Friday, June 13, 2008

The Beauty of Oz

Oz Sunrise from Qantas Q94

Dear Dazzy,

As the plane I was on rocketed through the night sky destined for Melbourne, I would open the window shade every hour to see if I could detect the changes to the east that meant the sunrise would be taking place soon, and that time marker meant that I would be close to landing.

Soon enough, the first glimpse of light sluiced its way between the almost furriness of black that inked the sky at our altitude and the curvature of Earth's horizon. I have seen this three times now, and every time it reminds me that I know why astronauts are in awe as they circle the globe; one cannot see this cosmic happening and just nonchalantly say, "Oh, look, the sun is coming up..."

It is mesmorizingly sharp in its colorations and fluidity. Its like a Rothko painting done in warp speed; colors bleeding into one another to encompass all the named hues of the visible spectrum. It is spectacular in its simplicity and calls to the artist within me with a spirituality that has nothing to do with religion.


Once the day punctured the night, the coastline was visible-and I had the immidiate thought of ,
"I am nearly home!" It was home when you were here with me, honey. I guess home was really whever you and I and the kids chose to be. Not sure how it will really feel now...

Of course, not to much longer after that, I was in Tullamarine airport and was driving off to Box Hill with Andrew. He hasn't been in the house since your brother changed the locks, right after he left our house in TX after your memorial service. I still scratch my head about that.
Andrew had a key for 25 years to the place-and now...well isn't everything different in our lives, babe, eh?

He still did not come in. He let me go in and be by myself for a few hours; unpacking and wandering around through the place that we hoped to retire to. Sad? overwhelmingly so.

This was the house that you painted up and cleaned and gardened in before my first visit in 2001. It's where we got engaged that year, where we called everyone we knew to tell them of our good news, to invite them to Oz the following year for our wedding.
How happy we were as we went out that night; you introducing me as your fiance. Our smiles were permanent, or so we thought.
Memories of that weekend will be in the front of my mind no matter what age I leave this planet to be with you again.

Giddiness and happiness and love are what I recalled as soon as I came in the back gate.
We never had a cross word in this house; we learned everything we could about one another as we IM'd via the computer across the miles and miles of ocean and earth.

It was really a very old fashioned courtship in a way; by the time you came to the US to visit it was just the cherry on the sundae. We already knew all the we needed to know.

So I sat on our bed-which is in the back room now-and had a good cry. Then I wandered through the small, wood frame home, standing in various doorways, running my hand over the positive affirmations that still adorn your full length mirror in what was your/our room....listening and looking and hoping against hope that this would be all a stupid TV show ending, a dream in which I would wake up in your arms, in the bed under the glow in the dark stars painted on the ceiling and all would be right within my universe once again.

That thought lasted for a fleeting moment; I know-it's been 14 months now-I know how "gone" you are. In TX, my life has a different pace, and I can busy myself with any manner of things-but here, in Box Hill, I have no set agenda, no work schedule, no dog schedule, no weekends with my college children , no picking up the phone at any time to call Kath or Mary or Cyn or whomever . I have to plan phone call times so I don't wake people up at 3 AM ( did that once in '01, sorry Nan).

I am glad I didn't attempt this trip last year.
At first, I wanted to run to Oz-I am sure my shock-filled brain thought at the time that I would find you there, honey. I just couldn't do anything last summer, let alone travel.

Hell, I was lucky to get out of bed and walk the dogs (many thanks to A and M).

So am I stronger? NO. HATE that word.
Maybe I am more acclimatized to your absence, but that's all.

So, on day one, I stayed up until midnight , going to the opening of Boeing Boeing that Andrew had a hand in, saw celebs at the after party-Rove McManus(Rove Live!) and Chris Liley
( Summer Heights High!)-got my sim card for my phone and an ID on Steve's computer.

It's familiar and otherworldly to me all at once.

I can feel you with me, here, though babe-hard to explain in words, but your heart knows what mine is trying to say. And yes, I will do my utmost to make sure what you worked so hard for isn't grubbed up by others with such a blatant disregard for living conditions. Ick.
Sorry its such a mess honey-I'll fix it. Promise.

Love you Dazzy. Always.
Kisses, Wifey.

No comments: