Another Birthday Without You?

Dear Dazzy,

How can it be that this makes two times now that the Sun has gone around the Earth and I get to add a candle on my chocolate cake and there are balloons and pressies and cards, and YOU are not in the thick of all this? I mean life keeps going and I feel I am still on the outside of the picture window looking in...

Sad day today-just sad. People at work remembered, Kath still thinks my B-day is ON Memorial Day-gotta love her, she's just like you with important dates-and while it was an OK day, it's so hollow without you to share it with. I wonder when that feeling will ever go away. I wonder IF that feeling will ever go away.

Have a cold as well-pretty good considering that I haven't been sick in a year and a half! Glad I got it NOW and not right before I go to Oz.

I used to make my yearly goals list on my birthday every year-a list, a vision board, my future shaped by my thought and words and intention-or so I thought.
Now that I know we control nothing, how am I going to make that new list?

What's the point?

What really matters?

I know if you were here I would have had flowers sent to me at work, you would have cooked or brought home food, and you would have left a card and a pressie on the dining room table for me to find early this morning.

The card would have been funny and cartoony, you would have signed it ,"With Heaps of Love, Daryl, AKA Hubby" and you would have had my tea ready to go, in my red mug...

Instead I made my own tea. Kids made me dinner, bought me tix to a play, did cake and balloons( green and gold-good on'em eh babe?)I didn;t feel well enough to do anything except watch TV and blog.

Now I am off to bed; hating that you are not here.

Just hating it, babe.
No good reason for your leaving, no plan or other bullshit that works for me.
Nothing works.
Nothing.

My tears tonight are for the time that we did have together, on birthdays and anniversaries and every other day that ends with a "y," now that I know how love really goes-how am I ever going to celebrate anything again and mean it?

Such a long time without you now, honey.
Such a sad and lonely time.
I am sick of holidays, birthdays, all my days without you.

Love you Dazzy. Always.
Kisses, Wifey.