Leaving for Oz!

Dear Dazzy,
Well, tomorrow is the day-I am off to Oz!
Box Hill North.
Our Australian home...

Friends and family and lammingtons and Footy and 'roos and a good dose of sad wait for me at Tullamarine Airport and beyond.

I am awash with emotion tonight; not all hard or sad- maybe because I talked to Ash before, and her spirit lifts me up whenever we yak, LOL, or because Mikey is here-home safe and sound from his NYC jaunt-and he and Boomer and Ranger always make me laugh...kind of like you used to, honey.

I am keen to see your/our friends and family. You most of all know how much I love being in the land down under. This time I am taking my resume and etc. and entertaining the thought of living there for two years or so-enough to become a citizen, so if I choose to retire there I could.

I will not dwell tonight on all the possibilites that we had for our life together that evaporated when you died; suffice it to say that I have had to regroup and rethink and reimagine scenarios that I only thought happened to older people.

Much older people. Not me. Not you! Not us...

Anyway, I am excited to see more people who loved you, who knew your essence, who loved the larrikin that I came to know in our short seven and a half years.

They had you longer-and yes I am a bit jealous at times about that-but I loved you with a richness of color that even they would say was grand.
We made each other happy, and loved lived in our hearts-simple as that.

So I have a LONG slog of a day at airports with lines and whatnot; some people from MUO will be babysitting me in L.A. ( thanks you thank you WizBin and Kate)and with luck I will sleep a bit.

I have made this trip twice before. It is long,but not unbearable.

The first time was in June 2001, after you had already come to visit me, and we knew we had to be together forever.
I was introduced to the land downunder by a larrikin that was so proud to be an Aussie! You loved your country, your friends, your home, your Footy team , LOL, and by then you even loved me.

I fell in love with everything, too-the way the kookaburras wake you up in the morning with their LOUD calls, the spectacular Pacific as it embraces parts of the island nation, coffee in REAL china cups at great lil coffe shops; lammington cakes and Tim Tam cookies, Footy and the Tiges and Rove live-it was instantly familiar to me even though I had never been that far via a plane-or anything else-before.

We got engaged that year-standing in the hallway at 12 Second Avenue, between your room and the bath. We kissed when I asked YOU-it was a private lil joke, carried over from out "hubby" and "wifey" goofing around, but we both knew it wouldn't matter who did the asking or who did the answering. It was a win-win situation.

We went right away and picked up the phone in your office and started calling people, all of them saying something to the effect of "yeah we figured" or "no kidding" etc. Everyone knew we belonged together.

Even our dogs! They each liked both of us, LOL

My second trip out to Australia was for our wedding, in June 2002.
Kath and the kids came this time, and we had that Sydney Harbor Brady Bunch honeymoon. It was fun and romantic and magical in every way possible.

They say the third time's the charm, but I don't know.
Yes, it is June, and I am off on the very same date I left on when we married.

Not sure if that is coincidence or necessity-school has to be out for me to travel, so...

There is no charm involved this time though; no reward at the end of my long journey-no handsome Aussie in a NY Yankees cap with a rakish grin and dimples that chiseled a face which I had come to equate all at once with the words rugged , handsome, and graceful.

You will not be there in a physical way, but I am sure I will feel your presence around me during my visit. How could I not? Our connection is something amazing-even a year and two months after your passing.

To say I still miss you is such a redundant thing, but it is still true.
I miss you. I love you. I still wish you were here, every second of every day.

The difference between last year and today? I just hide it better now.

But tomorrow I will go to a place that you loved as much as you loved out home here in TX. When I get the the house in Box Hill, I will stand in the hallway once again, this time with my wedding band- and yours- on my finger, and I will remember the laughter and the joy and the ear-to-ear grins. I will look at the table where we ate, the kitchen counter where you would set up your tea making acoutroments, and I will cry my heart out that I cannot cook lamb or pav or even just porridge for you any more. I will go into our bedroom and look up at the zillions of glow in the dark stars that cover your adolescent ceiling. :) and I will smile while I sob.

(And yes, I brought more with me to add to the collection, lol)

The stars-we always wanted to live in the same place, so we could see the same stars at night.

Hopeless romantics we were, eh babe?

Then it will be done-and hopefully I can move forward, going through your things, settling house issues with your brother, laughing with friends over stories and whatnot about you.

I will be doing in Oz what I do here now in Tx-go on without you.

You. My larger than life larrikin, my amazing friend, my wonderful hubby.

Part of me cannot wait to be in that space that you called home while we lived apart.

I know I will find more of me there, just like every other time I have visited. I have to thank you for that-for opening my life to greater things than I ever thought possible, all because you loved me.

Love you Dazzy. Always.
Kisses, Wifey.