not scary or demanding or any of those other things that dreams and nightmares can be-it was actually very comforting, in a weird way.

You let me know that it will all be OK. I am grateful for that in more ways than anyone will ever know except, of course, you, sweets.

You already know.

Yes, spring break will be here soon, and with it the 11 month anniversay of your leaving this Earth.

Nearly a full year!

I have no idea how I have made it this far, how I have lived without you, how I have slept in our bed with only the dogs next to me, without my human electric blanket-no idea at all.

I do have more of a peace about me now, less angst; more questions, yet still no patience about any of it. I miss you all the time yet I am reconciling that with the fact that you and I have a while to be together again-if it is true what they say about the after life.

Life really is just one goddamn paradox after another, isn't it babe?

Love you Dazzy. Always.
Kisses, Wifey.

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