Saturday, June 14, 2008

Stranger in a Strange Land

span>Kangaroos in the park - Box Hill

Dear Dazzy,

Stranger in a Strange Land
is a sci-fi book by Robert Heinlien that explores the way society and its different cultures act and react to any number of familial, socioeconomic and political viewpoints.

I first read it while I was in high school, and it was my favorite book for a while. To "grok" something is to understand it at a level that goes beyond the obvious; to say that I grok anything these days is a stretch.

Being in Oz is still a magical thing for me. It is familiar in some ways, yet amazing when I catch a glimpse of somjething out of my ordinary realm-kangaroos in a local park, lorikeets in the gum trees, Jacaranda trees in bloom-and it jolts me into that "Oh yeah, it's Australian" kind of thinking. I am happy here in a way that makes me feel like no other place does-so far.


I do feel very much the stranger when I keep looking the wrong way for oncoming traffic, LOL, and I don't know if I will ever be comfortable enough to drive here. Good thing there is mass transit, but if I were to plop myself over here for a bit, I would have to learn how to drive again :P

Yesterday was another part of the sorting out journey- I went through the box from the garage. In it were wedding cards, our guest book, old stuffed animals, and some clothing of yours-just all heaped into the box willy nilly, your Tigers jumpers all wadded up and stuffed into plastic bags like dung for a trash heap. The person who stuffed all these things into the box and chucked it into the garage has obviously no reverence for anything of yours.

It's even more painfully obvious that that ideal will never change in my lifetime.
I'm sorry honey. Truly sorry. The house is the biggest mess I have ever seen.
Nothing matches, everything is the wrong size and it's all tacky and cheap and well, I almost glad you cannot see it. Not one drawer or closet or cupboard or area is organized.

Electronics rules the roost here now, and while they may be top of the line, when you cannot put anything down on a bench in the kitchen or the bathroom because of the clutter, well, things are just not right.

Of course, in the ultimate irony of the universe, I have to live here for two more weeks. Me, the neat freak, the organization and feng shui queen of the universe, LOL

You would be so disappointed in the way the house is neglegted.
Soemtimes I believe you already know, and thats why I feel you with me so much in TX.
There are a few nice flowering plants in a garden of sorts out there, but gardening needs to be taken in stride when there are dust mites playing poker on the window sills. Ick.

Going through the wedding cards was awful. I relived everything from June 23, 2002- our wonderful nighttime wedding wherein we promised each other forever. Every card was so full of good wishes I am amazed that it didn't carry us happily through the rest of our lives on karma alone. I also have our knife set and our wedding cake candles and all the silly little things that go with weddng nonsense that at the time was oh so important.

We knew the most important thing was US. We knew it and acted accordingly. I was me before I knew you and vica versa, but I have been forever changed by your love-so I am looking for me once again. That stranger in the stange land.

Anyway, I took a few photos while out the other day, and I have this great one of a bunch of Roos-and an Orb! Some people believe that Orbs are the captured bits of our deceased loves, especially near us when a "big" day or event or whatever is happenning. Is it you in this pix? I like the idea of saying yes, it is.

Maybe I am wrong, but I do not care anymore-it gives me comfort.

I have a photo of the twins, too, the Halloween after my Mom passed, and next to them and a plastic Casper figurine out in front of the house is a huge, flimsy orb. At the time, I didn't believe in any of that stuff, so I dismissed it as poor lighting and bad developing ( wow developing photos-that dates me, eh babe?). Now it's different.

Today I am off to sing Happy Birthday to MR P at luch down in Rosebud.
Yesterday we cought up with Mel and Marino and the kids-all so grown now, jeeze! Evryone was lovely; Mel made toasted sandwiches-YUM-but I was so alone in my skin; it was much too hard without you there, Dazzy.

It was-well, in a word, wrong.

It should never be just "Susan."

It should be "Susan and Dary.l"


It will be 14 months this week since you last kissed me abd wrapped your arms around me and made me tea and took out the trash and went to work and brought me flowers and do people keep going? I want to know how. I want a road map, a check list, a friggin REASON for crying out loud!

The thought od being the outsider looking in, the odd duck without its mate, the widow-your widow-for the rest of my life just makes me sad down to the marrow of my bones.

Once my trip here is over I will have a better idea of where I might fit in the world.
Sometimes I am afraid that I will figure out that I fit in nowhere. Stranger in a strang land? Or just everything too strange to reckon? Hmmm....

I use to know my path, my direction, my strenghts-and here, with my regular touchstones removed, I have to really ask myself a lot of hard questions. In the end, those questions are really meaningless, right babe?

Wish you could let me know what's coming next.

I look forward to the rest of this week-sorting through things and photos and whatnot, even though it will be hard, even though it will break my heart, even though you are not next to me inthe bed in the house with the ceilling of the glow-in-the-dark stars...

Love you Dazzy. Always.
Kisses, Wifey.

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